To move to California or to move into a downtown apartment with Hana. That is the question of the next 3 months. Our lease is up July 31st, and I was set on option #2, but something triggered the California dream once more today.
I was walking on the track at my gym, just leisurely. At first, I was looking up pictures of my new crush Park Seo Joon. I went as far as to put his images on my iPhone wallpaper. Then I thought about what others would think if they saw it (ie. Dave) and I thought if the roles were reversed, I would be turned off.
The desire to see Park’s face everyday triggered the realization that, I don’t want who I can’t ever be with to be plastered on my phone, reminding me of what I can’t have. Also, the realization that I’m thinking of what ie. Dave would think triggered another question in regards to my life. I was valuing myself based on others, rather than just living my own life.
Who am I and who do I want to be? And not so much of, who do others want me to be and who do I want to be with (purely on attraction).
I started looking up other backgrounds, and thought of the ocean… and then I thought of surfing & California….
A year ago, my ex and I were a few months away from packing up our lives and moving to California. I called it quits, instead, to both the relationship and the move. In my mind, I merely postpone the move. In my gut, I know that I won’t be fulfilled if I live my entire life in Missouri. If I move downtown, I feel I will want something else afterwards.
This gut feeling, that I’m trying to also figure out if it’s just impulse, is what’s making California a serious contender in my life change.
What holds me back are:
- close friends (ENFP personality here)
- family (mom, dad, Cong, Lily)
- jiu jitsu (community at Gracie Humaita)
- independence & change (living with Hana only)
What pushes me forward:
- California aroma (beautiful weather)
- beaches (chester & cheeto can finally see the beach)
- more opportunities & connections (music & activities)
- family (mo, mike, and Nathan)
- mo’s restaurant (a place to go to when bored)
- rent savings (can save up for own place)
I’m going to let it simmer for a few days. This decision is really based on what I am imagining my future to be. It’s a hard decision, because it’s merely predictions of both outcomes. There is no such thing as a right or wrong decision, there are only decisions. Neither are decisions final.
One thing I thought of when I was walking was the fact that, even though the things that are great are great here, it doesn’t mean I can’t… be apart from it for now. We don’t always close the doors to bad things. Sometimes, we have to make the decision to close the doors to good things, in the pursuit of something else that might push us even farther and closer to where we want to be, who we want to be. Although, I’m not really closing the door on the great things here, I am just putting it on hold while I go exploring.
I’m not sure what that thing I am getting closer to is, but my gut is telling me to go explore it. Maybe it’s not my intuition telling me that California is the holy grail, but more so, it’s telling me to try something so that I can move on to something else if I don’t like living there.
Similar to confessing to my ex that I loved him just to end the chase we partook in for years. He rejected me, but that allowed me to move on to the next thing. It’s like dominos, a piece can’t fall without being pushed by the piece before it. Perhaps this big move isn’t about California. The move is just packed with lessons that will push my next piece. It might lead me back to Kansas City, it might lead me elsewhere. But, I will be a more experienced person for it. Others may see it as failure, or “I told you so”. But, I will understand what I gained from it, and I would learn even more about my likes and dislikes, rather than just guessing and dreaming.
This post sounds like I made up my mind… but I’ll let it simmer.