Some days I love myself. I am confident, I feel beautiful inside and out, I feel like a good person overall. Some days, like today, I feel really down about myself. Like dominoes, one occurrence perceived as negative leads to another, until I am bashing my character and my intent at the end of the day. I know that I am not alone in this paradox.
One thing that I love about myself is my endless pursuit of shedding layers of characteristics and beliefs that hold me back.
Nothing terrible happened today. In fact, if you were to look at what I did you would think my day was great. The reason I don’t think so, is provided by the beliefs I have about myself based on my perceptions and judgement of how I acted, and what I thought.
I’ve been practicing meditation and mindfulness to discourage this act of judging myself and believing too much my negative perceptions. This practice and long with nutritional eating really helped clear my mind up.
What is tripping me up recently may be the decrease in my meditation and the increase of processed foods due to my free eating method (a part of my binge eating recovery journey).
I feel free because I am eating freely, but this eating freely cycles back to making me feel not so great mentally and physically. In a way, if this theory is correct, it may help me make better choices food wise based on how it makes me feel rather than based on the fear of weight gain.
Here are things I feel good about:
- Website development success
- No longer think any foods are bad
- Noticing affects of different types of food on my mood
- Noticing difference of decrease meditation
- Feel productive and valuable at work
- I didn’t binge from the stress today
Here are things I don’t feel good about:
- Website success adding to my ego, my humility isn’t where I want it to be
- Complained about manager to friend (gossip or letting off steam)
- Messy at home, roommates might be annoyed
- Felt ugly today, had video calls all day while looking very rough
- Countered my manager on a call with a bigger boss (not intensely but I feel anxiety from it)
See? These aren’t things that grant a bad day at all. It’s just my brain working over time. Which makes sense. Sometimes when I meditate, the most random thoughts come up. So now that there are actual occurrences in my day, my brain has something more fruitful to fixate on. No good, brain. But do as you please because what you resist persists. The game changer, though, is not believing in them.
So the judgements of myself that is pulling me down? I don’t have to believe them. No matter how convincing they might be. There are certain things I can do, though, to make me feel better.
Good mood enhancers:
- Get back on two meditation periods a day
- Get back on picking more nutritional food, while knowing that no food is bad
- Wake early enough to freshen up for work
- Openly talk with creative team about wanting to teach and encourage share of projects instead of hoarding
- Look into resources about enhancing humility
I must continue to be patient with myself. The reason I didn’t eat more than the donut when I felt stressed today, was because I no longer seek instant gratification. The more instant it is, the less satisfying it will be in the long run. Mindfulness is a muscle that needs time to exercise. Also, I am understanding the concept of being ok with not feeling ok. There may be no fix for it right now, but you can do your best to at least not feel worse.
I look forward to seeing if the actions above will help me arrive at a new playing field for my next personal growth pursuits.