I binged again last night.
I’m releasing control today and beyond.
Control: the actions that one takes as a means to a desired end.
I sincerely believe that everything that happens has values. That’s a statement that mimicks ‘everything happens for a reason’, but doesn’t rely on fate or destiney.
In telling Erin about my BED, she reminded me of control being a factor in the disorder. Which leads to this mornings ponderings. Everything has a value – even BED.
So… control. What are things I try to control in my life currently?
- My appearance
- External judgements of me
- Food choices and intake (cravings)
- Perfection (not knowing when to let go)
If there was one thing jiu jitsu taught me, it’s that you don’t win by willing control. You win by being present, going with what’s given, and reacting properly. Also, in parenting, you don’t succeed by trying to control your children. Control never works – it won’t work to cure binge eating, it won’t work to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
That’s what free eating did. I didn’t control cravings, but I was present and recognized my fullness. I reached by stopping. Binge eating is opposite. I controlled cravings, loss control of managing others judgements, and losing control of body shape.
What I’m going to work on:
- Spread of the ‘non control’ I have at night to the rest of the day in a good balance
- Put my goals first, and let go of self judgements and mind reading judgements
- Continue to be natural. I’m my best without makeup or ‘sexy’ clothes
- Meditation & Mindfulness
It’ll be a challenge to let go of the importance of others judgements. I relied on that so much in the past because I wasn’t confident enough in myself to judge myself. I’m growing to be confident though. Perhaps that’ll help me release that need for controlling others judgements.
Be prepared for:
- Push and pull of the pursuit of releasing judgement
- Rushes of fear of weight gain from free eating
- A much happier life : )