Binge Eating And Me

The binge eating self lives a life of shame. She sneaks around in the night picking up morsels of meats and carbs she thinks no one will notice or miss. Her hands are sticky and smelly with foods she devoured within seconds – hot or cold – it didn’t matter. The binge eating self, like the energizer bunny, kept going and going until she could go no more. She lays in bed lazily, looking at articles in hopes it’ll provide answers to this complex question of — how do I stop? The binge eating self isn’t happy, she wants to die from time to time. Don’t fear, though, it’s more of a dramatic thought than a truthfully wanted action. The binge eating self is single and will always be single. “Who will want to be with me?” She often asks herself. She wouldn’t want to be with anyone who does what she does.

Me — I am vibrant. I am active and I am smart. I am capable of things I sometimes think I am not capable of. I eat well, I eat whole foods, I actually care about my body. I succeed in work, I am confident and outspoken. I trust my instincts and my creativity. I run, I participate in Jiu Jitsu. I have healthy relationships with my family and friends. I am dating. I am content all around.

For some reason, the binge eating self likes to steal the show even though she is often voiceless. She likes to steal the show even though she is messy and dirty. Perhaps I like her because she is basic, she just doesn’t care about having to put effort into things. Less expectations that way I suppose. I am ready to see her leave, though.

Binge eating.

You’ve been with me since I can remember, often, you were my only true friend capable of making me feel better. Today I am 27 and I no longer need you. I hate to kick you out, but…I’m kicking you out. With you, I cannot survive. I cannot survive as long as you are in my life, you are sucking the life out of my vibrant soul. I thank you for your service, but today, I am doing what I need to to welcome you out of my doors. There’s so much I want to be and I can’t be that person as long as you are standing in my doorway, seducing me to take a left instead of a right. I no longer will listen to you. If I keep listening to you then I believe in you when you tell me I am not strong enough without you. You say I’m not strong enough to face adversary or conflict. You say I can’t live without the happiness that you bring me. My god you are wrong. I can live much louder and happier without your voice in my head. At first, it will be so hard. It will be like breaking up with Billy all over again — in fact — it will be much harder than that. At first. But through time, I will forget I ever knew you and I will forget the joy that you use to bring to me.

I will sit on the patio of my fresh apartment with my two dogs hanging around. I will sip on hot coffee and some oatmeal. Then I will walk over to City Market to check out the place. That is the me that will end up on top at the end of this battle. It’s not even a battle…I’m simply walking away. You are the mic and I’m dropping you.

Goodbye the binge eating self.

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My Choice is to STOP

Last night I binge. Oh, I binged so good. I had half a bag of family sized ruffles, chicken, nuggets, fries, coke, food, food, and more food! I ate till I forgot about my stress of the day. And boy was I stressed. I have so much work to do and the music website has been stressful on me too.

I was paralyzed yesterday. Ever feel like you have so much to do but don’t know where to start and people are waiting on you? That was me yesterday. So I ate. That is like another kick to my face while I am down. And I did it to myself.

So, I am deciding to stop. I will not allow myself to gain 40 lbs of useless weight again. I don’t care if I am incredibly hungry for the release of endorphins. I will chose to drive myself 20 minutes to the gym if it means it will keep me from a binge. I will write pieces after pieces if it means keeping me from a binge. I will cry, I will scream, I will do anything and everything (unharmful to others) if it means keeping me from a binge.

I am choosing to stop today. Just as I chose to stop loving my ex, just as I chose to stop taking in my dad’s sadness (still a work in progress), just as my future choices I am determined in, I am choosing to stop this 3 decade old addiction.

Just. Like. That.

I’m going to have a kick ass, productive day today.

Death

I went to bed thinking about this alot. What would happen if I died? Who would mourn? What would be left unsaid? Death is so final, but at the same time, during episodes of intense sadness, it seems so freeing. No longer do I overthink relationships, no longer do I feel self-pity, no longer would I feel inadequate and lonely. I felt so alone going to bed last night, and I kept thinking about this topic until I fell asleep. How nice it would be to not feel the emptiness anymore.

I don’t want to die, though, because I know there are more feelings than this sadness that hits me hard on lonely weekends. I wasn’t even alone – I was with my roommates, but, with my roommates I still feel alone. I don’t feel wanted by two of them. Where is this pathetic concern coming from? Why do I even care?

Let’s break down my weekend and my thoughts:

  • I don’t have a “friend group”, one of which I can be completely my awkward self and still feel accepted. One I can lean on and say, they got me. This, by far, is the deepest scar

Honestly, that’s it. A sense of community and unconditional love is all that I want. This is why I don’t want to die. This single item has tormented me all my life might be easily cured with action and planning on my part. This yearning to belong and be loved, I feel it in spurts during simple conversations with a friend or times when I’m completely in the moment. It’s a single item, but such an incredibly important item.

When I think of an ‘ideal’ life, what do I see?

  • I would have this friend group, or a community
  • I nourish my body with healthy foods but am still able be relax when I want to have fun or treat myself
  • I don’t second guess or criticize who I think I am
  • I have a healthy body image
  • I’m deep into my hobby and showcase it on a public platform – no matter the scale, I’d like to share my love with others

This weekend was a sad weekend, if you saw me, you would think me suicidal. I kept beating myself up for my inability to get this music site to work correctly, and the constant challenges that pop up was discouraging. I kept feeling bad for myself for how lonely I felt. I allow what I think others think to make me feel less. I ended up eating a whopping 6 thousand calories to feed that emptiness.

The silver lining, though, is today is a little brighter. Perhaps because it’s the work week and I’m not consumed by not knowing what to do with my weekend off times. The other silver lining is that I know what my triggers are.

The reality, though, is that knowing isn’t going to stop negative actions from happening. When I’m in the hour of self-pity, I just want to self-destruct. What I can do, then, is to be proactive and preemptive. Instead of waiting for these moments to come, I can use this time of feel good to set up my weekends.

Things that may deter self-pity weekends:

  • Planned soccer night – join All American Soccer
  • Volunteer – what should I volunteer in?
  • Don’t succumb to challenges – feeling inadequate about abilities
  • Invite friends over for games – be proactive and invite others over instead of just wishing for it
  • Throw self in hobbies – music writing, find like-minded people

Anyways.

That’s all I have on the topic of morbid death and my silver linings. Vien – don’t you ever, ever, give up on yourself.

Hurting

Last night was tough, this morning I feel a dense cloud lingering in my head. I binged till I felt like my stomach was near to tearing.

I was and am so lonely. Actually, I feel it.

I feel pathetic writing about it again, I wish instead I was writing about how my life is so fulfilling and how happy I am. I have both arms, both legs, both parents, I have friends, I have money.I have everything that I need, physically.

Is this how it will always be? Life isn’t worth living if this is how it’s always going to be. I’m not suicidal, just fed up with these emotions.

Journaling is said to be the best thing to do after a night of binging – so despite the fact that I don’t want to write about it again, I will.

I am most vulnerable to binging on the weekend, specifically, Friday and Saturday nights. I have this belief that I am suppose to be out and about, at gatherings, laughing and enjoying myself with my friends. Instead, I was at home with Lola doing absolutely nothing productive for my mind. Karen was doing what I wished I was doing, and what I think  I should be doing to live to the fullest. She was hanging with her friends, drinking. I was on my phone, on the coach, googling with the keyword “loneliness” because it makes me feel better, for some reason, rather than being in the moment and watching whatever was on T.V.

My head hurts. I’m starting to think this self-pity and self-focus is also an addiction. I hear my dad’s voice in my head repeating, ‘I am so sad’ like a mantra. It seems, I’ve adopted that mantra as well.

My belief system needs to be remodeled and rebuilt because it’s not healthy and I don’t think it’s accurate either. I need to see a therapist but I am highly skeptical of its effectiveness. And they are so expensive as I’d pay out of pocket.

I’ve seen two before, one I saw about twice the other I saw more frequently. I can’t tell you how many times, but it wasn’t very effective. This time, I think will be better because I will be able to talk about what I’m feeling and thinking more clearly as I’m older.

Me me me, I I I, blah. I wish I can turn off my brain.

I go from self love and self care, to being ok with not doing a damn thing for it. My engine isn’t running smoothly and that’s what I need to focus on. Making my engine, my mind, run better. What does that take? Therapy? Do I have to run every single day? It really could be simply joining something to create a sense of community. But right now, that something seems so daunting, so unachievable. So, ineffective. I have the capacity to be truly happy, I’ve felt it before. But moments like these make those moments seem less real, it makes me feel that person that felt really happy was just naive to the realities of her sad life.

I’ll get up, get dressed, and get lunch with Kristina and her little – who just got into town last night – on her way back to Columbia. I’ll work out tonight and figure out when I can cancel my membership so that I can go to a gym right down the street. I’ll try my best to not think of my own sorrows.

I want to live a more meaningful life. That is the journey that I am on. It’s a lonely journey – to start off with.

Tummy Sour & Twisting my Heart

That’s what I physically feel as my overthinking thoughts control my moments. I have been feeling this a lot recently, well, I guess all my life. I know it’s from anxiety, and I am really afraid of suffering from a psychotic break down when I’m older, when my life lays out exactly the way I don’t want it to.

I’ve been thinking a lot, just way too much. Mostly…honestly…completely all absorbed by relationships. I don’t know why that’s my obsession and will be the death of me. I am obsessed with being a good friend – and I know I am not a good friend. I’m obsessed with others responses and what they might mean. Perhaps a remote job is toxic for that. I can’t run from it, I have to face it. Where would I go if I ran? What do I do if I stayed? What does facing it even mean? I wish it was a contraction I could just grit my teeth till it’s over but, it’s never going to be over.

Is the answer really therapy? I need help figuring it all out I guess, but even then, that’s a relationship with a therapist that I will obsess over as well.

I really hope that I am not alone in the way I feel…

 

Home is Where the Heart is…

Where is your heart if you don’t desire to go home as I?

I learned something this holiday break. My routine was broken when Karen, Kristina, and Jake went home. I felt… really lonely. Now that they’re home, the duplex seems alive again… It’s the strangest thing.

This weekend has been filled with old sad feelings and binging on food. I spent all of Sunday alone and half of today the same. I took myself to Cong’s to spend time with Lily and his family, and to get out of the house. I took the pups with me. Holiday time is harder because it reminds me that I don’t have my ‘own home’ yet. It’s made me realize how much I do want to have a family, but it also made me realize I can’t have one until I learn to love others beyond myself. How I know I’m ready is if these weekends, filled with feelings of loneliness, self pity, and food binging don’t happen again. I can’t love my child until I get pass the effects of the lonely ache.

I am not upset with myself for binging on food. It’s natural for me to fill myself with that in place of the fulfillment from others. It’s a cry for something is missing, and something is missing. But, I don’t know what to do about it. What if it’s ingrained in me? What if it’s a part of my DNA?

I guess the way to solve the issue is to recognize it and its effects, and do things I know will help deter unhealthy habits. I can look at what did go well this weekend and what I would do different next year:

What went well?

  1. I got great gifts for people
  2. I spent a lot of time with Lily
  3. I had a warm house

What will I do different?

  1. On Christmas day, accept friends invite to hang with their family or volunteer

I read an article about creating your own tradition if you don’t follow everyone elses’. Volunteering every Christmas can be a good tradition for me to start for myself.

I must reflect on the realization that my world seemed to self destruct when my roomies went back home. Why is that? I didn’t go to the dance class I planned on. I started to think myself crazy for wanting to do all these things.

I’m glad the holidays are over, though.. I must work on this ache in preparation for next year. I can’t expect for it to be gone, but I can prepare for it. I can be smart and actually plan for it to visit rather than denying that it will make an appearance. Now I know it will.

Remember This…

I’m glad I kept messages so I know what happened and how I felt if I am ever forced to question my actions in the future, and my resolve to letting him go was also questioned. To be direct, if he ever tries to guilt me for breaking off communication…

After he said no to commitment, I still texted him. I invited him to dinner when I was in New Orleans in October – that’s why we had dinner at Zocolo and why he sent the I had a good time text.

I then texted him, perhaps a week or two after for dinner. He responded, again, hours later with “I’m pretty lit from the chiefs game”. That combined with seeing pictures of his girl activites pushed me to change my number. Not so that he can’t reach me, it’s so I would stop waiting for that text from a number that’s embedded into my mind.

Why must it feel so good to ruminate about heartbreak? That’s my issue right now. Stop writing about it and start living! If I keep writing and questioning – I’ll live in a loop. Writing, too, can be a dangerous hobby.