Not Doing Anything

Sitting silently situated on a couch
I am defiantly doing nothing now
I use to ache for action and excitement
But now I yearn for peace & enlightenment
I hear your purpose is slow to come
Purpose is purposely different for everyone
The world would be bland if we were all the same
Yet ironically the same is what makes us appear sane
My dog is whining crying for a run
But I am defiantly letting things go undone
Sometimes I fear I am wasting time
But in truth what we fear is falling behind
It isn’t the riches, glory, or material things
That brings you happiness you think it brings
It’s being able to sit still situated in silence
Not chasing a thing, just welcoming enlightenment

I’m laying on my couch with Chester nestled on me. Today would be a day I would have binged. The ingredients were there: new uncertain projects at work, work drama and stress from yesterday, residual negative thoughts coming up today.

The poem above speaks to meditation. I use to be uncomfortable with doing nothing and had to fill my time up. I also feared I would binge if I sat in silence for too long. But in this moment, I don’t feel like doing anything nor am I reaching for food as a filler. That’s because I want to be able to sit still and be mindful. To do what appears to be nothing, but is the most important something I’ve realized I wasn’t able to do before.

The main question or thought from the day is the idea that I’m falling behind because I’m choosing to just sit here instead of working towards something. It’s interesting that typically, I would distract myself with tv or my phone, but really, that’s not me working towards something either. It’s more fruitful to sit without distractions, though, because then I can practice mindfulness. This is the practice of observing the random and uncontrollable thoughts that come up, without judgement, then letting them go. This action is that important something I mentioned above.

Anyways… admittedly, I’ve been writing this post up so I haven’t really just sat in silence doing nothing. So… here I go.

Advertisements

How I Look

Facebook is such a humbling experience to be had – especially when you’re feeling mighty fine. I hate the way I look in pictures, to be frank. I don’t think I look good, at least on the recent pictures.

When I see these ‘bad pictures’ I begin to understand why those I am very attracted to doesn’t return the same feelings. Which is dumb. If in the moment, I feel hot and I get that reaction that I want, I still don’t think I’m enough because of my personality. Now that I don’t think I look hot, I think… I’m not enough because of the way I look.

It’s such a human problem to have. Who cares about the way I look and the way I am… No one else cares, I don’t care about the next guy I don’t pay attention to. t doesn’t make him any less of a human being.

I don’t want to be that person that is so connected to the way she looks, I wouldn’t want that in a partner either. A person’s spirit and soul has a lot more weight than the way they look. I’ve felt this before, myself more strongly attracted to a person’s soul than their looks.

It’s not how or the way that you look…. it’s how or the way that you think that makes you beautiful… it’s not how the other person thinks of you, it’s how you think of yourself.

Day 26 of January, in 2017

So Ju Jitsu has been a good experience so far. I’ve done two classes. The first class I was the only girl, the second class I got to practice with a couple girls. I enjoyed doing it with girls because I don’t think too much about anything other than what I’m doing. Although, the first girl I started to think she think me too inexperience – but I think that’s just my own projections. The second girl was smaller and more nervous. Her movements more frantic. I stayed a bit after during the second time, motivated by a purple belt guy to do the warm up with the competitive team. I absolutely loved the physical challenge. The touching, the lessons, the motivational talks, the physical challenges have been intoxicating. Here are what I have going on in terms of growth:

  • Not falling for every guy I meet
    • The more I become use to hanging with the guys, the less I’ll be so inclined to fall for them. I’ve read a little bit of resources about this topic. Much of which talked about personal insecurities and the need for validation in the form of attention being the cause of this ease of love.
  • Focus on a goal instead of emotional attachment
    • Relationships are wonderful and warming, but being too attached to it weakens you when things don’t go well, or you overthink your actions and words with someone.
  • Be ok with not being ok, be ok with being uncomfortable
  • Learn to detach from desires
    • Personal relationships: it’s ok if you’re not getting what you want from a relationship, it’s great if you do
    • Work: it’s ok not to take charge if that’s not your passion
    • Detachment from perfection

Last night I came over to Angie’s, Karen, Kristina, Cory and his friend Clint were there. I came late because I went to Yoga first. Also, because dinner was at 8 and since I already had dinner, I wanted to make sure I made it after meals were being served as to not tempt myself. I’ve been following a meal plan, I’m on day 3 and it’s been good so far. I haven’t been really hungry. I’ve been talking to a couple people who also have bing eating disorder, and I’ve been active on the subreddit, asking questions and offering advice. I’ve been meditating more, and feel happier all around. Happier doesn’t mean happy – just not in a paralyzed state of covetous (which I learned is opposite of contentment) as I usually am which causes binge eating.

Whoa.

Covetous: greedy, acquisitive, grasping, avaricious mean having or showing a strong desire for especially material possessions. covetous implies inordinate desire often for another’s possessions

Although this describes the desire of material possessions, I can actually apply this state of mind to my desire for emotional things – showing strong desire of the possession of other’s affection.

I think digesting this new finding may aid in my detachment journey.

Last night during conversation with everyone, I let out that I’ve been thinking about moving into the apartment complex Kevin use to live. Although I marked in my calendar that I was going to bring it up in Spring, it came up last night because we were talking about living situations, and I wanted to set that expectation soon. I didn’t want to go along with everyone else’s ideas knowing I already have my mind set. I felt bad at first, like I was trying to prove something. But, it did, partially, come from a good place. Honesty.

Anxious Thoughts Throughout the Day

  • James think I am combative and incompetent because of my debate with him over an idea
    • The facts are: I had a question, I tried my best to understand why he doesn’t like it, in the end, I can see where he is coming from. I don’t know what he’s thinking about me.
    • This is good practice to be detached from the desire of wanting other’s adulation. Let go of my attachment to my own idea of who I am as a friend, and as a co-worker. Let go of self judgements and thoughts that don’t serve the purpose of moving forward. Growth happens when you step forward instead of standing still in fear of what other’s may think of you.
    • The reason I called was to achieve the goal of understanding. The journey wasn’t smooth, it caused me a little bit of anxiety, but in the end, I got these answers:
      • Process: Before coming to James, huddle with Tom first – choose and offer it would be ideal for then come to James. He isn’t the boss but just needs direction and if I’m insistent he’ll go with it
    • Everyone has the right to cause problems if it comes from a good place – mine was to make the company money
    • Back to my to do list
  • Silence from coworkers adds on to my feelings of being “too much”, “too aggressive”, “not effective”
    • I don’t know what others are thinking. Others are busy with their own work. Breath, focus on task at hand. You don’t need clear cut, step one, step two. You think you do because you want validation for what you’re doing. You are smart enough to measure your own effectiveness even without someone else measurement stick. Be your own measurement stick, Vien. Don’t line up for the rac
  • So much of my mood is dependent on outputs out of my control. It doesn’t have to be this way. I recognize it, why do I need it? Why do I need positive reaction? Because I’m not confident in my own outputs.
    • someone’s reaction to me
    • people not looking at me
    • others good mood and good relationships

 

23rd of January, Year 2017

I am more aware of my weaknesses in terms of work. To operate without stress, I need guidelines and processes in place. I can look at it differently. Perhaps my inability to operate without one can be a motivator for putting in place one. Everyone needs direction, it’s the reason I left 40Digits. I didn’t have the right mindset to be in a position where I create these guidelines and steps. I am lost without it.

Being on the content department is challenging because there is no process in place for the brainstorming team I am in. I walk in the shadows of Tom instead of charging forward with my own mental capabilities. It’s not a bad thing, I have to remind myself. It’s a learning process for sure.

What I want to do is to create a process for this brainstorming team. I will outline one. My weakness is believing in my ideas. I feel as if they will be thought of as not good enough. I cannot let this fear stop me from charging forward. The worst thing I can be is inactive, the best thing I can do is take action. No matter the outcome, as long as I put deliberate thinking into my projects, I won’t feel badly about myself.

On to the next topic of discussion – balancing fitness goals, social life, and work.

Today it was apparent that my fitness was getting in the way of work and my social life. I woke late and went to the gym, not starting work until ten. Tonight I planned to do BJJ at 6:30. I got an invite from Erin to go watch The Bachelor and munch out, I got Angie asking the crew if we wanted to have dinner tonight, and then my brother asked me to come over for dinner… whoa, I realized, all three things had food and munching out in the mix… that is a HUGE trigger for my bad habits…

Anyways, I feel like my fitness is making me prioritize badly. Perhaps it’s time management that is screwing me up. Had I woke at the time I planned to, I would have started work early – which meant I wouldn’t be overwhelmed with not finishing things. If I didn’t double book myself for two exercise sessions (morning and BJJ) I would have time to go to my brothers or Erins. But if I went with Erin I would have had to say no to my brother. Ok…

It seems to me that we can’t please everyone. Even myself! Man, I wish I had a couch. A couch for fitness, social life, and work life. Some direction on what I should do to feel ok with my decisions about fitness, and some direction with work. More people don’t have guidance than do, so I’m not a victim. Just wishful thinking is all.

Mind dump time…what do I want?

  • I want to have a good social life – where I feel like I’m not continually missing out on get togethers.
  • I want to start and stop work on proper time
  • I want to have a good balance of classes and fitness activities that I’m doing
  • It appears that I WANT EVERYTHING
    • music
    • ju jitsu
    • running
    • yoga
    • good at my job
  • I guess it’s better to be reaching for all of these than nothing at all, although, reducing it would probably be better for me

There’s not a lot of time in the day for everything it seems… Perhaps I’ll read up on time management or listen to a podcast on my way to Ju Jitsu.

Time Management:

  1. List out my core values
  2. Learn to say no: “When we say no to one thing, in effect we’re also saying yes to something else.”

Tuesday, the 17th of 2017 – Anxious Thoughts

  1. When I ask questions I feel I should already know the answers to, I hear my sister’s frustration in my ear. Her impatiently telling me to scoot aside so she can do it herself. Her irritation at my incompetence.
    • It wasn’t right of her to treat me like that. I am smart and capable, I learn differently and at difference paces than others. Not slower, not faster, just different. Everyone has a lot going on, just because they don’t answer me, or don’t answer right away, it doesn’t mean I am less capable or intelligent. My willingness and eagerness to help shows through, if they don’t answer then mistakes will be made and it will be fixed. No big deal.