A Humble Pursuit

I’ve done the bare minimum for work today. I feel terrible about it, but at the same time, I understand that my position is a drop in the bucket of profits for my company.  I’m not using that as an excuse, I’m just using that as a reason for why I don’t feel exactly terrible.

Something occurred to me today, while I was talking with a dear friend. She is going through a moment where she questions herself and what she did in the past, she talked about seeking therapy for it. Our conversation didn’t help her exactly, I’m not sure what it did. But, it got me started on the idea of going into counseling.

Subtract the fact that my conversations with friends might not be helpful for them at all, I still feel that I innately enjoy talking about human emotions, possible causes and effects. Looking back, my interpersonal relationships are much stronger than my group relationships, and those that I am close to, I often get into the psychology of things.

I myself am lost and often down about myself, so how can I help others?

I don’t think the criteria for counseling is complete mastery of the self, I think that is the goal, but for some people, it takes a lifetime to master. In this pursuit, I believe that I would grow as a person just as much as my client. I don’t go into sessions thinking I know the absolute right answers. I go into sessions with a completely open mind and willingness to be corrected.

The idea of going back to school excites me as well, and the thought of no longer working from home is inviting, when the vision of me working in counseling office or school takes it’s place.

I do realize that my thoughts today are encouraged by the melancholy that I feel, but I also know that counseling has always been in my mind as a possible pursuit for as long as I’ve been searching for purpose. I spend more time thinking of a response to a friend’s dilemma then I do with actual work.

I must also realize that counseling, though sounds liberating now, will be a lot of hard work and a lot of heartaches. There will be days like these, where I don’t want to do a thing, and my happiness won’t increase. But it’s a path that I feel will enhance my life for the better and provide a sense of purpose for my life.

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Next Chapter & Beyond

There is one week that lies between my past and my future. Next week’s Sunday, I’ll be driving with my mom, my boxes, and my two dogs to Northern California to live with my big sister, my nephew, and my brother in law. The journey is the flip of the last page of this Chapter.

Next Chapter is a new adventure.

Currently, I am (and have been for the past 7 hours) laying in Chester’s bed inside my room that’s riddled with my stuff all over the floor. My bed is gone, so is my computer desk. I have been in my head the entire day. Crying, thinking, watching relate-able videos, planning, and being hopeless and hopeful.

I am happy to have come to a point in life where I am actually welcoming therapy. In fact, I think it’s an integral part of my binge eating recovery as well as my pursuit in building self esteem. I have been driving in a self sustaining vehicle for the past 15 or so years by internalizing my struggles, binging for release, and then researching ways to find personal growth. I’ve reached as far as I can go alone. I am at a a new point, where I need guidance and support outside of myself to, hopefully, open up the Chapter that follows the one I am about to crack open.

And that is what California is about.

In California, I aim to:

  • Pursue personal growth and freedom through therapy
  • Focus on improving my guitar and singing skills
  • Planning for the next chapter

What the next chapter looks like (I know I’m reading way ahead) is hopefully travel. I want to reach a point in my life where I am living in the world. I want to travel with Chester to destinations currently unknown for perhaps 6 months to a year. Working remotely, witnessing the world, and writing music as I go.

After that travel, I aim to come home to Kansas City, purchase a place in downtown Kansas City, create a life here, and continue to live in the world.

This brings hope to my heart, as I lay naked, overly full from my two days of binging, in a messy room on Chester’s bed. The future is bright. The present is alright. And I am going to be okay.

Feelin’ Right

I listened to Oprah for a big last night – the main thing I got was to really listen to your intuition and listen to how you feel about things. The way she spoke about news reporting not being right for her is how I feel about all my work thus far not being ‘right’ for me. What I’m doing now — my god — how can I be anymore lucky? I work remotely, doing really non-stressful work. But, every morning I dread starting. I don’t think it’s because I’m spoiled — I think it’s because I know there’s something more satisfying that I can do that I can also make a living out of. I want to lead my own life. I’m doing doing so working for someone else. It’s not starting a business either. I want to write. I want to sell books. I want to daydream and talk about things I can act like I know. I want to feel butterflies, I want to feel so happy or sad that it leads me to tears — all from imagining up worlds and characters and their interactions. That’s what I want to do. And I’m going to do it. I don’t know if I will be able to make a living, but that’s what I want to do in my spare time. To get spare time, I have to time manage better. I have many forces that take up my time. I am also feeling so guilty about not visiting my parents more. But, selfishly, visiting my parents sometimes make me feel not great. My dad typically is negative, complaining about this or that. I don’t’ want to hear it. Blah — you don’t have to judge me because I’m already judging myself.

BJJ has been great. I’ve been getting better. I really enjoy rolling after class. Yesterday I ran 12 miles then went to class. I was DEAD afterwards. I didn’t do anything I was suppose to. I was suppose to go to Hana’s Mary Kay party and to go home. I didn’t do either. I feel guilty — but I don’t feel like i made the wrong decision. Guilty comes from imaginations of a future where your decisions today might bite you then… If I don’t live with guilt then I don’t live in fear of the future that becomes from the decisions I make today. I want to live guilt free.

Ok. Back to work — I must make something of myself. This lucrative job which some of us abuse isn’t going to last — I know it. People are getting let go left and right from different jobs and I’m here complaining about mine. That’s why, I must time manage better and invest in a future in which I am leading it.

Hello Again

I can’t remember the last time I’ve written on here… I’ve been cheating on you… I’ve found a little community on Reddit – the BingeEatingDisorder subreddit. There, I’ve been posting everyday and titling it “Challenging my Binge/Urge Day #__”. There I feel heard and seen, some have commented encouraging things, saying my points help them out in their recovery process. I feel seen, heard, and validated there.

I started reading Brain Over Binge, it’s become a game changer for me. Without getting in too deep, an example of the change it’s made is this: I was in a mood after my Big’s grandma’s birthday, one I am typically in that eats me alive. I reached out to Jackson who has become my support friend from Reddit. He talked me out of my strong urges. I had fallen asleep trying to meditate, and when I woke, I took myself to the kitchen. I began eating and eating, but for the first time ever, I felt my ‘human brain’ and my ‘animal brain’ at odds. Usually, my animal brain takes over and I robotically stuff my face. Tonight, though, mid-way, I didn’t want anymore. I continued, just because. But really, something was different. The difference was that I actually knew, in the moment, I was still going to feel empty once my stomach was full.

 

I was stuffed but not painfully full. I went back into my room. When I heard Karen and our other friends coming home, I closed the door and began to relive my teen years where my sister would be with a large group of friends, and I would be alone reading somewhere – dreaming of a day where I would be just like her. I began to dig myself into a dark hole in my room, while Karen and our other friends chit chatted outside. I felt so anti-social, so alone, yet so not wanting to mingle either.

I had a little epiphany, well it started with the question, “why do I want what I want”? Why am I so unhappy with my social capabilities? Why do I continuously force myself to want to be this social butterfly? Why do I feel empty having something that makes me uncomfortable?

I think… this is my first step to self acceptance… I accept my social awkwardness and my sensation of feeling uncomfortable in certain social situations. The binge that I feel really wasn’t a binge doesn’t hurt me like it usually does. Maybe because I know that would be my last binge ever. Today, I begin my journey towards letting go of my obsession with relationships and will live my life the way it naturally feels good to live.

Because I am no good at social groups, for now, I am going to devote my time, instead to becoming the best that I can be within the practice of Jiu Jitsu, running, & possibly volunteering. I will possibly set up a meetup for running long runs around Kansas City.

I feel a new sensation taking over my body and soul, something has woken up… a blurry vision of purpose not yet actualized… something is there. I no longer wish to be this social butterfly.

I love myself in the darkness of my empty room, I love my thoughts swirling in my head that is directing me towards a purposeful life… Although I would love to be a social butterfly because of the energy it seems to give others and my envy towards them, I can’t become it simply because it’s not me. Just like, I can’t be with Billy simply because he doesn’t return the same love. It’s just not meant to be. Acceptance is the first step. I accept that I am neither meant for Billy or to be a butterfly. I’m meant to be something else, not worse off and not better. Just something else that is better suited for me. I, for the first time ever, am so excited about who I am going to become… I’ve heard it from others to me, but I’ve never believed it. For the first time ever, I believe that whatever I’m going to become, is going to be great.

Vien, I love the hell out of you.

My Choice is to STOP

Last night I binge. Oh, I binged so good. I had half a bag of family sized ruffles, chicken, nuggets, fries, coke, food, food, and more food! I ate till I forgot about my stress of the day. And boy was I stressed. I have so much work to do and the music website has been stressful on me too.

I was paralyzed yesterday. Ever feel like you have so much to do but don’t know where to start and people are waiting on you? That was me yesterday. So I ate. That is like another kick to my face while I am down. And I did it to myself.

So, I am deciding to stop. I will not allow myself to gain 40 lbs of useless weight again. I don’t care if I am incredibly hungry for the release of endorphins. I will chose to drive myself 20 minutes to the gym if it means it will keep me from a binge. I will write pieces after pieces if it means keeping me from a binge. I will cry, I will scream, I will do anything and everything (unharmful to others) if it means keeping me from a binge.

I am choosing to stop today. Just as I chose to stop loving my ex, just as I chose to stop taking in my dad’s sadness (still a work in progress), just as my future choices I am determined in, I am choosing to stop this 3 decade old addiction.

Just. Like. That.

I’m going to have a kick ass, productive day today.

Update ~ Impulse Change

I was encouraged to cut off all ties with Billy after reading a couple of online articles:

Community Support & Fantasy & It’s Effect

The first article came from women who repeated one advice ~ cut off all ties.

Some helpful things they said:

  1. “You still love him because you have allowed yourself to continue the relationship with him. You have been fuelling your feelings. You need to stop talking to him.”
  2. (1) If he really loved you, he wouldn’t have moved for the job. (2) In TEN YEARS he never found the time to visit you… this doesn’t sound like a guy who loves you. (3) The fact that he gave the impression he was single, says to me that he was trying to cheat on his current partner, with you. My impression is this guy is a player.”
  3. It will make a great story to tell your daughter some day when she gets her heart broken… it happens to the best of us and it never hurts any less but you WILL heal…
  4. I think that was what I loved: the mystery and romance. It took some time, but now, I recognize that at the end of the day, mystery and “romance” don’t keep me warm on cold nights, but love does. You’re in love with your past, sweetheart, and that’s ok. Just make sure you fall in love with your present and future more.

I didn’t read all the comments, but I greatly appreciated the advices. I quickly called T-Mobile and on impulse, changed my number. His number will forever be locked into my head, but I have enough self control now to not contact him. I don’t, though, have enough self control to not wait for him to contact me. With changing my number, I won’t wait anymore. I blocked him on Snapchat as well. I am effectively remove him from my physical life. The only way he will ever see me again is if we run into each other. Even then, on that day, I truly hope my heart has healed and I am whole. Mentally, he’s still here. But I’m reminding myself that the he I love is not the he that exists.

This leads me to article #2. This talks about our tendency to create fantasy as an escape/coping mechanism. I have been daydreaming and fantasizing about love and better days since I can remember. Billy intertwined himself in these fantasies. This article repeats the notion that living in fantasy takes you away from your current reality. It’s not healthy to believe in these fantasies as I’ve believe in the Billy I thought he was. He doesn’t exist.

In my life, I want to be able able to say that I truly lived. I’ve been asleep for so long, living only in my dreams and fantasies. I want to close that door in my life and start making my reality a dream to live. I want to be a good strong link in the chain of life ~ Neil Degrasse Tyson. I don’t know what that entirely will look like. But I think I’ve made it to the doorway of the 4 walls I’ve been hiding in.

I want to fly.

I want to sing.

I want to dance.

I want to fall in love.

I want to stay in love.

I want to have children.

I want to pass on words of love and encouragements to the next generation because in doing so, they will flourish and grow. I want to live in the moment and not in my head or others heads.

I think today is the first day of my life.

 

Day 2

I went to the gym this morning. Yesterday, I weighed myself to be 136.2. That’s the lightest I have been since I can remember. I’m not stopping though, there’s no reason to. To live a purposeful life, I must be the best version of me possible. The best version of me is a fit and confident me. There are things I want to do with my life, some I know and some I haven’t explored yet.

Today I will work from home out of laziness and comfort. Even though the silence feels lonely at times. Perhaps in the future, when I’m in a better place, I will ask the 40Digits crew to lunch. I’ll have actual things to talk about, my exploration in my hobbies and such.

On the way home, traffic lasted for an hour which was not normal, I think it was an accident. I had a few moving thoughts:

  1. Billy: If Billy is with me out of comfort, he’s not going to be happy. He being unhappy will lead to my unhappiness. His unhappiness if he’s without me would make me even more focused on healing him. The only way for me to be happy, is for him to be happy with someone else. He is happy, I am not unhappy. I just haven’t found my happiness yet, but this state is a better state than if he were with me unhappily. Right now it sucks, and my heart literally aches. But I know I am better for it, even though the positives aren’t always in my face and visible.
  2. Food: If I am dedicated to solving problems either with work, hobbies, or other things and I don’t get stopped by a hurdle than I won’t run to food for comfort and procrastination. I left the gym early so I can buy myself more time to knock out work and some tasks on the website. I use to prolong gym trips, and do this and that before tackling work as a way to procrastinate. Not anymore. I’m going to take care of myself as much as I need to then tackle work.

I had another but I can’t remember.

Day 1 and start of day 2 of getting over him:

I’ve cried off and on, even though I said I wouldn’t cry for him anymore. I don’t feel bad, though, I’m going to cry if I want to. Of course my mind jumps from images of him groveling for my love to images of her on his lap and his heart feeling alive again. It hurts thinking of someone else bringing him happiness. But that’s why I’ve constructed thought 1 from above to help with that feeling.

I need to block his number and remove him from my snap chat. I go back and forth because:

  1. I said I’d always be a friend
  2. I want to keep the channels open
  3. I want him to eventually reach out to me and see me happy

All these points are self serving and only setting myself up for even more pain. The reality is:

  1. We are exes, we got together and played the part we needed to to move ahead. I boosted his confidence by openly wanting him, now he’s living out the life he wants. He broke my heart and motivated me to live the life I want, that’s worth living, if 2nd to a life with him. My goal is to make it a life I’d pick over a life with him. He’s not a friend to me, he’s an ex, an ex that I still love deeply and am mourning after. He will never be a friend. If he is in a dire situation, he’ll know how to reach me by using his brain and some problem solving.
  2. Keeping the channel open is pretty much saying I am waiting for him to get tired of his current life and realize that he’s not happy without me in it. Next point.
  3. He’s not going to do this.

The pro points:

  1. I can freely post on snapchat
  2. Eventually, I’ll get back on facebook and delete him too.
  3. I will grow to not expect a text from him since his number is blocked – even though right now I’m thinking I’ll wait for a weird text and it’ll be him. Wishful thinking again.

I’ll forgive myself if I block and unblock him, I am ever changing and my decisions will vary from moment to moment.

Ok. On to starting the day.