This is Important

I can feel myself slipping into a depressive cycle. And I know exactly what the triggers are, so I must write about it.

  1. I am getting annoyed of my roommates, perhaps they are the victims of my PMS feels or perhaps I have a right to feel the way I feel. I became annoyed when Kristina didn’t follow through with her statement that she will follow up with our landlord about our missing checks. The day came around and she didn’t want to be the person to send it. I don’t know what lays in her way in her head, but I was annoyed because it was something that 1. she said she’d do, and 2. it needs to be done. So I went ahead and sent the text. I ended up driving the checks to John, about my 3rd or 4th time doing it. The other two roommates don’t take any responsibilities for bills at all. Which is fine, I guess. Or maybe it’s unfair to Kristina and I. I don’t know.
  2. Angie invited us three to dinner but she texted my old phone. I was already out with Erin when Karen called asking if I was coming. Ok, I’m being ridiculous here. i think my irritation built from the irresponsible nature of the Moores and I am blaming them here. I was thinking, they could have brought it up the two days prior. But, I had already made plans with Erin last week for this week so it wouldn’t matter. It’s the principle of it. But it’s also a weird principle. I shouldn’t be feeling this way here. I think I’m just sensitive to the missing out of occasions so it got me. I was being sour to Kristina.
  3. I had a long conversation with Erin, diving deep. Then I had a conversation with Chris, this guy at the dog park. I was more assertive than normal. As in, I interrupted him some to talk. I had to though! He talked so much and I wasn’t going to just listen like I normally do. After these deep talks, though, I felt really vulnerable. Did I say too much? Or the wrong things? Was I trying to be someone I am not? I don’t know.
  4. It’s Friday.. I hate weekends. I’ve always hated them because it highlighted the fact that I am insecure about my social life. It won’t always be like this though. I’ll create a life where I look forward to my weekends.

So yeah, these thoughts and happenings are what causing me to feel that little flame of anxiety. I feel like the only solutions to my dilemma with my roommate is to either, 1. deal with it and live with the anxiety. Hope that I’ll grow out of it, or 2. Get my own place…

I might do the latter… I’m nervous because that’s ‘facing the darkness’ in the bravest way. I worry I will miss out on the Moores and Jakes adventures, but honestly, I’ve kept myself from enjoying these adventures because of the ‘click’ disconnect anyways. So I really wouldn’t be missing out on much. Even, I may enjoy it more if I actually reach out and seek that experience rather than feeling a mere convenient inclusion.

In 15 minutes I have a call with David – head of the content department to go over my goals. I am in both creative and content. I want to make sure I have a heavy hand in creative because I really enjoy learning and using photoshop and stretching my creative brain. I must make that clear to him, that I must maintain time for creative. It might be difficult to find a balance for me at the beginning, but if I make that clear to him, then my workload should be balanced.

After the call, I am going to the gym, then to Starbucks to work. I may see Victor, I hope I do. I feel terrible because I stopped going all of a sudden and I wonder what he thinks. I hope he doesn’t take it personal. I shouldn’t worry about that because, I know I only worry because I would feel that way if I were in his shoes. He is not like me, he’s not as affected by things like this. So he’s probably just doing his own thing.

This weekend, I’m going to work really hard against falling into the cycle mill. I know I have feelings, and it’s ok that I have these feelings. I just have to work through them, face them. I am human, I am not a bad person for feeling irritated, annoyed, or sensitive.

Vien, I love you, don’t you ever ever ever give up on yourself. Even when you feel the sky is becoming dark, you know, your eyes always adjust until the sun creeps up ever so slowly again. Just as you can’t control nightfall, you can’t control the sunlight that is determined to creep through your blinds either.

 

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Day 10 ~ Emotional Rollercoaster & Really Random Mind Dump

Today has been a day out of days I might remember. Hopefully, when I do reminisce, it’ll be with contentment in my heart instead of the ache that actually existed the entire day.

It started out on the wrong foot already. I was still in my green, long-sleeved button up shirt and jeans when I woke up at 6:30 am. Makeup still smeared on my face and teeth still carrying the bacteria from the nights devourment. I got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I still took myself to the gym.**

The night before Leighann and I went to the Riot Room to watch her neighbor, Mike, play a show with his band. Of course, my mind was on Billy the entire time, wondering if he’d slip in here as it seemed to be his (old) crowd. I caved and talked about him for a little bit. I brought up his new flame on his Facebook, really hoping she’d pull it out so I would get an update. She did as predicted and my next 30 hours suffered for it.

I got more than an update. I got 4 shots and a too drunk state to drive home. He was at some sort of dance with this woman, his arms wrapped around her itsy bitsy waist. I can’t get over how adorable she is. In doing so, I imagine the attraction and efforts he must be putting towards her*. I wonder why I do this to myself, but, I truly felt like I had to see it. I have no idea of their relationship but I make up for it with my imagination.

Today I felt like I had no right to be sad like others who just got out of a relationship. My situation is so different, as with every situation I guess. I’m just angry that I’ve been so insecure to let this go on for as long as it has – 10 YEARS. I can’t use this as an excuse for subpar performance either. “So you decided to hit your ex back up, ended up getting hurt, and now you’re feeling like you just broke up again?” It’s embarrassing to me because I also have to admit how one sided this has been all along, and how blind I was to it all. I was so addicted to the feeling of being loved and getting attention that I ignored all the evidence that told me that this was just a bandaid for the emptiness inside me. He was just a bandaid. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.

I can’t explain this to anyone enough for them to understand the immense amount of pain I feel as a result of depression and social anxiety. This is a double edge sword because, the best way to get over something like this is through  talking… but this that you are dealing with typically don’t get talked about or if it does, you have to seek it. Which depressed and anxious people don’t want to do.

Long story short, I’m still in a state of melancholy over him. I hate that it feels good to ruminate about it. Feeling sad can be addicting – it’s as if my mind has started using him as a self defense against actual productivity and pursuit/realization of my dreams. Fear stops me, memories of him allows me to stay the victim. It allows me to say, it’s okay that I didn’t perform my best today because I’m heartbroken.

Weeks-block-YOU.png

When I write about the realities of our unhealthy relationship, the tiger in me comes out. I can become someone fueled by feelings of being wronged. I’m motivated to be focused and driven… until I start thinking of how silly and futile “being wronged” is. I was not wronged because of how someone else chooses to live their life. I am not a victim of their actions. I am a victim of my own patterns & habits. See that chart up there? That’s my whole life…all the time I have to do what I want to do. I cannot say with commitment, “I don’t need a man in my life because there’s too much to do!” That statement isn’t even valid. The statement implies: If you have work that needs to be done, you don’t need a man in your life. I believe the opposite, and perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to let go. I believe the right person in your life will help you achieve more than you would on your own. But, one will never ever know the truth of this without a parallel universe.

Billy and I were not that for each other whatsoever. I will admit this. We hindered each other’s growth. I am a hinderance to myself even of growth. The universe’s solution to that was to keep us apart. Perhaps bring us different people that would encourage growth in us. Sometimes, that might just be your reflection. And that’s ok. Perhaps that’s what is most painful about this whole process. Realizing that he, without you, is for the better. And you without him, right now, is for the worse. But there is no time stamp for ‘getting better’, it’s not a race. Realizations happen at different times for everyone. It doesn’t make it less impactful or amazing because it comes later.

Living in constant rumination is addicting because it allows us to be sub par to our ideal self by enabling us to place the blame of not feeling whole onto someone or something else. If you are not whole, go find something you think might fix it. Keep looking until you realize, that hole is no longer there. My deattachement to food went as such. There were binge nights where nothing you did could stop me from binging. Nothing. Just like now, can stop my desire for Billy.

How did I deattach myself to food? Because I had to. There was no way I could be who I wanted to be if food was always going to be the enemy. With Billy – it’s even more hard because I think I can’t be who I want to be without him… his validation provides me a path. Without his validation I don’t know what path to take.

Therein lies a big issue.

 

Gem Conversation today was with Vic (site he made). I met him at Starbucks. This gentleman had my hear for a few hours. I sacrificed getting work done for any treasure I could find in his wisdom.

  • kids these days are too afraid of management, they don’t want to put in the hard work
  • be mindful of speaking another language around others?
    • not sure if I will, I believe you can speak whatever you want when you want… freedom of speech!
  • if you know you need to do it – THEN DO IT.
  • dig deeper into subjects, I stop at the shell – he called me out for this
  • reading people, who wants to talk, who doesn’t
  • personal appearance – efforts in how you come off to people because people look
  • carry my eagerness to learn throughout my entire life

I don’t want to lose in life. I want to win. Winners prep for the next day, complain less & do more, and they dig beneath the surface of things.

I think in my digging into my emotions, it’s a way of being a winner. I just hope these realizations prove itself fruitful and I’ll be walking around town with contentment in my heart after this big life lesson is over.

I just remember back in May when I put my life on a different path, I said I wanted to face the darkness. I was ready for it.

The darkness thus far has been an extremely eye opening, self defeating at times, and humbling experience. What is coming to light is my past heart ache and current heartbreak, disillusionment of that relationship and parental relationships. I’m still scared of course in the dark, because who knows, I might be a manic at the end of this and all my writing will be taken as proof for that rather than a jumble of possible enlightening resource.

I guess facing the darkness sometimes means doing things even though you don’t feel like it whether it’s because you don’t fancy it or it doesn’t fancy you. It means doing what’s needed even though an ache lives, seemingly permanently, in your heart. The darkest of nights carry the brightest of stars, these lessons I’m learning are those stars. I just hope out of darkness comes light. It’s in me somewhere… I just have to awaken it.

Day 6 ~ Up & Down

I’ve taken myself to the gym between 5:30-7am everyday this week. I see a lot of progress with my body, but there is much left to do and there is much left to accept. I’ve returned a full length mirror to my room. I dance in front of it when I want, and look at myself naked when I want.

Better Man was on replay for about 70% of my exercises. I don’t know how I feel right now, in my room, watching Cosmos, but here are some thoughts I jotted down during my exercises:

  • Radio silence was a huge problem when we dated. It seems he hasn’t changed. Is that what you want?
  • He is intertwined with the past you, where your parents attention was sparse.
  • Changing of song meaning. Better man..now is inspiration. This woman knows her worth. It hurts but she’s cutting her losses and moving on. Losses will soon be gains of a well examined life. I think Billy valued this in me and he learned from me in this arena. I’ll allow myself to believe that at the very least.
  • He too might be repeating a pattern. His dad’s extramarital affairs and his mom’s extreme attachment to him. He pigeon holed me to play his mom’s part. I was a comfortable repeat. I didn’t have to be but was because we were a mix of underdeveloped chemicals. I see a little clearer today. I miss him but I wouldn’t have been able to develop the way that I am with him. He couldn’t with me, as painful as that truth is.
  • It hurts to think, “perhaps he’s already there with someone else.” My imagination shows me that he is enlightened and has a wonderfully bright life ahead of him, one without me. Why do I “imagine” that for him? Is it really my own insecurities and fear of really stepping towards my own wonderfully bright life ahead of me, without them?
  • In letting go of what I understood as love, and being open to the big mystery,  my electron will find me. I’ll do things I would want to do as if we’ve already found each other. I don’t want to waste it on the couch or in tv, I want to be out.
  • You know it’s love when you didn’t even have to try. Like protons and electrons, their attraction towards each other is inevitable the closer they get.
  • My mom stayed unhappy…her glimmer of happiness was mine. So now I’m use to only glimmers. No. I’m not agreeing with that. I would have left my dad in her shoes.
  • Mom only had dad for emotional support all these years… That explains so much
  • Don’t judge yourself for anything other than your pursuit of passion. That may be the only thing you will be known for that you have a shot at being good at.
  • If I learned a single thing from this, it is that we all have the ability to create friendships when we are born. It is the environment that molds you into which category you belong to. You can reject it if it makes you unhappy. It will take a lot of time, possible tears, and heartbreaks but know that re-molding of deeply ingrained beliefs can be an excruciating process.
  • Your body is a vessel for your soul. You get weaker as you age because the energy is spent growing. Your soul’s age stays the same, you just become wiser. Live your life for your soul and be prepared to leave your body when the time comes. I don’t believe that this is it.
  • I love my mom. Women must stick together for emotional support. Men…well the ones I’ve chosen have sucked at that. My girlfriends though, I think I did well there. I just need more time to grow and become a better friend to myself and to others. Billy included. The day I forgive him will be the day I fully understanding why he was in my life and why letting him go was right. Just like leaving 40Digits. I’m doing what’s needed to actualize, guilt free.
  • Writing to me is like talking to my best friend, I’m obsessed with it! There’s so much to learn about yourself and others, that only writing can teach. I have a lot of emotional knots to smooth out and I don’t want to burden others with my underdeveloped thoughts. I want friendship but now I know to control my need for opening up and getting validation. Instead I’ll live in the moment and respect my friends. I’ll create myself the environment I want when I’m ready to be open. I’m making my bed.
  • I think billy may be wiser and it crushes me. I’m in love with his potential still. And his new girl I’m using as a reflection of what I missed out on. I think this is dangerous thinking and needs to be explored.
    • Billy is wiser, why does that affect me?
      • I’m missing out on happy & enlightened moments with him
      • I have these enlightened moments that I want to share with him
      • He’s just so attractive now
      • We connected on a soul level.. I’m afraid I won’t find the same connection again
    • I’m in love with his potential still
      • I was in love with who I wanted him to be then, and I’m in love with who I’ve convinced myself he is now
      • I’m ‘missing out’ on this potential
    • His new girl
      • This is such a sore of a topic. I absolutely hate thinking about other girls with him and what they could possibly mean to him.
      • My imagination of who she is is a reflection of who I want to be. Not because she has him, but because she got him. One way street. I truly don’t think, if I respected and valued myself as much, I would not respond to his stimulation. He fulfills the lack of attention I was getting – if I pay attention to myself, he’ll have nothing of value to me
    • Affirmative Thoughts
      • I am more enlightened than I ever have been in my life, and I am also as single as I have been in all my life. Is this merely a coincidence? His validation of my ideas hasn’t worked before… when I turn to him with my ideas, I expect him to respond a certain way based on who I imagined him to be and when he didn’t, I was put off. Which was immature on my part.
      • I have these enlightened moments because of his treatment towards me. It exposes in me, what I am missing. Because of that, I am driven to digest my emotions and adapt for the better
      • We did connect, so well, but I have to believe that he’s not the only person I’ll have this connection with. We connected on our woes growing up, and that’s probably reason enough to let go. He isn’t my electron, he’s another proton and that’s why our universes aren’t meant to be together
      • He is very attractive, but he’s not perfect at all.
      • His potential is who I envision myself being with when I’m older. His potential is described under “Starbucks Lover”. I have to realize that he’s not my idea of what his potential is. Every single one of us has potential within us, it doesn’t make Billy special that his is being actualized. Mine is as well, he’s not getting anything from the universe that I’m not.
      • I don’t know how to affirm myself when it comes to other women in his life… I still feel shitty when I think of this. But, my feelings about it is so ingrained in me, way before he and I got together. It ties with the topic of developing friendship skills – friend not foe.

Starbucks Lover

  • He was very very handsome and very married and far ahead in the universe. But, I imagined being the girl he loves and what she might look like and be driven by. I want a beautiful love like what I imagined he had, inside and out. Again, these are fantasies…
  • (Potential) I guess, right now, it’s my way of motivating myself to become better. I want a healthy love. I want my love to understand my upbringing, how I think and why I think it, and I want my love to respect me and be compassionate towards me. As I will be towards him. I didn’t get this from Billy.
  • And then I realize, above is way too much expectation for anyone. There isn’t enough time in the world to have that kind of understanding to be an expectation. Focus on yourself, he’ll focus on himself, and together, we’ll charge up our atom.

Fears:

I am afraid of not reaching my potential before I die. This fear is in part due to not realizing what my potential even is. How do you quantify that? I guess you can first look at what a fulfilling life looks like for you. It varies from people to people and it takes time to discover. People always say life isn’t a race. It sure feels like it sometimes, given the small amount of time we have here to “be all we can be” and live up to the “YOLO” movement. My whole life has been a directionless search for people and things that could make me happy. It’s not a surprise that this activity didn’t have the results I wanted, but in analyzing why what I was doing wasn’t working, I was able to clear the obstructing things in my view to clearly see my North Star and the road it’ll take to get there. 

I am afraid, that in blue is just my manic talking. How will I ever reach my North Star if I don’t have enough endurance to stay the course? That’s something that will be my life’s challenge. If I don’t become someone notable, at the very least, I hope to have built a life that would allow me to die happy – because that would mean all my pain and revelations meant something. And, that means I can pass on all that my soul has learned on Earth to my son and or daughter. And perhaps she can carry on my memory and realize her potential. In a way, that is time travel. You live within your offspring by the DNA you’ve passed on as well as how you raise them, we already achieved immortality if we choose to believe this. If I never meet my electron, then I hope to still have a fulfilling life. My impact will be those I reach with my writing, and maybe music, as well as my nieces and nephews. I’ll live on that way.

Binge

Yeah 😦

145.

I worked so hard to get to where I did, now I’m losing the ground I gained. I’m really scared. I’m the beginning and ending to life as I know it. I could get out of my own way.

What is going right in my life?

  • My parents are still alive
  • My siblings are growing their family, our family
  • I have a pretty sweet computer setup
  • I’ve found a good friend or two

I want to say goodbye to binging. It’s the only way I’ll start living. It means living with fear, worry, and anxiety, without remedy – right? Or does it mean I’ll have to destroy fear, worry, and anxiety? Because, I don’t’ know what other distraction I can have. I will get over it – I may regain all my weight and more, people will notice, and they will judge. But, I’m on my own journey.

What can I do to make things better?

  • Read the CBT book again
  • Seek therapy
  • Write each time I want to binge
  • Sleep when I’m tired

Last night I was doing really good – no binge, near sleep, then I heard the T.V. make a really strange noise. I’m home alone, I got scared, I got up and binged.

I think I need to see a therapist again, this time, I’ll be ready for one. First I’ll read through the book to see if it helps.

 

Practice Makes Perfect

I’m writing because I’ve got the munchies really bad. I just want to eat, eat, and eat. I don’t want to feel this uncertainty and insecurity. And to not feel that, I have to put a bandaid over it in the form of eating. It would tire me out completely. Afterwards, I’ll still have my workload along with my low confidence with my output.

These are what I am chewing over badly:

  • My friend hasn’t responded, she seems to be the only person I ever really want to hang with other than my ex. But, she, like my ex, is much more detached from me then I am to her
  • Barbara is knocking out work seemingly and it makes me nervous about my job, will I lose it?
  • I haven’t been spending a lot of time with the new baby
  • I don’t know if I’ll be able to complete the music site successfully

Ok – combating these thoughts… GO!

  • She’s most likely doing her own thing. It’s okay that I want to hang with her all the time. It’s fun and we’re really similar. But she has her own life as she always has. It’s ok that I’m more attached as well. It just means I’m human.
  • I don’t know what she’s doing, or anyone else is doing for that matter. The company is changing, lots is going to the machines. I may lose my job whether or not I’m knocking out a lot of work. Just keep doing what I’m doing and whatever changes, I’ll be able to handle it
  • I may not be able to, and it’s ok. It’s ok to say you promised more than you can handle. It sounds like he’s really slow to respond as well to Barbara.

I still don’t feel amazing..but I’ll keep working… dinner is right around the corner

OMG

I just felt a huge pang of emotion… and following that are thoughts and feelings and reflections of my past wanton actions… and now I’m questioning my worth…

But I don’t feel like binging, I feel like figuring out why I feel this way and how to correct it.

Ok – the company hired new people, girls. I immediately felt, I wish there was another word for it, jealous. I was already thinking they were prettier, or just better all around. On the company trip, I felt like the new girl. This made me realize, I’m no longer the new girl. And that’s ok.

There will always be more prettier, nicer, smarter, more skilled, more dignified, and charming girls. I am completely far away from that. I feel ashamed now, because I realized, on the company trip, I was so big headed. I thought I was the bell of the ball with my red turtleneck and close fitted dress. In the moment, I felt like I had to show off, to be that girl, to get attention. But now, in retrospect, as I imagine a new set of girls coming in, all much more of what I’ve listed, are now the bell of the ball. And that’s ok, because maybe that’s their thing. I tried it, and it wasn’t my thing. I ended up messing around which resulted in a possible spoiled reputation and a +1 in the rejection scoreboard.

All my life I wanted to shine and to be loved. What I’ve learned is that it takes a lot of work to be that girl – and it has to take someone who is genuine in what it takes to actually be that girl. I’m not that girl. I envy that girl.

Today I truly realize, I’m not that girl. And right now it makes me feel a bit down, especially as I tread through this shameful/guilty feelings thinking of my past actions. I hold onto the past so that I can recreate the feelings of when I was that girl. 

Why do I care to be that girl?

Right now it’s livelihood. I think I have to be that girl to keep my lifestyle – work from home with a flexible schedule. Here’s the thing… this is completely out of anyone’s control. I might lose the job from something unexpected like the CEO was smuggling something something and got caught and the company went under. What I need to do, if this is a legit concern is spend time (when I’m bored and just want to eat) learning something that can create a backup if this job falls through. 

*I want to keep in mind, my lifestyle is what I like right now.  I know it is subject to change as I change with time.

That girl gets the guy. At least that’s what t.v. tells me. I think it’s natural to want to be what guys want so that you end up with someone. It feels good being with someone who understands you, who can make you laugh (vice versa), who is good for you, and doesn’t bore you. Maybe I’m pretty particular. That’s something I’m learning about myself these days. My binging personality does not care if the chicken strip is cold, she will eat it and want more. I like this side of me because it keeps me open minded. But it also leaves me choosing guys that don’t make me feel all those things. My cold self that I am trying to keep alive, the self that is 135 lbs. and smiling is picky. She actually takes time to taste and will put the fork down if she doesn’t like it, but she can come off as an asshole (which I’ve admitted that I am – just need to control it for friendship/family sake), she isn’t flirtation and is more cognisant of who she lets in.

When I exercise, I am more so my binge self. The binge self keeps me going because it’s seen me get up a million times before while my cold self starts feeling overly confident and big headed by thoughts that I let roll on too long. Downfall of having an imagination… I am working on controlling it though.

So I need my binge and cold self to work together. My past motivations were to be the bell of the ball and wanted, it’s no longer that. My current motivation is to be motivated to focus on anything as much as I was at finding love . Well not anything… it has to mean something to me. I already admit that I’m not a saint, I’m a pretty shitty person so I’m not always going to say or do the right things. I’m going to be selfish but I will always try and be honest. I guess exploring meaning is a motivation. Especially what happens as I feel any sort of emotion, such as jealousy from this morning. Why feel jealous? And is that answer reasonable enough to maintain the feeling? Such as I felt jealous because I was kind of slutty and thought I was hot shit on the companies meet up. Ok.. why did you think you were hot shit?

Cold self:

  • I lost a lot of weight
  • I like my reflection
  • I looked good in my outfit
  • Felt like I got a lot of eyes

Ok this is as honest as I can get with my vanity. But then this gets me really insecure:

Binge Self:

  • Still have mushy skin and loose boobs
  • My gap and big nose isn’t perfection
  • I don’t look good all around
  • It’s mainly makeup and efforts on hair
  • Getting eye contact isn’t really that hard

Where is the warm self? The mixture of these two extremes…

What would have the warm self, the self that mentally give itself Tulips as a way to forgive itself when it knows it’s being too unkind, or too conceited, or too assholish, or too much of anything. It forgives itself and reminds itself that:

  1. Refocus on the moment
  2. Every thought that just freaked you out isn’t grounded in reality and has no weight
  3. Other’s thoughts, behaviors, and actions don’t have to affect you, keep doing you
  4. What would you do if you didn’t feel badly?

So my warm self, on the company trip, wouldn’t have worn the red shirt, much too sexy, as well as the dress. Well, no, my warm self can wear those things. But my warm self wouldn’t be surprised when she gets attention and would have turned down the invitation to go to his bedroom knowing that it isn’t a declaration of love but a validation of something you, today, know. You don’t have to settle or give any parts of you that you don’t want to because there will be more. I’m not sure who, but I know there will be more that would be much more of a fun time compared to this person who doesn’t seek monogamous love… from you. As much as that hurts to admit, don’t use their rejection as validation on your negative self talks and just keep doing you. It might be true, it might not, it’s just not worth the bother in figuring out.

You don’t have to prove it, you just are. And someone will notice it. If no one does notice it…then maybe this century wasn’t meant for you. Live it out and wish for a better reincarnation.

How do I let go of feeling anxiety for the future? I imagine GFW giving his attention to another girl. Which, I don’t have a lot of feelings for him, but that embarrassment is going to be real..I’m going to need to give myself lots of tulips then..and even so I don’t think I’d feel much better… I have to face the reality that they are going to move on and I should to, no looking back. No need for it. I think of what others would think… how they would sympathize or laugh at me.

  • if they did, so what?
    • people will devalue me
  • If so what?
    • nothing… I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing

What matters most is what you think of you. When this happens, you’ll know how much you’ve grown since the last time you met everyone. You’re afraid he’s going to do something that you were nervous people would judge you for… going with another person. But for him, you don’t think of him as a slut like you think yourself. You think, oh then people will think I wasn’t worth it, or I must feel bad that he didn’t chose me, blah blah.

See…I’m spending too much time on this. I need to stop blabbering about this nonsense and get actual work done.

OK OK

Recap of my rant:

-Tulip for my feelings of jealousy and wanton behavior

-Realized I don’t have to be the bell of the ball

-Realized being yourself is much more fun than trying to be the bell of the ball

-It’s ok to binge, but if I can try to use other preventative strategies and tools, try that first

-Think about plan b to sustain lifestyle if this job is lost

-Don’t look for things to try to hold on to because you are most likely going to find yourself gripping something that’s not real yet you can’t let go. Note the loss and move on. It’s ok to lose. 

-Stop blabbing and really focus on getting work done. Timely

 

Oops I Did it Again

I binged last night. I’m now at 141.5. I normally don’t track this but I want to know to see the full effects of binging.

I’ve settled on something, binging isn’t my problem. It’s my flare gun. It happens when I’m not feeling right and really need a pick me up. It comforts me and holds me when no one else is there to do so. The problem is what makes me want to binge.

What happened yesterday to cause the binging?

I’ve been feeling strange with my relationships, you know, the whole I hate everybody thing. It feels really good not to care in the moment, but yesterday I was overthinking so much. I felt really awkward with Pip. I have ill feelings there but since we live together, I can’t escape it and pretend to be cool. I’m not great a pretending so there’s just a lot of silences. I don’t know what to do there.

I left when she went into my room to chat a little. I got to Zman’s and was feeling down already because of the situation at home. I didn’t have any makeup on – which is fine but that added a little of insecurity. Then when I got the Zman’s, my high school crush Isaac was there. He does live there. Mia was back from Mexico, learning to be a scuba instructor. My head started going on and on about how Mia would be who Isaac wants and my thoughts completely destroyed me. I started acting really awkward and left shortly after I got what I needed.

On the drive home, I just kept thinking, perhaps my dad was in this position when he grew up and decided to really push everyone away till he just had his work to focus on. That scared me more than anything. I don’t want that. Instead, I want people around, it’s just people I connect with. People who are like me. I kept thinking how Isaac, Mia, Pip, WHF, and so many other friends who know who they are (at least I think so) but me, I am so split between different types of friends that I had to change myself for depending who was in the room.

When I got home, Lorence was in the kitchen, I started talking more. Lorence wasn’t very talkative. My head started punching me some more. I got into my dark room, the room I’ve spent so much time in and loneliness washed over me. Is this my life now? I have a kick ass job and I wish I could just enjoy my life and how great it’s set up now.

I think I will get there. But moments like these are what holds me back and realizing it will push me forward. A few pounds for a few growth spurts.

I no longer hate that I binge or think I’m abnormal. I love myself more than ever.

What should have I done yesterday?

  1. When I have these negative thoughts, stop and start paying attention to what’s going on in the moment
  2. Get ready for the day, everyday, either put efforts into your hair or face – not both as that would be caring too much… I just want to look decent enough to feel good
  3. In the moment I felt the craving, I should have notice that growing pain and started writing
  4. Find the balance with relationship – this is going to be ongoing

Something else to wonder is, why do I feel fine now? Where is the hunger pain? That type of craving occurs when I feel this…social panic.

  • I don’t feel this way with work, I’m doing well there.
  • I don’t feel this way with exercise, I’m getting stronger.
  • I don’t feel this way (anymore) with family relation, I am who I am.

I am who I am in all these arenas, so why not think that way when it comes to love and social relations?

  • I feel this way with social relations, they’re talking about me or thinking bad about me
  • I feel this way with love, I’m not loveable

These are my own thoughts – there are some evidence of smack talking but, most likely, it’s blown out of proportion in my head – causing me to hate everyone. I must learn the art of healthy gossip.