This is Important

I can feel myself slipping into a depressive cycle. And I know exactly what the triggers are, so I must write about it.

  1. I am getting annoyed of my roommates, perhaps they are the victims of my PMS feels or perhaps I have a right to feel the way I feel. I became annoyed when Kristina didn’t follow through with her statement that she will follow up with our landlord about our missing checks. The day came around and she didn’t want to be the person to send it. I don’t know what lays in her way in her head, but I was annoyed because it was something that 1. she said she’d do, and 2. it needs to be done. So I went ahead and sent the text. I ended up driving the checks to John, about my 3rd or 4th time doing it. The other two roommates don’t take any responsibilities for bills at all. Which is fine, I guess. Or maybe it’s unfair to Kristina and I. I don’t know.
  2. Angie invited us three to dinner but she texted my old phone. I was already out with Erin when Karen called asking if I was coming. Ok, I’m being ridiculous here. i think my irritation built from the irresponsible nature of the Moores and I am blaming them here. I was thinking, they could have brought it up the two days prior. But, I had already made plans with Erin last week for this week so it wouldn’t matter. It’s the principle of it. But it’s also a weird principle. I shouldn’t be feeling this way here. I think I’m just sensitive to the missing out of occasions so it got me. I was being sour to Kristina.
  3. I had a long conversation with Erin, diving deep. Then I had a conversation with Chris, this guy at the dog park. I was more assertive than normal. As in, I interrupted him some to talk. I had to though! He talked so much and I wasn’t going to just listen like I normally do. After these deep talks, though, I felt really vulnerable. Did I say too much? Or the wrong things? Was I trying to be someone I am not? I don’t know.
  4. It’s Friday.. I hate weekends. I’ve always hated them because it highlighted the fact that I am insecure about my social life. It won’t always be like this though. I’ll create a life where I look forward to my weekends.

So yeah, these thoughts and happenings are what causing me to feel that little flame of anxiety. I feel like the only solutions to my dilemma with my roommate is to either, 1. deal with it and live with the anxiety. Hope that I’ll grow out of it, or 2. Get my own place…

I might do the latter… I’m nervous because that’s ‘facing the darkness’ in the bravest way. I worry I will miss out on the Moores and Jakes adventures, but honestly, I’ve kept myself from enjoying these adventures because of the ‘click’ disconnect anyways. So I really wouldn’t be missing out on much. Even, I may enjoy it more if I actually reach out and seek that experience rather than feeling a mere convenient inclusion.

In 15 minutes I have a call with David – head of the content department to go over my goals. I am in both creative and content. I want to make sure I have a heavy hand in creative because I really enjoy learning and using photoshop and stretching my creative brain. I must make that clear to him, that I must maintain time for creative. It might be difficult to find a balance for me at the beginning, but if I make that clear to him, then my workload should be balanced.

After the call, I am going to the gym, then to Starbucks to work. I may see Victor, I hope I do. I feel terrible because I stopped going all of a sudden and I wonder what he thinks. I hope he doesn’t take it personal. I shouldn’t worry about that because, I know I only worry because I would feel that way if I were in his shoes. He is not like me, he’s not as affected by things like this. So he’s probably just doing his own thing.

This weekend, I’m going to work really hard against falling into the cycle mill. I know I have feelings, and it’s ok that I have these feelings. I just have to work through them, face them. I am human, I am not a bad person for feeling irritated, annoyed, or sensitive.

Vien, I love you, don’t you ever ever ever give up on yourself. Even when you feel the sky is becoming dark, you know, your eyes always adjust until the sun creeps up ever so slowly again. Just as you can’t control nightfall, you can’t control the sunlight that is determined to creep through your blinds either.

 

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Day 10 ~ Emotional Rollercoaster & Really Random Mind Dump

Today has been a day out of days I might remember. Hopefully, when I do reminisce, it’ll be with contentment in my heart instead of the ache that actually existed the entire day.

It started out on the wrong foot already. I was still in my green, long-sleeved button up shirt and jeans when I woke up at 6:30 am. Makeup still smeared on my face and teeth still carrying the bacteria from the nights devourment. I got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I still took myself to the gym.**

The night before Leighann and I went to the Riot Room to watch her neighbor, Mike, play a show with his band. Of course, my mind was on Billy the entire time, wondering if he’d slip in here as it seemed to be his (old) crowd. I caved and talked about him for a little bit. I brought up his new flame on his Facebook, really hoping she’d pull it out so I would get an update. She did as predicted and my next 30 hours suffered for it.

I got more than an update. I got 4 shots and a too drunk state to drive home. He was at some sort of dance with this woman, his arms wrapped around her itsy bitsy waist. I can’t get over how adorable she is. In doing so, I imagine the attraction and efforts he must be putting towards her*. I wonder why I do this to myself, but, I truly felt like I had to see it. I have no idea of their relationship but I make up for it with my imagination.

Today I felt like I had no right to be sad like others who just got out of a relationship. My situation is so different, as with every situation I guess. I’m just angry that I’ve been so insecure to let this go on for as long as it has – 10 YEARS. I can’t use this as an excuse for subpar performance either. “So you decided to hit your ex back up, ended up getting hurt, and now you’re feeling like you just broke up again?” It’s embarrassing to me because I also have to admit how one sided this has been all along, and how blind I was to it all. I was so addicted to the feeling of being loved and getting attention that I ignored all the evidence that told me that this was just a bandaid for the emptiness inside me. He was just a bandaid. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.

I can’t explain this to anyone enough for them to understand the immense amount of pain I feel as a result of depression and social anxiety. This is a double edge sword because, the best way to get over something like this is through  talking… but this that you are dealing with typically don’t get talked about or if it does, you have to seek it. Which depressed and anxious people don’t want to do.

Long story short, I’m still in a state of melancholy over him. I hate that it feels good to ruminate about it. Feeling sad can be addicting – it’s as if my mind has started using him as a self defense against actual productivity and pursuit/realization of my dreams. Fear stops me, memories of him allows me to stay the victim. It allows me to say, it’s okay that I didn’t perform my best today because I’m heartbroken.

Weeks-block-YOU.png

When I write about the realities of our unhealthy relationship, the tiger in me comes out. I can become someone fueled by feelings of being wronged. I’m motivated to be focused and driven… until I start thinking of how silly and futile “being wronged” is. I was not wronged because of how someone else chooses to live their life. I am not a victim of their actions. I am a victim of my own patterns & habits. See that chart up there? That’s my whole life…all the time I have to do what I want to do. I cannot say with commitment, “I don’t need a man in my life because there’s too much to do!” That statement isn’t even valid. The statement implies: If you have work that needs to be done, you don’t need a man in your life. I believe the opposite, and perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to let go. I believe the right person in your life will help you achieve more than you would on your own. But, one will never ever know the truth of this without a parallel universe.

Billy and I were not that for each other whatsoever. I will admit this. We hindered each other’s growth. I am a hinderance to myself even of growth. The universe’s solution to that was to keep us apart. Perhaps bring us different people that would encourage growth in us. Sometimes, that might just be your reflection. And that’s ok. Perhaps that’s what is most painful about this whole process. Realizing that he, without you, is for the better. And you without him, right now, is for the worse. But there is no time stamp for ‘getting better’, it’s not a race. Realizations happen at different times for everyone. It doesn’t make it less impactful or amazing because it comes later.

Living in constant rumination is addicting because it allows us to be sub par to our ideal self by enabling us to place the blame of not feeling whole onto someone or something else. If you are not whole, go find something you think might fix it. Keep looking until you realize, that hole is no longer there. My deattachement to food went as such. There were binge nights where nothing you did could stop me from binging. Nothing. Just like now, can stop my desire for Billy.

How did I deattach myself to food? Because I had to. There was no way I could be who I wanted to be if food was always going to be the enemy. With Billy – it’s even more hard because I think I can’t be who I want to be without him… his validation provides me a path. Without his validation I don’t know what path to take.

Therein lies a big issue.

 

Gem Conversation today was with Vic (site he made). I met him at Starbucks. This gentleman had my hear for a few hours. I sacrificed getting work done for any treasure I could find in his wisdom.

  • kids these days are too afraid of management, they don’t want to put in the hard work
  • be mindful of speaking another language around others?
    • not sure if I will, I believe you can speak whatever you want when you want… freedom of speech!
  • if you know you need to do it – THEN DO IT.
  • dig deeper into subjects, I stop at the shell – he called me out for this
  • reading people, who wants to talk, who doesn’t
  • personal appearance – efforts in how you come off to people because people look
  • carry my eagerness to learn throughout my entire life

I don’t want to lose in life. I want to win. Winners prep for the next day, complain less & do more, and they dig beneath the surface of things.

I think in my digging into my emotions, it’s a way of being a winner. I just hope these realizations prove itself fruitful and I’ll be walking around town with contentment in my heart after this big life lesson is over.

I just remember back in May when I put my life on a different path, I said I wanted to face the darkness. I was ready for it.

The darkness thus far has been an extremely eye opening, self defeating at times, and humbling experience. What is coming to light is my past heart ache and current heartbreak, disillusionment of that relationship and parental relationships. I’m still scared of course in the dark, because who knows, I might be a manic at the end of this and all my writing will be taken as proof for that rather than a jumble of possible enlightening resource.

I guess facing the darkness sometimes means doing things even though you don’t feel like it whether it’s because you don’t fancy it or it doesn’t fancy you. It means doing what’s needed even though an ache lives, seemingly permanently, in your heart. The darkest of nights carry the brightest of stars, these lessons I’m learning are those stars. I just hope out of darkness comes light. It’s in me somewhere… I just have to awaken it.

OMG

I just felt a huge pang of emotion… and following that are thoughts and feelings and reflections of my past wanton actions… and now I’m questioning my worth…

But I don’t feel like binging, I feel like figuring out why I feel this way and how to correct it.

Ok – the company hired new people, girls. I immediately felt, I wish there was another word for it, jealous. I was already thinking they were prettier, or just better all around. On the company trip, I felt like the new girl. This made me realize, I’m no longer the new girl. And that’s ok.

There will always be more prettier, nicer, smarter, more skilled, more dignified, and charming girls. I am completely far away from that. I feel ashamed now, because I realized, on the company trip, I was so big headed. I thought I was the bell of the ball with my red turtleneck and close fitted dress. In the moment, I felt like I had to show off, to be that girl, to get attention. But now, in retrospect, as I imagine a new set of girls coming in, all much more of what I’ve listed, are now the bell of the ball. And that’s ok, because maybe that’s their thing. I tried it, and it wasn’t my thing. I ended up messing around which resulted in a possible spoiled reputation and a +1 in the rejection scoreboard.

All my life I wanted to shine and to be loved. What I’ve learned is that it takes a lot of work to be that girl – and it has to take someone who is genuine in what it takes to actually be that girl. I’m not that girl. I envy that girl.

Today I truly realize, I’m not that girl. And right now it makes me feel a bit down, especially as I tread through this shameful/guilty feelings thinking of my past actions. I hold onto the past so that I can recreate the feelings of when I was that girl. 

Why do I care to be that girl?

Right now it’s livelihood. I think I have to be that girl to keep my lifestyle – work from home with a flexible schedule. Here’s the thing… this is completely out of anyone’s control. I might lose the job from something unexpected like the CEO was smuggling something something and got caught and the company went under. What I need to do, if this is a legit concern is spend time (when I’m bored and just want to eat) learning something that can create a backup if this job falls through. 

*I want to keep in mind, my lifestyle is what I like right now.  I know it is subject to change as I change with time.

That girl gets the guy. At least that’s what t.v. tells me. I think it’s natural to want to be what guys want so that you end up with someone. It feels good being with someone who understands you, who can make you laugh (vice versa), who is good for you, and doesn’t bore you. Maybe I’m pretty particular. That’s something I’m learning about myself these days. My binging personality does not care if the chicken strip is cold, she will eat it and want more. I like this side of me because it keeps me open minded. But it also leaves me choosing guys that don’t make me feel all those things. My cold self that I am trying to keep alive, the self that is 135 lbs. and smiling is picky. She actually takes time to taste and will put the fork down if she doesn’t like it, but she can come off as an asshole (which I’ve admitted that I am – just need to control it for friendship/family sake), she isn’t flirtation and is more cognisant of who she lets in.

When I exercise, I am more so my binge self. The binge self keeps me going because it’s seen me get up a million times before while my cold self starts feeling overly confident and big headed by thoughts that I let roll on too long. Downfall of having an imagination… I am working on controlling it though.

So I need my binge and cold self to work together. My past motivations were to be the bell of the ball and wanted, it’s no longer that. My current motivation is to be motivated to focus on anything as much as I was at finding love . Well not anything… it has to mean something to me. I already admit that I’m not a saint, I’m a pretty shitty person so I’m not always going to say or do the right things. I’m going to be selfish but I will always try and be honest. I guess exploring meaning is a motivation. Especially what happens as I feel any sort of emotion, such as jealousy from this morning. Why feel jealous? And is that answer reasonable enough to maintain the feeling? Such as I felt jealous because I was kind of slutty and thought I was hot shit on the companies meet up. Ok.. why did you think you were hot shit?

Cold self:

  • I lost a lot of weight
  • I like my reflection
  • I looked good in my outfit
  • Felt like I got a lot of eyes

Ok this is as honest as I can get with my vanity. But then this gets me really insecure:

Binge Self:

  • Still have mushy skin and loose boobs
  • My gap and big nose isn’t perfection
  • I don’t look good all around
  • It’s mainly makeup and efforts on hair
  • Getting eye contact isn’t really that hard

Where is the warm self? The mixture of these two extremes…

What would have the warm self, the self that mentally give itself Tulips as a way to forgive itself when it knows it’s being too unkind, or too conceited, or too assholish, or too much of anything. It forgives itself and reminds itself that:

  1. Refocus on the moment
  2. Every thought that just freaked you out isn’t grounded in reality and has no weight
  3. Other’s thoughts, behaviors, and actions don’t have to affect you, keep doing you
  4. What would you do if you didn’t feel badly?

So my warm self, on the company trip, wouldn’t have worn the red shirt, much too sexy, as well as the dress. Well, no, my warm self can wear those things. But my warm self wouldn’t be surprised when she gets attention and would have turned down the invitation to go to his bedroom knowing that it isn’t a declaration of love but a validation of something you, today, know. You don’t have to settle or give any parts of you that you don’t want to because there will be more. I’m not sure who, but I know there will be more that would be much more of a fun time compared to this person who doesn’t seek monogamous love… from you. As much as that hurts to admit, don’t use their rejection as validation on your negative self talks and just keep doing you. It might be true, it might not, it’s just not worth the bother in figuring out.

You don’t have to prove it, you just are. And someone will notice it. If no one does notice it…then maybe this century wasn’t meant for you. Live it out and wish for a better reincarnation.

How do I let go of feeling anxiety for the future? I imagine GFW giving his attention to another girl. Which, I don’t have a lot of feelings for him, but that embarrassment is going to be real..I’m going to need to give myself lots of tulips then..and even so I don’t think I’d feel much better… I have to face the reality that they are going to move on and I should to, no looking back. No need for it. I think of what others would think… how they would sympathize or laugh at me.

  • if they did, so what?
    • people will devalue me
  • If so what?
    • nothing… I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing

What matters most is what you think of you. When this happens, you’ll know how much you’ve grown since the last time you met everyone. You’re afraid he’s going to do something that you were nervous people would judge you for… going with another person. But for him, you don’t think of him as a slut like you think yourself. You think, oh then people will think I wasn’t worth it, or I must feel bad that he didn’t chose me, blah blah.

See…I’m spending too much time on this. I need to stop blabbering about this nonsense and get actual work done.

OK OK

Recap of my rant:

-Tulip for my feelings of jealousy and wanton behavior

-Realized I don’t have to be the bell of the ball

-Realized being yourself is much more fun than trying to be the bell of the ball

-It’s ok to binge, but if I can try to use other preventative strategies and tools, try that first

-Think about plan b to sustain lifestyle if this job is lost

-Don’t look for things to try to hold on to because you are most likely going to find yourself gripping something that’s not real yet you can’t let go. Note the loss and move on. It’s ok to lose. 

-Stop blabbing and really focus on getting work done. Timely

 

What’s Wrong With Me

I see the ACW has 11/3 – 11/4 off of work… my conclusion is he is coming to KC – as he said he was thinking of doing…but he didn’t tell me so. Which means, he’s not interested.

Self talk time…

I don’t know if that’s what he’s doing or not… if it is what he’s doing and he says nothing and you don’t see him, what will happen?

I’ll feel really silly, and insecure. And desperate. And like I fucked something up.

Do you think all these things of yourself?

I’m insecure, I am actively open to relationship, and I didn’t do anything that was out of character. Who I was then helped me be who I am now…which I don’t know if it says too much but I’m happy.

Not seeing ACW isn’t going to have a big affect on my routine and my life. It hurts a little but it is what it is. When you open yourself up to new things, you hope for the best. But, you also have to prepare for the worst because the best is high expectation.

Blah.

You know, even if he did reach out to me, what does that mean?

I’m not going to sleep with him. The most I’ll do is invite him to dinner at a spot he mentioned while we were in Nola.

Ok.

Girls Like Pip

Get the late night messages from her ex saying he still loves and wants her. Girls like Pip can’t be forgotten. She’s the one that got away. She doesn’t go looking, she’s herself until she is seen.

Girls like me…well, we find other things to do. It gets a little boring, especially at night time. But we don’t have choices. Well, we do, but picking those don’t align with what we want. So, we’ll do what we think we enjoy & maybe that hobby will go somewhere, but maybe it won’t. But at least we’re onto something.

I guess that’s the fun in this oftentimes lonely journey. Remember to embrace this time & you…you’ll find a best friend in it.

Shitty people

I realize on my drive home that in a shitty person trying to unshit my past shits…

I’ve been trying to live this ‘good life’. I do the right things. I show up. I apologize. I battle my asshole self with my Confucius self on a daily basis.

I don’t need to hide it anymore.

Who am I trying to live my life for anyways..

I’ve done some fucked up shit in my life. Because that’s who I am. Its apart of me. I don’t want to ignore its existence.. I am not this intellegent, logical, and wise girl. I’m a little bit of it. But I’m also petty, jealous, and have issues dealing with emotions…

But its all me.

I’m not a wise person.. I’m not creative.. I’m not a good girl or daughter, I’m not a good friend. At my funeral they will say what they want by I am by no means above average.

I strive to aim for average…at the very mos.

But then. I’m also highly contradicting

I get it, I’m sensitive

I wish I wasn’t.

Who I want to be:

  • Calm and collected
  • High ability to stay focused on task at hand
  • Worry about my own things
  • Smart
  • Make rational choices

Things I like that encourages these points:

  • Running
  • Watching science shows
  • Practice skills such as guitar
  • Ability to stop self from diving too deep in thought

Who I don’t want to be:

  • Sensitive to lack of communication on others part
  • Boy/love crazy
  • Catty
  • Someone who is lead by assumptions made of self and others

Things that encourage these unwanted behaviors:

  • Making too quick decisions
  • Thinking too much
  • On my phone too much
  • Stop focusing too much

Ok – back to work i go.

I’ve just been so so so so sensitive this whole weekend. I hate it so much. My eyes are telling me negative things and it tears me down emotionally. I recognize it now though, I try to fight it off and pretend like everything is ok with others. But inside, I’m screaming – “DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?”. I hate this issue.

I must remember to be kind to myself. Kindness and love..the type I want to show others and for others to show me. Kindness and love. Not grudges or cold shoulders. Kindness and love. Not grudges or cold shoulders.

Don’t make things an issue until they are an issue.