Happy New Year!

I spent most of today laying in the living room with the Moores. We went to Grant’s house last night and hung out with his friends, including Amber. That was after driving around the surrounding area for an open McDonalds – in which there were none. But, to our hangry surprise, Burger King was thankfully open.

Once at the party we took our drinks – a few beers and shots – to get the night going. Besides us three, there was another couple, two girlfriends, and Grant and Anne. Jonathan showed up about 45 minutes later…with a gun. Not just any gun. It looked like an automatic rifle. Grant and Anne were understandably not happy about that. I was a bit nervous but I knew nothing was going to happen, but then again, if it were my home I wouldn’t be happy either. At one point, he stood up quickly from a computer chair and it hit the wall where a glass frame holding one of Grant’s favorite artists cracked. He also showed up carrying a big box of Reds – about 15 bottles, already dropping 1 or 2 on the sidewalk on his way up. Needless to say, Jonathan was enjoying himself.

Besides Jonathan’s affects, the night was good overall. We didn’t talk to their friends too much and when we danced once New Year’s struck, we were split into two groups mostly. Us dancing and them talking. I didn’t think anything of it until Kristina brought up the glances and comments they were making about us. Comments of us being ‘young’, and her thinking we were being ratchet.

I have a little thing for Grant, but I am chalking it up to my tendency to fall for every guy I am semi attracted to. On top of that, he’s a runner and he is musical – my aspiration in male form. He has a good woman so nothing is going to happen there, as it shouldn’t even if he were single. At one very awkward point while dancing, he reached out for my hand. I paused, and thought that odd, but maybe that’s how they roll. So I took his hand and did a little spin where then he said, “oh…I meant the remote”.

Awkwardly I smiled it off and pointed to the remote, where I left on the side table. I was frozen on what to say and do. I felt myself being a homewrecker. In reality, it was an honest mistake between friends. We all carried on for about an hour and a half after midnight and said our goodbyes.

About 45 minutes after being home, Kristina had a friend over. She is making moves this New Year’s Eve. I feel at odds with this fellow. My gut tells me he is not good for her, but my heart says I have it wrong.That’s all I’ll say on that matter.

Yesterday I also called my dad and had a conversation with him. He opened up about having another woman that cares for him deeply. Then he backs out and says he was just playing. I wish he would just treat me like an adult and tell me things straight, but he wouldn’t be my immature mature father.

I resent him. I do, in this moment in life. I wish he were a better role model. I wish he were there for me emotionally, I wish he wouldn’t make up white lies to get me to do what he wanted, I wish he were less focused on money and acquisitions, I wish he showed me love in a way that I could understand. I wish he and my mom would make up their minds about their relationships. I wish they would have either separated to find happiness on their own or commit to staying together and working through tensions.

My sensitivity to this is heightened by the fact that both my parents often portray themselves as victims of what I think they have choices in.

I learned my attachment style is anxious/ambivalent yesterday morning. These children grow up to be insecure in relationships. It gave a little reasoning to why I was so fond of Billy and why I struggle with feeling wanted. I’ve formed an unhealthy attachment to my roommates. The loneliness I feel when they leave can be explained by this style. I feel really lonely when they go home to Vandalia. I say unhealthy because, I don’t think they are ‘my people’ as I am a bit anxious around them all. Yet… I feel a sense of abandonment when they leave.

It’s a very confusing and frustrating experience. I am glad I recognize it. I also recognize that I am hyper focused on loneliness – as my dad is as well verbally – and I’m sure his mom was as well. Perhaps I’ll ask him about that next time I see him.

Today I visited him for about 3 hours and then went to see Lily. Holding her brings me peace. I feel a strong sense of wanting to transfer positive energy to her so that she grows up happy and loved. Holding her makes me want to have children. But it also lets me know that I am not ready yet. I am not ready to love my child as much as I want to yet. I don’t want my child to have my sadness, possibly brought on by own my inconsistent love. It’s a cycle that I won’t continue.

It’s something I want to be able to talk about with my partner. I know now that my partner must have a secure attachment style. My tint of the world was dark. It seems suffering is all around, as my mom says. My dad is sad, Sue lost Brett, Mom is in Burma for months, Mo is doing her own thing and not talking to me much, Ashly and Cong have their tensions as they muddle through parenthood. Me, I still believe in the silver lining in everything, even though I have been feeling sad on most of my days.

On my way home, I listened to Freakonomics. I listened to an episode about getting better at your chosen hobby. It’s made me excited for the musical meet up I plan to attend.

Anyways, it’s 1:40 am now, I must get sleep. I am hungry though. I’m not sure if I’ll just go to bed or raid the kitchen. You’ll know tomorrow.

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Random Thoughts Throughout the WorkDay

 

  • things don’t happen for a reason – and it’s your job to figure out that reason to realize why you’re glad it didn’t happen. Or you can let go and move on?
  • Am I doing too much examining instead of moving on? is this just a silly effort to make myself feel better about me and feel like i’m superior to billy just because of this? he’s just living his life while i examine the remnants of what happened. if the end result is me living my life, in the moment, then it was worth it. trial and error… writing is the trial, self examination is a trial. just because i lost weight doesn’t mean what i do and think is right..that’s just a disguise. i have to keep moving and keep examining and questioning myself. i think i will know when my soul has reached the surface of my skin.
  • i shouldn’t beat myself for self examining alot. it’s my way of coping with the pain. just like running and starting songs is for me. it just feels like alot right now because for some reason i have a lot to say, im thinking a little clearer today. maybe this could be a path to something I would like. Mental health has always been a topic of importance and it’s growing – this is my way of having a positive mental health. In hundreds of years time, people are going to think we lived so backwards by undervaluing the importance of mental health.
  • example of positive: i hated lutti. she was hateful towards me. but i realize.. she clung on to billy and wanted from him want her husband didn’t give to her. Billy was between his dad’s infedility, and probably picked up his dad’s lack of communication with his mom, and at the same time had to be consoling towards his mom. I remember him holding her as she broke down. i remember him saying he never wants to do that to another woman. That’s alot for a kid to go through. The irony is, I am in the same boat as Lutti. She and I are more alike that she would ever know. I broken hearted over her son, who treated me the same way her husband treated her. She hated me, instead, in realizing this shared experience, i’m beginning to let go of that anger. at least thats my understanding of it.. i dont know, there’s no such thing as truths when it comes to the human mind and why we do the things we do. we can only guess – and sometimes, if these guesses promote an inner change that points us to what we think is our northstar, then we call it enlightment.
  • I enjoy it though…
  • single – why we need it. over population of women. causes songs, media.. more options to be different definition of women. men have a lot of us to pick from. if you aren’t ready to be picked, you’ll know.?
  • use this time to define us – that is key to lasting relationships. divorce happens when you weren’t ready? i don’t know.. i need to research things i’m not familiar with. divorce, overpoulation, music media influences. etc.
  • we have a need to relate and be connected. we have a need to know we are not alone in  our struggles.
  • find a friend or two in life that are those who we can talk to like we talk to ourselves. who muse in our musings, entertain our curiosity, and are responsive.
  • it still hurts. my soul loved him, our souls touched for a point in time. the place he touched is still throbbing with pain. the honest embarrsing truth is i dont want him to be happy because i’m not happy. selfish right? is that even love at all?
  •  it’ll take time to heal. no matter how much positivity i can think up, it will hurt and time is a patient beast when it’s working for you. Time demands that you follow through with your resolves before you can be tested again. right now, the answer is still yes to him. Time, though, will shape my lips to a smiling no.
  • dont be sad when friends let you down or don’t meet your expectations. don’t have any expectations for them, thats what unconditional friendship means. just be grounded in yourself even though they’re not responsive the way you want. you must not take it personal or undervalue your attributions to the friendship. you have no idea what they’re doing or going through, everyone is  dealing with their own personal struggle, don’t add on to it by being sensitive and causing more stress on them. find things to do if you’re bored and  maybe in doing so, you can find new friends that, instead of meeting an expectation, opens your eyes to different possibilities.
  • when we were young and i asked myself if i saw him as my husband for life, i thought no. in retrospection, and this is fragile becuase it’s based on memory with addages of my gettig older, the young vien knew all along and was wise beyond her years in this realization. she just didn’t trust herself..but maybe it was needed for this moment in time to happen. All this writing and pouring of my heart. He is the topic of my days but my growth is what I am seeking. I realize now, he didn’t make me feel the way i wanted to feel. he emulated what i already was feeling at home, glimmers of happiness but more often sad over him. right now, the way i feel in my heart for him would still be felt whether i’m with him or without him.. let that digest.. with him, i would still feel this pain. the young vien wanted more from love and life. she tried to leave him a few weeks into dating, but he convinced her to stay. and she latched on ever since then.
  • Sherlock, in looking through a women’s phone, talking to lab assistant:
    • is that your girlfriends?
    • you think it’s my gfs because i’m looing thru her phone?
    • we all do strange things
    • unhealthy relationship insight from Sherlock
  • I want to be irene adler. sherlock is effing hot, and she’s got him in cahoots. and that’s because she smart, focused, and confident.
  • my struggle – consistency. effected by ebb and flow of confidence
    • remember that you once ‘hated everyone’. that’s because of your expectation of them. you enjoyed this period bc you felt unaffected by your perception of others treatmeant towards you. but it wasn’t sustainable. you don’t hate everyone, you need people. from that, though, you must remember the lesson that other’s actions don’t have to affect you
  • an idea can destroy an entire civilization…
    • all my progress, i stumbled on obsession with writing to see if others write as much as i do in a day.. i ran into hypergraphia. now i’m questioning every positive thought I’ve had and connections i’ve made. i’m back down to be inferior to everyone.. at a loss without billy.. i’m weird, this ‘improvement and weight loss’ was just a mental disorder actualizing…
      • disorder can lead to victimhood
      • self control is cure
      • the reason i shouldn’t let these manic thoughts trigger my downfall. look at this article. i feel better about it because i t talks about the disorder in a positive way: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200705/quirky-minds-hypergraphia-river-words
      • my opinion is so easily swayed.. this is an issue here… i freaked out and a simple article of someone elses opinion made me feel better
  • group setting anxiety – i must be in the moment to report back in writing
  • i think writing took over my addiction to food…
  • am i merely inventing all this up to avoid feeling like i really did fuck up and am worthless…
  • im currently internally freaking out – correc those thoughts. talk yourself out of it.
    • importance of getting out of the house and being on a sport or team
    • writing alot is great because you love it, but you must get out and get fresh ideas in the mix. you can’t isolate yourself or else you’ll go mad
  • insecur

Day 6 ~ Up & Down

I’ve taken myself to the gym between 5:30-7am everyday this week. I see a lot of progress with my body, but there is much left to do and there is much left to accept. I’ve returned a full length mirror to my room. I dance in front of it when I want, and look at myself naked when I want.

Better Man was on replay for about 70% of my exercises. I don’t know how I feel right now, in my room, watching Cosmos, but here are some thoughts I jotted down during my exercises:

  • Radio silence was a huge problem when we dated. It seems he hasn’t changed. Is that what you want?
  • He is intertwined with the past you, where your parents attention was sparse.
  • Changing of song meaning. Better man..now is inspiration. This woman knows her worth. It hurts but she’s cutting her losses and moving on. Losses will soon be gains of a well examined life. I think Billy valued this in me and he learned from me in this arena. I’ll allow myself to believe that at the very least.
  • He too might be repeating a pattern. His dad’s extramarital affairs and his mom’s extreme attachment to him. He pigeon holed me to play his mom’s part. I was a comfortable repeat. I didn’t have to be but was because we were a mix of underdeveloped chemicals. I see a little clearer today. I miss him but I wouldn’t have been able to develop the way that I am with him. He couldn’t with me, as painful as that truth is.
  • It hurts to think, “perhaps he’s already there with someone else.” My imagination shows me that he is enlightened and has a wonderfully bright life ahead of him, one without me. Why do I “imagine” that for him? Is it really my own insecurities and fear of really stepping towards my own wonderfully bright life ahead of me, without them?
  • In letting go of what I understood as love, and being open to the big mystery,  my electron will find me. I’ll do things I would want to do as if we’ve already found each other. I don’t want to waste it on the couch or in tv, I want to be out.
  • You know it’s love when you didn’t even have to try. Like protons and electrons, their attraction towards each other is inevitable the closer they get.
  • My mom stayed unhappy…her glimmer of happiness was mine. So now I’m use to only glimmers. No. I’m not agreeing with that. I would have left my dad in her shoes.
  • Mom only had dad for emotional support all these years… That explains so much
  • Don’t judge yourself for anything other than your pursuit of passion. That may be the only thing you will be known for that you have a shot at being good at.
  • If I learned a single thing from this, it is that we all have the ability to create friendships when we are born. It is the environment that molds you into which category you belong to. You can reject it if it makes you unhappy. It will take a lot of time, possible tears, and heartbreaks but know that re-molding of deeply ingrained beliefs can be an excruciating process.
  • Your body is a vessel for your soul. You get weaker as you age because the energy is spent growing. Your soul’s age stays the same, you just become wiser. Live your life for your soul and be prepared to leave your body when the time comes. I don’t believe that this is it.
  • I love my mom. Women must stick together for emotional support. Men…well the ones I’ve chosen have sucked at that. My girlfriends though, I think I did well there. I just need more time to grow and become a better friend to myself and to others. Billy included. The day I forgive him will be the day I fully understanding why he was in my life and why letting him go was right. Just like leaving 40Digits. I’m doing what’s needed to actualize, guilt free.
  • Writing to me is like talking to my best friend, I’m obsessed with it! There’s so much to learn about yourself and others, that only writing can teach. I have a lot of emotional knots to smooth out and I don’t want to burden others with my underdeveloped thoughts. I want friendship but now I know to control my need for opening up and getting validation. Instead I’ll live in the moment and respect my friends. I’ll create myself the environment I want when I’m ready to be open. I’m making my bed.
  • I think billy may be wiser and it crushes me. I’m in love with his potential still. And his new girl I’m using as a reflection of what I missed out on. I think this is dangerous thinking and needs to be explored.
    • Billy is wiser, why does that affect me?
      • I’m missing out on happy & enlightened moments with him
      • I have these enlightened moments that I want to share with him
      • He’s just so attractive now
      • We connected on a soul level.. I’m afraid I won’t find the same connection again
    • I’m in love with his potential still
      • I was in love with who I wanted him to be then, and I’m in love with who I’ve convinced myself he is now
      • I’m ‘missing out’ on this potential
    • His new girl
      • This is such a sore of a topic. I absolutely hate thinking about other girls with him and what they could possibly mean to him.
      • My imagination of who she is is a reflection of who I want to be. Not because she has him, but because she got him. One way street. I truly don’t think, if I respected and valued myself as much, I would not respond to his stimulation. He fulfills the lack of attention I was getting – if I pay attention to myself, he’ll have nothing of value to me
    • Affirmative Thoughts
      • I am more enlightened than I ever have been in my life, and I am also as single as I have been in all my life. Is this merely a coincidence? His validation of my ideas hasn’t worked before… when I turn to him with my ideas, I expect him to respond a certain way based on who I imagined him to be and when he didn’t, I was put off. Which was immature on my part.
      • I have these enlightened moments because of his treatment towards me. It exposes in me, what I am missing. Because of that, I am driven to digest my emotions and adapt for the better
      • We did connect, so well, but I have to believe that he’s not the only person I’ll have this connection with. We connected on our woes growing up, and that’s probably reason enough to let go. He isn’t my electron, he’s another proton and that’s why our universes aren’t meant to be together
      • He is very attractive, but he’s not perfect at all.
      • His potential is who I envision myself being with when I’m older. His potential is described under “Starbucks Lover”. I have to realize that he’s not my idea of what his potential is. Every single one of us has potential within us, it doesn’t make Billy special that his is being actualized. Mine is as well, he’s not getting anything from the universe that I’m not.
      • I don’t know how to affirm myself when it comes to other women in his life… I still feel shitty when I think of this. But, my feelings about it is so ingrained in me, way before he and I got together. It ties with the topic of developing friendship skills – friend not foe.

Starbucks Lover

  • He was very very handsome and very married and far ahead in the universe. But, I imagined being the girl he loves and what she might look like and be driven by. I want a beautiful love like what I imagined he had, inside and out. Again, these are fantasies…
  • (Potential) I guess, right now, it’s my way of motivating myself to become better. I want a healthy love. I want my love to understand my upbringing, how I think and why I think it, and I want my love to respect me and be compassionate towards me. As I will be towards him. I didn’t get this from Billy.
  • And then I realize, above is way too much expectation for anyone. There isn’t enough time in the world to have that kind of understanding to be an expectation. Focus on yourself, he’ll focus on himself, and together, we’ll charge up our atom.

Fears:

I am afraid of not reaching my potential before I die. This fear is in part due to not realizing what my potential even is. How do you quantify that? I guess you can first look at what a fulfilling life looks like for you. It varies from people to people and it takes time to discover. People always say life isn’t a race. It sure feels like it sometimes, given the small amount of time we have here to “be all we can be” and live up to the “YOLO” movement. My whole life has been a directionless search for people and things that could make me happy. It’s not a surprise that this activity didn’t have the results I wanted, but in analyzing why what I was doing wasn’t working, I was able to clear the obstructing things in my view to clearly see my North Star and the road it’ll take to get there. 

I am afraid, that in blue is just my manic talking. How will I ever reach my North Star if I don’t have enough endurance to stay the course? That’s something that will be my life’s challenge. If I don’t become someone notable, at the very least, I hope to have built a life that would allow me to die happy – because that would mean all my pain and revelations meant something. And, that means I can pass on all that my soul has learned on Earth to my son and or daughter. And perhaps she can carry on my memory and realize her potential. In a way, that is time travel. You live within your offspring by the DNA you’ve passed on as well as how you raise them, we already achieved immortality if we choose to believe this. If I never meet my electron, then I hope to still have a fulfilling life. My impact will be those I reach with my writing, and maybe music, as well as my nieces and nephews. I’ll live on that way.

Day 2

I went to the gym this morning. Yesterday, I weighed myself to be 136.2. That’s the lightest I have been since I can remember. I’m not stopping though, there’s no reason to. To live a purposeful life, I must be the best version of me possible. The best version of me is a fit and confident me. There are things I want to do with my life, some I know and some I haven’t explored yet.

Today I will work from home out of laziness and comfort. Even though the silence feels lonely at times. Perhaps in the future, when I’m in a better place, I will ask the 40Digits crew to lunch. I’ll have actual things to talk about, my exploration in my hobbies and such.

On the way home, traffic lasted for an hour which was not normal, I think it was an accident. I had a few moving thoughts:

  1. Billy: If Billy is with me out of comfort, he’s not going to be happy. He being unhappy will lead to my unhappiness. His unhappiness if he’s without me would make me even more focused on healing him. The only way for me to be happy, is for him to be happy with someone else. He is happy, I am not unhappy. I just haven’t found my happiness yet, but this state is a better state than if he were with me unhappily. Right now it sucks, and my heart literally aches. But I know I am better for it, even though the positives aren’t always in my face and visible.
  2. Food: If I am dedicated to solving problems either with work, hobbies, or other things and I don’t get stopped by a hurdle than I won’t run to food for comfort and procrastination. I left the gym early so I can buy myself more time to knock out work and some tasks on the website. I use to prolong gym trips, and do this and that before tackling work as a way to procrastinate. Not anymore. I’m going to take care of myself as much as I need to then tackle work.

I had another but I can’t remember.

Day 1 and start of day 2 of getting over him:

I’ve cried off and on, even though I said I wouldn’t cry for him anymore. I don’t feel bad, though, I’m going to cry if I want to. Of course my mind jumps from images of him groveling for my love to images of her on his lap and his heart feeling alive again. It hurts thinking of someone else bringing him happiness. But that’s why I’ve constructed thought 1 from above to help with that feeling.

I need to block his number and remove him from my snap chat. I go back and forth because:

  1. I said I’d always be a friend
  2. I want to keep the channels open
  3. I want him to eventually reach out to me and see me happy

All these points are self serving and only setting myself up for even more pain. The reality is:

  1. We are exes, we got together and played the part we needed to to move ahead. I boosted his confidence by openly wanting him, now he’s living out the life he wants. He broke my heart and motivated me to live the life I want, that’s worth living, if 2nd to a life with him. My goal is to make it a life I’d pick over a life with him. He’s not a friend to me, he’s an ex, an ex that I still love deeply and am mourning after. He will never be a friend. If he is in a dire situation, he’ll know how to reach me by using his brain and some problem solving.
  2. Keeping the channel open is pretty much saying I am waiting for him to get tired of his current life and realize that he’s not happy without me in it. Next point.
  3. He’s not going to do this.

The pro points:

  1. I can freely post on snapchat
  2. Eventually, I’ll get back on facebook and delete him too.
  3. I will grow to not expect a text from him since his number is blocked – even though right now I’m thinking I’ll wait for a weird text and it’ll be him. Wishful thinking again.

I’ll forgive myself if I block and unblock him, I am ever changing and my decisions will vary from moment to moment.

Ok. On to starting the day.

Hello Friday

My black friday purchases:

  • wireless keyboard
  • laptop boost up thing
  • Amazing Grace (Philosophy brand) fragrance spray
  • Oscillating space heater

I also scored some parental givings:

  • Dad found an unused monitor, so I have dual monitor set up
  • Parents gave me an unused roller (I just found the pleasure in self compression massages with those things)
  • Scale, so I can return roommates

So now I have a better work station including two screens & a wireless keyboard. It will boost my productivity since working won’t be as inefficient.

What I did today:

I reddit & played guitar for a solid hour at least. I was learning “Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen. I then took my dogs to the dog park to get their energy out. That was important because I knew I would be away from home for at least 8 hours.

When I got home, no one answered the doorbell so I went over to my brother’s unannounced. It was pretty quite there as well, aside from 2 family members on my brother’s girlfriend’s side. I chatted with them for a bit. I did better in focusing on the conversation flow but I found myself repeating what I thought may have come off the wrong way over in my head, over the speakers talk. I lost some points in doing so as I lost the conversation flow. I’ll try to do better next time. I still think I did a ton better.

My sister and mom finally got in touch with me. I was to go up to Macy’s to pick them up. Before doing that, I went back home to my parents to eat lunch. I had a vietnamese sour salad (the best I can describe it). It’s pretty healthy and fresh. I also put in two pork pieces as well. Not too much though, because I’m on the uphill battle of weight regain.

I have been eating a lot and have been regaining my weight again.I binged when I got back home from visiting my family last night… on top of the nights before that. I am now back to a little over 143.

Breaking 143 was such a milestone. Even though it was an achievement, I was really insecure about my saggy skin and too rapid weight loss. So all the binging, I’ve been excusing for a “needed” weight regain. Of course, the plan is to again lose that weight, but in a more balanced and healthy way. When I lost a lot of weight, I was only eating one meal a day. It wasn’t unhealthy because I ate only when I was hungry – which really wasn’t often. That on top of the running, the weight just melted. But eventually I felt gangly.

Losing weight is such a mental battle. Even more than a physical battle. My notable yo-yo weight is the evidence of this mental battle. I wonder, am I too scared to go too deep on even losing weight? Like, I’m scared of what’s underneath, or what’s it going to look like at the finish line. Also, how will I change as a person?

These are things to consider with pursuing weight goals.

I derailed on what I did today… but I did do A LOT of thinking about that – as always. After lunch, I drove up to meet my mom and sister and did the shopping. After that we went home and we ate, and I kept eating. I stopped myself from going to the extreme though. I got defensive, though, when my mom tried to stop me from eating chicken skin. I took it personal. The way my family communicates is pretty different, I think. But all family’s communicate differently. My family is very, quick to correct and often guilt inducing. Now, I let them have this effect. I could let it just roll of my back as I intend to learn to do. To achieve that, I have to let go of the obsession with proving myself and not be attention whoring. Attention whoring because sometimes, it’s not you that are causing what you’re freaking out about. It’s not always about you – so don’t take things personal.

After lunch and probably too much mental living, we went over to see my brother’s baby. Our little family is growing, am I fated to be the ‘why is she still single’ aunt?

I don’t know, I feel like I’m fated for something cool. If only I could get my act together. Sometimes, I think getting my act together is just a list of to do’s that I’ve made for myself as a way to stack on top of the main item – pursuit what makes me feel actualized. Like I can’t do anything unless the house and room is clean.

*side note – the irony in finding your passion is that it is almost always right under your nose. You just have to solve it like sherlock solving a impossible puzzle.

I am now home, I’ve set up my cool desk set up and heater. Which means empty boxes and bags are sprawled on my bed, on top of the mess that is the cotton on the floor (that my dog pulled out of a stuff animal), and just knit knacks around. The living is a mess and the kitchen is a mess. I think I just hit my ceiling for mess. Also, I have to prepare the house in case there are guests. It is, though, already 10:32 p.m. and I’m quite tired. If I had my way, the house would be clean and I would be in bed starting an episode of Scandal. To combat the munchies, I would make some tea and do crunches.

Now if I started cleaning now, it would take me an hour and a half. Which puts me at midnight. This would be way too late on a typical night but since it’s friday I could push it a little. Tomorrow I plan to work out, hoping to put myself back into the head space where an authentic desire to eat only when hungry by tomorrow as well, I’ll go home and do the family thing. I may invite whomever over tomorrow. The house would be clean then, so I’ll feel better.

I’m just thinking too much into what they’ll think of me though. LIke, is it weird that my room is this way, or that I work in my room? Or that I don’t go out often? Or don’t have tons of friends? I’m afraid people will think me weird. Like, I need approval from people to continue to do what I’m doing because if they approve, it means they do it too, which means I’m normal and do have a shot at love.

The truth is, I don’t have to be home right now. I can hang out with whomever, I could be home with family, I could call my booty call and find validation from him for the night… I don’t have to be alone, but I choose to because, I can be me while learning what I like and don’t like. Start living my own life. Right now it feels lonely and I hope I don’t get defensive when someone teases me or worries about my social skills dying, but recently I feel like I’m creating a cocoon. I love my room and my pets, one day, someone will take up this space too. And on another day, my parents will be able to hold their youngest child’s baby. But until that day, I have the single task of just growing and developing towards my North Star, love myself and others a little bit more (in reasonable manners), & stay organized.

 

Confessions & Daily Digest

Confessions.

These moments where I really get down about myself in thinking of you still exists. Its really sinking in. I attach your rejection as a score on my looks. Each time I look in the mirror, I understand why a little more and more. I’m losing weight, and I don’t feel beautiful. At least, I’m not the beautiful I thought I was. The kind of beautiful that I think would have made you come back. I’m a different kind of beautiful. My nose is wide and it accentuates my gap chipped teeth…but my smile is beautiful. My body is ‘almost there’ and the rest was up to heredity.

Nights like tonight I miss you. But, if I were to be honest with myself, I’d still miss you if you were here. You’d be watching tv in my room as I cook dinner or late in coming over. You’d be too tired to please me in bed but too energized to let me just lay as well. That’s how it was with you. And I always wished you were different, more interested and engaging in my day and what I was doing. But, I knew I loved you because I didn’t mind giving to you. You made me laugh with your offensive humor, it reminded me of childhood in the ghetto. And you made me feel beautiful in the way you wanted me. And now you don’t, so its hard to feel beautiful and worth it on most days.

I’m not happy with or without you.

Will I ever meet anyone who makes me feel like you do, where I make them feel the exact same way? That’s the only way I will be able to override thoughts of you.

Or…even better…maybe I can get to a point where I don’t want you anymore? You are just as much of an addiction as my attachment to filling my tummy. I’m working on shedding that attachment right now. It’s hard because I need food.

I won’t have the excess weight on my body and face to blame for my unattractiveness. What you’re getting is me in the bare. Next on the chopping block is you and it should be easy because I don’t need you. But it’s not easy. Most nights I want to text you to come over but I know I’ll only hurt all over again when you leave in the morning and say nothing until the next time I can’t help myself.

I think about you every single day. Still.

Daily Digest.

I worked this morning to where I don’t have a strict deadline tomorrow. I plan to work on the music website. I just haven’t been encouraged to really knock that out. I’m blocking myself, I know it. I just need to focus.

After work, my friend who sells Mary K came over to give me samples. I want to treat my facial skin better and help it look more the way I want it to. So I’ll try that for a week or two. Afterwards, she did my makeup for a “selfie challenge”. At first I thought I looked terrible, but after different angles, I really liked how it turned out. I then went to the gym and spinned with Charlotte for thirty minutes.

After she left, I went into the pool but left 10 minutes later because the guy next to me was causing too many ripples. I kept swallowing water. It was no longer enjoyable so I left and went into the sauna for maybe thirty minutes. Once I was done with the gym, I went grocery shopping. I purchased more fruits and whole grains. For dinner I made indian curry and spaghetti squash. My roommate complimented me on it, it did turn out very good.

I’m trying not to go back into the cupboards. The kitchen and binging is almost like a sore in my heart. It’s a habit hard to break. In the day, I think of the night with comfort of good food I know I can’t control myself from eating. But in realizing that, I am encouraged to break the habit. I 100% cannot be happy in a relationship until that habit is lessened.

This is because every single thing is connected to each other and any little movement has an effect on the whole.That’s how the world works. I want to positively affect my life satisfaction by reducing a negative habit. But, I need another bad habit to pick up in place of it – as that’s how the world works. I’m not a saint and cannot live a straight life. I just have to pick and choose what I want to allow to affect me.

I’ve been thinking about the next work trip as well. I am considering not going and making an excuse as to why I must skip. I don’t want to see ACW and be embarrassed head on. I don’t want to have the conversation of not wanting to take anyone should I go. I don’t want to fade into the background as I will be much more low key this time around. Also, this trip is in Vegas. It won’t be anything more than booze, gambling, pools, and dance clubs – which sounds amazing… but right now, I feel to vulnerable.

I don’t want meaningless sex.

For the rest of the night…

Outside I go for another toke…inside I’ll be back to prep my face for bed. I’ll strum a little bit of guitar. And I’ll think of him. Tomorrow I’ll write for Wednesday’s campaigns – then I’ll really work on the music site. I’ll exercise and make my body feel alive and feed it with foods that will nourish me. And I’ll think of him.Tuesday I will wake and write for Thursday & Friday campaigns, I’ll workout and play guitar. And I’ll think of him. Wednesday I’ll wake and write for Saturday campaigns, I’ll design a couple templates, and I’ll think of him. Thursday I’ll write for Sunday, Friday I’ll write for Monday.

For the rest of my life…

I’ll work out and eat healthy. I’ll gain weight and lose it. I’ll take my dogs to the dog park for hundreds of more times. I’ll battle my thoughts and feel awkward around people until my youth escapes me. I’ll imagine myself with any cute guy I see. And, I’ll think of him.

 

OMG

I just felt a huge pang of emotion… and following that are thoughts and feelings and reflections of my past wanton actions… and now I’m questioning my worth…

But I don’t feel like binging, I feel like figuring out why I feel this way and how to correct it.

Ok – the company hired new people, girls. I immediately felt, I wish there was another word for it, jealous. I was already thinking they were prettier, or just better all around. On the company trip, I felt like the new girl. This made me realize, I’m no longer the new girl. And that’s ok.

There will always be more prettier, nicer, smarter, more skilled, more dignified, and charming girls. I am completely far away from that. I feel ashamed now, because I realized, on the company trip, I was so big headed. I thought I was the bell of the ball with my red turtleneck and close fitted dress. In the moment, I felt like I had to show off, to be that girl, to get attention. But now, in retrospect, as I imagine a new set of girls coming in, all much more of what I’ve listed, are now the bell of the ball. And that’s ok, because maybe that’s their thing. I tried it, and it wasn’t my thing. I ended up messing around which resulted in a possible spoiled reputation and a +1 in the rejection scoreboard.

All my life I wanted to shine and to be loved. What I’ve learned is that it takes a lot of work to be that girl – and it has to take someone who is genuine in what it takes to actually be that girl. I’m not that girl. I envy that girl.

Today I truly realize, I’m not that girl. And right now it makes me feel a bit down, especially as I tread through this shameful/guilty feelings thinking of my past actions. I hold onto the past so that I can recreate the feelings of when I was that girl. 

Why do I care to be that girl?

Right now it’s livelihood. I think I have to be that girl to keep my lifestyle – work from home with a flexible schedule. Here’s the thing… this is completely out of anyone’s control. I might lose the job from something unexpected like the CEO was smuggling something something and got caught and the company went under. What I need to do, if this is a legit concern is spend time (when I’m bored and just want to eat) learning something that can create a backup if this job falls through. 

*I want to keep in mind, my lifestyle is what I like right now.  I know it is subject to change as I change with time.

That girl gets the guy. At least that’s what t.v. tells me. I think it’s natural to want to be what guys want so that you end up with someone. It feels good being with someone who understands you, who can make you laugh (vice versa), who is good for you, and doesn’t bore you. Maybe I’m pretty particular. That’s something I’m learning about myself these days. My binging personality does not care if the chicken strip is cold, she will eat it and want more. I like this side of me because it keeps me open minded. But it also leaves me choosing guys that don’t make me feel all those things. My cold self that I am trying to keep alive, the self that is 135 lbs. and smiling is picky. She actually takes time to taste and will put the fork down if she doesn’t like it, but she can come off as an asshole (which I’ve admitted that I am – just need to control it for friendship/family sake), she isn’t flirtation and is more cognisant of who she lets in.

When I exercise, I am more so my binge self. The binge self keeps me going because it’s seen me get up a million times before while my cold self starts feeling overly confident and big headed by thoughts that I let roll on too long. Downfall of having an imagination… I am working on controlling it though.

So I need my binge and cold self to work together. My past motivations were to be the bell of the ball and wanted, it’s no longer that. My current motivation is to be motivated to focus on anything as much as I was at finding love . Well not anything… it has to mean something to me. I already admit that I’m not a saint, I’m a pretty shitty person so I’m not always going to say or do the right things. I’m going to be selfish but I will always try and be honest. I guess exploring meaning is a motivation. Especially what happens as I feel any sort of emotion, such as jealousy from this morning. Why feel jealous? And is that answer reasonable enough to maintain the feeling? Such as I felt jealous because I was kind of slutty and thought I was hot shit on the companies meet up. Ok.. why did you think you were hot shit?

Cold self:

  • I lost a lot of weight
  • I like my reflection
  • I looked good in my outfit
  • Felt like I got a lot of eyes

Ok this is as honest as I can get with my vanity. But then this gets me really insecure:

Binge Self:

  • Still have mushy skin and loose boobs
  • My gap and big nose isn’t perfection
  • I don’t look good all around
  • It’s mainly makeup and efforts on hair
  • Getting eye contact isn’t really that hard

Where is the warm self? The mixture of these two extremes…

What would have the warm self, the self that mentally give itself Tulips as a way to forgive itself when it knows it’s being too unkind, or too conceited, or too assholish, or too much of anything. It forgives itself and reminds itself that:

  1. Refocus on the moment
  2. Every thought that just freaked you out isn’t grounded in reality and has no weight
  3. Other’s thoughts, behaviors, and actions don’t have to affect you, keep doing you
  4. What would you do if you didn’t feel badly?

So my warm self, on the company trip, wouldn’t have worn the red shirt, much too sexy, as well as the dress. Well, no, my warm self can wear those things. But my warm self wouldn’t be surprised when she gets attention and would have turned down the invitation to go to his bedroom knowing that it isn’t a declaration of love but a validation of something you, today, know. You don’t have to settle or give any parts of you that you don’t want to because there will be more. I’m not sure who, but I know there will be more that would be much more of a fun time compared to this person who doesn’t seek monogamous love… from you. As much as that hurts to admit, don’t use their rejection as validation on your negative self talks and just keep doing you. It might be true, it might not, it’s just not worth the bother in figuring out.

You don’t have to prove it, you just are. And someone will notice it. If no one does notice it…then maybe this century wasn’t meant for you. Live it out and wish for a better reincarnation.

How do I let go of feeling anxiety for the future? I imagine GFW giving his attention to another girl. Which, I don’t have a lot of feelings for him, but that embarrassment is going to be real..I’m going to need to give myself lots of tulips then..and even so I don’t think I’d feel much better… I have to face the reality that they are going to move on and I should to, no looking back. No need for it. I think of what others would think… how they would sympathize or laugh at me.

  • if they did, so what?
    • people will devalue me
  • If so what?
    • nothing… I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing

What matters most is what you think of you. When this happens, you’ll know how much you’ve grown since the last time you met everyone. You’re afraid he’s going to do something that you were nervous people would judge you for… going with another person. But for him, you don’t think of him as a slut like you think yourself. You think, oh then people will think I wasn’t worth it, or I must feel bad that he didn’t chose me, blah blah.

See…I’m spending too much time on this. I need to stop blabbering about this nonsense and get actual work done.

OK OK

Recap of my rant:

-Tulip for my feelings of jealousy and wanton behavior

-Realized I don’t have to be the bell of the ball

-Realized being yourself is much more fun than trying to be the bell of the ball

-It’s ok to binge, but if I can try to use other preventative strategies and tools, try that first

-Think about plan b to sustain lifestyle if this job is lost

-Don’t look for things to try to hold on to because you are most likely going to find yourself gripping something that’s not real yet you can’t let go. Note the loss and move on. It’s ok to lose. 

-Stop blabbing and really focus on getting work done. Timely