Happy New Year!

I spent most of today laying in the living room with the Moores. We went to Grant’s house last night and hung out with his friends, including Amber. That was after driving around the surrounding area for an open McDonalds – in which there were none. But, to our hangry surprise, Burger King was thankfully…

Random Thoughts Throughout the WorkDay

  things don’t happen for a reason – and it’s your job to figure out that reason to realize why you’re glad it didn’t happen. Or you can let go and move on? Am I doing too much examining instead of moving on? is this just a silly effort to make myself feel better about…

Day 6 ~ Up & Down

I’ve taken myself to the gym between 5:30-7am everyday this week. I see a lot of progress with my body, but there is much left to do and there is much left to accept. I’ve returned a full length mirror to my room. I dance in front of it when I want, and look at…

Day 2

I went to the gym this morning. Yesterday, I weighed myself to be 136.2. That’s the lightest I have been since I can remember. I’m not stopping though, there’s no reason to. To live a purposeful life, I must be the best version of me possible. The best version of me is a fit and…

Hello Friday

My black friday purchases: wireless keyboard laptop boost up thing Amazing Grace (Philosophy brand) fragrance spray Oscillating space heater I also scored some parental givings: Dad found an unused monitor, so I have dual monitor set up Parents gave me an unused roller (I just found the pleasure in self compression massages with those things)…

Confessions & Daily Digest

Confessions. These moments where I really get down about myself in thinking of you still exists. Its really sinking in. I attach your rejection as a score on my looks. Each time I look in the mirror, I understand why a little more and more. I’m losing weight, and I don’t feel beautiful. At least,…

OMG

I just felt a huge pang of emotion… and following that are thoughts and feelings and reflections of my past wanton actions… and now I’m questioning my worth… But I don’t feel like binging, I feel like figuring out why I feel this way and how to correct it. Ok – the company hired new…

I Have Nothing to Lose

I think I’m so cool just because I try a little harder than usual with work. Why am I so conceited? Before I beat myself up, remember, I’ve already admitted to being a shitty person at heart so, nothing you say can hurt me. I’m a shitty person ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But, I’m changing. It’s scary because I…

What’s Wrong With Me

I see the ACW has 11/3 – 11/4 off of work… my conclusion is he is coming to KC – as he said he was thinking of doing…but he didn’t tell me so. Which means, he’s not interested. Self talk time… I don’t know if that’s what he’s doing or not… if it is what…

Self Reflection

I read through my last post and realized I actually do need to do the self reflecting parts. Write out what is bugging me and challenge those thoughts. Negative Thoughts: I keep seeing 0 texts. 0 texts = 0 care? I get a sinking feeling when I don’t see any texts from people. I’ve tried…

Binge Again

4 lbs. gained in 3 days. 10/27 = 137 10/29 = 141 That’s how easy and quick it is to gain weight, especially with an eating ‘disorder’. It’s done, but here’s a mind dump of why and what I can do next. My theory (developed as I write): Every weekend, if I don’t have any…

Keep Writing

When things go well, I stop writing. So I stop reflecting, which means things will go wrong again. So this post is my effort to write even when I didn’t feel like it. To be honest, I wasn’t going to write until I noticed myself freaking out, again, about my social relationships. How I’m feeling…