Feeling that Feeling

Who am I?

I don’t know…

I’m afraid, I never will. What are my thoughts? What are my beliefs? My opinions? I spend a lot of time listening to others. It’s what I do most of the time, instead of talking. I don’t have much to say, or if I do, I’m highly censored. The censorship keeps me from making friends that truly know and accept me – if any do exist. I bite my tongue and gear towards being agreeable, to the point where I’m a chameleon. I watch others live out their values, speak their opinions, and connect. I don’t want to watch or listen to others anymore…it makes me feel less than who I thought I would be.

I want to have strong values and beliefs. I want to have confidence in myself. Lately, during conversations, I have been more inclined to downtalk myself. I don’t want that anymore.

But, I don’t know if I can ever be who I aspire to be… So, I feel a bit stuck in life. It’s as if I hate the way I make my bed, yet know no other way to set it to my liking. For almost 27 years now, I’ve lived with this anxiety of self loathing and rollercoaster emotions. I always feel as if I’ve finally climbed out from under the rock I’ve been living in, only to realize I’ve climbed into another damn rock.

Pictures of Billy and his woman doesn’t hurt as much anymore. Perhaps it’s because of the recent realizations of why I can’t have a healthy relationship right now. If I were who I aspire to be, I wouldn’t desire him as much as I do as he does not treat me kindly. I think of him still, but, I know it really is for the best that we are apart as I have so much emptiness inside of me that not a damn person can fill – it’s not their job to.

This emptiness is mine to fill, but I don’t know what to do. I have a lonely ache that attacks, deriving from attachment issues. Issues that may be apart of my DNA or so deeply ingrained that I’m afraid I’ll never resolve it. I’m afraid I will always be this way

How will I ever love someone the way I want to, and have them love me back if I’m this way? 

I entertain the thought of leaving every single thing behind here, and moving away. Somewhere where no one knows me, or at least with my older sister who isn’t afraid to set me straight.

I miss that in relationships, someone who will set you straight. I realize I push away people who ‘try to set me straight’, I don’t know why.

Anyways…

here’s to the new years… 20 fucking 17

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Day 12 ~ Anxiety Incoming

Tonight is the Christmas party. I’m getting anxious because I am afraid that I will get drunk and miss this mother fucker. I’ll be feeling cute and lonely. I need something else to focus on. The thing is, I know I’ll think of him because he’ll be my escape from social anxiety.

I want to live in the moment, that’s the only way I will feel better and the only way tonight is even worth living through. Being present. I have to figure what I want to wear. What is going to bring the most of me out? I don’t want to look overdressed, or made up. But I want to feel pretty, confident, and comfortable.

I must remember the fear of suffering is often worse than the suffering itself. I fear tonight more than it might even hurt me, the hurt is stronger because I’m already starting it. I’ll stop that now.

I feel my personal relationship have gotten better, but in a large group, I get really nervous. I don’t know where my place is. I don’t know what to say, how to say it. I have to rewire my thinking though. I do know what to say. I do know how to say it. I am a grown woman. I can handle my alcohol. I must not take things personal, I must be present with people. I will not resort to thinking of Billy because I feel insecure or I feel like no one is paying attention to me. One thing I think about is “wherever you are, there you are”. This makes me remember to just fade into the background. Whereever I’m at is as it would be without me. I dont’ need attention, I don’t need to escape with fantasies. I can stay in the moment. And use my five senses to remember the night. These are nights I want to remember well.

I wish, still, I didn’t miss him. And didn’t have to think of what he’s doing tonight. I hate that so much. But, it is only Day 12. Maybe on day 255, he will be indifferent to me. Or I’ll completely shut him out comfortably.

I’ll let you know how it went in the morning. I will try my best to stay in the moment so that I can retell the happenings of tonight. It may be stale, as there will be no single men here…

Perhaps Tinder? Perhaps not. I don’t know.. Make me feel pretty damn it! But honestly, this gap has gotten me so bugged. I don’t feel pretty with it. I can’t smile comfortably. Either I’m going to get it fixed, or learn to love the fuck out of it.

Day 11 ~ Love Language & Relationships

Healthy mindsets today:

  • (Working out) You only have 20 minutes to give to spin, do you want to make the best of it? I preceded to do interval spin. I was lazier on the treadmill, but the spin was good at the very least.

Unhealthy mindsets today:

  • Overanalyzing what I said
  • Overthinking what I will say

I woke today a bit better than yesterday. Last night I made a resolve. For the next 30 days, I will prepare for the day before. This consists of getting workout clothes laid out, gym bag ready with outfit neatly rolled up inside with shower essentials ready to go. The next days’ task list written out and inserted between the screen and the keyboard of my laptop.

This morning, that task list was a pleasant surprise. The typical feeling I get when I first crack open the laptop first thing in the morning is the dread of thinking out priorities for the day. I had forgotten I wrote the list so when I saw it, I felt relief that I could dig right in.

The mindset to get into when preparing for the next day is that each day should be treated as a continuum of the previous, and actions today are for preparations for tomorrow’s productivity. It’s only day 2 so I will practice what I preach before I get too gung ho.

The day started off on the right foot. Although, I feel I am getting quite lackadaisical about exercising. I am still immensely proud of my fitness level so far, but I am not seeing as much results as I did previous. To be fair, when I kicked up the intensity (not necessarily in a healthy way), it was because I wanted to get fit to make Billy want me again. I am changing that though. I want to own my fitness and make it a part of me regardless of who is and isn’t in my life. It’s my thing. It’s my best friend.

It is what has helped me through the hardest times of my life, and I hope it will continue to. Conversations I’ve had with strangers yesterday and today also have helped me peak out of the melancholy I’ve been feeling. I attracted two new people this week. One being an 80 year old gentleman and the other being a (maybe) mid 30s woman. Both dropping in on my life to pass on gems they’ve found on their journey.

Some of the gems from the older gentleman (Vic):

  • Listen to what I’m saying, but take it and analyze it for your own truth. You can think some of what I’m saying  is garbage but I urge you to just think.
    • I want to incorporate that into my relationship with friends. Often I try to think of the right advice to give and I start over analyzing what advice I give. I can mention that I don’t expect them to take my advice, hell I don’t know if I would, but I want them to take it home and analyze what they want and come to their own conclusion
  • I mentioned this yesterday, I think. Vic called me out on only touching the surface or being stopped at the shell of things. He urged me to pick something, and dig deep. Add some good into the world.
    • On my way home from Pho Good tonight with Erin, I thought, perhaps what I can bring to the table is my ear. My parents rarely paid attention to what I said, being busy in their own heads or just not wanting to dig deep with me. I feel that has affected how I behave in my relationships as well. I use to not listen well. But I am becoming much better at it. I give the speaker time and space to speak their mind. Although I’m not perfect, I am getting better. Perhaps making people feel heard is my purpose. Perhaps my love language is through full attention.
    • I do get very discouraged when I don’t have my own opinions to give on topics. I am very quite during meetings, I don’t have many suggestions, and I am very agreeable. I don’t want that in a colleague so I am insecure about it. If I give my attention to my work more devoutly, perhaps I will form an opinion.
  • He likes a woman that wears high heels. We had some debate over our differences caused by the generation gap. One thing I want to work on is how I handle disagreements in conversations. I found myself pushing away from Vic because of some of his opinions. But he mentioned that (whatever comment he made at the time) his friend just does not see his point of view. I guess that just showed me, you can have friendships and not be on the same page on things. Now, I do that with friends. But I typically push new people away if I feel they are radical… I don’t know, I am a sheep trying to grow into a leader of my own life. But this conversation got me thinking about how much effort I put into my appearances. I don’t put a lot in terms of makeup and clothes. But I take care of my body and my hygiene. I have a skin care regime I follow. I brush my teeth twice a day (unless I am drunk). I just don’t invest in what I feel may portray me to be more than I am? If I put makeup on, you might not be able to tell, but it changes the way I look completely. I think I look really pretty in make up. But when I take it off, I feel I look completely different. I rather look like just one person. If I could not associate looks with how I act, then I’ll wear more makeup. But for now, looking prettier than I actually am inflates and deflates my ego too much.
  • He talked at me for hours and hours. Much of which I forgot, but I listened because I knew, it may come back one day as a spark, or it’s already affected me for the better and I don’t realize. My subconscious mind might be holding on to it.

Gems from Mia (Jamia):

  • Someone may use your body, but they can never use your mind if you don’t let them. Her example was a sexual assault. If you are a victim of sexual violence, you may hold on to the fact that this person used your body, but he or she cannot get into your mind unless you let them.
    • Billy took my body, even though I gave it to him, he took it in a way, under false hopes created by me. He was/may still be affecting my mind, but what Mia said made me realize this, and made me want to stop allowing him to do so.
  • She talked a lot about the laws of attraction
  • I asked her if she were wanting to post music, and realized a lot of people don’t like what she put out, what she would do. It’s that fear that stops some people
    • she said, the more important question is, do YOU like what you’re putting out. You can’t follow people’s opinions or else you will be up and down and up and down depending on who’s opinion is what. YOU have to like what YOU create.
  • She strongly believes that everyone has a choice
  • I used the analogy (explaining where I am in life):
    • I’m dancing around my toolbox instead of opening it and using it. I shouldn’t be scared of the end product of my creation with the tools – it may change from building a cabinet to a table. But as long as the tools are utilize, transcendence occurs.
  • Be fine with or without what you want
    • Be fine with or without the love you want
    • Be fine with or without plans
    • Be fine just as you are now

The major points from these two teachers are:

  • Pick a passion, dig deep, just do it
  • Don’t listen to others opinions
  • Use your skills

I almost didn’t want to do a recap of their conversations because I wouldn’t be able to put down everything, and seeing how little I remember is discouraging, BUT, I know it will be gems when I read through these in a few weeks or years.

I was really, really, really sad today at Starbucks. I went to the bathroom because I was on the verge of tears. I keep thinking in these negative loops, where I can literally feel the pressure in my head, screaming for me to stop the abuse. I, honestly, sometimes get scared that I will end up taking my own life in the future. I don’t know if that’s something I should take serious or if it’s just hypochondria. I started thinking about that because I relate to this story of a woman’s mother, who had the same avoidance behaviors I did, who took her own life. I really feel the difference between that and the life I want are relationships.

As hard as I try to say I hate people, I love people. But I don’t know how to show it. I constantly question myself and second guess what I will say. I try to over please people and be too agreeable. I don’t have my own opinions in an effort to ‘love’ people. That’s the language I was taught. No arguing, no debating, no back talking, no talking about your day, if you don’t agree with what I am saying I will give you the cold shoulder until my own loneliness brings me around and we don’t’ even talk about what caused the silence in the first place. That’s the lessons I learned growing up in how to form relationships. I am trying to reteach myself and it’s hard. It’s really hard some days when you hate yourself and your inadequacies. But, just talking to Mia brightened my day up. I didn’t talk 80% of the time, but I enjoyed her gems and I enjoyed that she enjoyed talking to me. I know Vic may have needed it just as badly as I – or maybe not. He seemed pretty cool and not lacking of social interactions. Well, they both seemed pretty social. Who knows. But I do know, I want to grow in that way. I want to form my own opinions, healthy relationships, and dig deep. I don’t see a fulfilling life without that.

Billy is always in the back of my mind. Does it mean something if I think of him every single day? There are moments where I find myself not thinking of him, and those moments give me hope for entire days like that. I keep Billy in my mind because, this whole personal growth thing, I felt like he was a big encourager of it. It saddens me that I can’t talk about all of this with him. I wonder what he would say. Or if he would provide more gems from his readings or conversations with people. I miss that so much.

I went back and read the texts I sent him:

“I love you very much for the person that you’ve become. You inspire me in more ways than you know, the first to encourage my creativity, challenge my thoughts, and make me see the world differently. You’ve thanked me a many times but I’ve thanked you little in return. I’ve also apologized very little for past things I know was wrong. Had I been more mature I would have realized this and fought for you to stay because, people like you are gems. I’ve never been honest about my feelings for you, but I am ready now. I don’t expect to be your cup of tea – please don’t be afraid to hurt my feelings with honesty. I just want to know if I am or not so I can either keep brewing for you or retire the kettle.”

“I look for you in crowds, all the time… I think of u first thing when I wake, before I fall asleep…..and the many moments in between. I love you, and have only you, these past 8 years.

In my many musings of life I wonder what your opinions would be of it because you think different than most… I wonder how you would challenge my beliefs. I use to get frustrated at not being right all the time..but now I welcome it…and I want nothing more than to feel your warmth next to me every night while we talk about life.. You’re so fucking smart. It doesn’t feel right without you here. Is it a moment of insanity or great realization? I don’t know..but I do know I want nothing more than to be your biggest fan in your endeavors.

I don’t regret a single thing I’ve done with you.. I just hope that you don’t think me a fool.
If u choose not to respond..there may be late night drunken texts like tonight that I couldn’t help but send in the near future… But I promise they’ll eventually dissipate with time..
Anyways. I love you Billy..I always freaking will. For who you were and are.”

That was fully and completely me, the heart felt me, unquestionable me. The me that wanted instant gratification.

All those things I said to him…were things I wish I could say to myself. Some of those things are 100% true about myself. Sometimes I feel as if Billy was just my original wordpress site. I could through him ‘me’ and be accepted for my writing. He put me on a pedestal that way. He’s a big metaphor for something, a big lesson I had to learn that made me face the why’s and how’s of where I came from and how I came to be me, and now, I must do the rest and grow into the who I will be.

I have to remind myself that this strong person was here before meeting him, and she’ll be just as strong moving forward without him. But, it’s the sidekick on the ride that I miss. Again, perhaps it’s an illusional side kick. Because what would he do if we were together? What are the patterns?

I would be waiting for him for something. I really wouldn’t form these (what I think is becoming) close relationships with Leighann and Erin. I need to work on my other relationships for sure. But, these two, to begin with, have made me feel really warm. I must learn, despite my responses that I beat myself over for, they still want to be friends. I live a pretty nice life, that fact is what makes it even more hard on some days. I think, I have it good, why can’t I be happy for it? Perhaps, the question is, “why can’t I be happy for it now”. Or perhaps, this is happiness, and I’m mistaking uncertainty and self doubt for depression instead of the growth needed for the fruits of life. It’s not permanent, my unhappiness. It’s growing pains. I have to believe that, I must.

The fear of suffering is often times worse than the suffering itself.

Tomorrow is a new day. I’ve prepped for it again. I will work at starbucks until 3 and head home to prepare for our christmas party. I’ll think of him, and feel the aches now and then. Maybe, I’ll be tearful again at Starbucks. Regardless, I will be okay. No feeling is final.

Day 8 – Beginnings of Detachment 

Attachment – according to a quote from the book – creates all life’s sufferings. I agree with this quote. Attachments to people, ideas, and beliefs is what makes the heart break when the attachment is threatened by life happenings. It is why being smart and deliberate about who you choose to attach yourself to is so important. 

I’ve not talked to Dad since Thursday. I will again, but not today. I need time to heal. I realize my attachment to him and his to me is unhealthy. I realize I can choose the kind of love I want to get and I feel I deserve – if only because I will give it right back. I had a breakthrough expression on my way to the gym earlier. I spoke in Vietnamese as if I were talking to dad about what hurts me and what keeps me silent. It felt freeing. I’ve never spoken more clearly and eloquently in Vietnamese before and no one was there to witness and understand except for me.

I’m in control of the love I get. I do this by being in control of who I surround myself with and who I choose to be and do with my limited space and time. I changed by number last week. I repeat it often here because it was such a significant move. We’ve had the same number for 10 years and it was the last road home where the weed and tall grass hasn’t grown over and hid the clear and easy path for him. Changing my number was symbolic of ripping off the moist bandaid laid over my unhealed heart, closing up the only obvious road there, isolating me in a temple of deep self reflection. 

He does not have me on facebook, or snapchat, now there is no number to call. He knows where I live, and he has my very old email address. It is not impossible to reach me even though he might quit after getting no response from my old number. 80% of me feels he won’t ever even try. Love would make you do what you think is impossible. I’m letting him go because I do love him. I need this time to heal from any kinds of love of attention from men although If rather have Billy. It might be because he is the easy way to self love. If he loved me then I wouldn’t have to try as hard to love me. I speak and write of him all the while he has no idea and is happy with perhaps the beautiful blond on his Facebook profile. 

I find comfort in this at the very least. In a not very distant past, he had to let me go too. Then I fell for the he that became in the space we didn’t affect each other. I came back for him. Now its my turn to let him go and grow in the current space where there is no trace of him. If he comes back, then it was meant to be. If he doesn’t, well, it wasn’t meant to be. And perhaps one day…neither of us will be left waiting at the train stop eventually.  

That thought scares me. I’m letting go but I don’t want to. Who is me without you? If just the idea of you that I’ve chased for 10 years. 

I’m scared but confident… 

Some of my motivational thoughts today:

Little joys in life are found in lessons and exercises which eventually proves to you your true capability. The joy comes as a jolt of excitement…trial, error, trial, achievement. I felt it today while setting up the WP site and I want to keep feeling it. You only really start to age when you stop seeking growth and challenges. 

The day I realize I didn’t have to put men before my own desires was the freest day of my life. It was also the day I realize I can say no to whom ever does not respect, value, persue, and encourage me, whom does not nourish my soul. It was that day I truly believed in nurture over nature. The nature of being is equality for all living things. It is the pursuit of power that puts us in tiers. I was born equal to my brother but social rules say I am worthless if not for the man that I falls for me and the deeds I can do to cater to his feelings. 

Remember This…

I’m glad I kept messages so I know what happened and how I felt if I am ever forced to question my actions in the future, and my resolve to letting him go was also questioned. To be direct, if he ever tries to guilt me for breaking off communication…

After he said no to commitment, I still texted him. I invited him to dinner when I was in New Orleans in October – that’s why we had dinner at Zocolo and why he sent the I had a good time text.

I then texted him, perhaps a week or two after for dinner. He responded, again, hours later with “I’m pretty lit from the chiefs game”. That combined with seeing pictures of his girl activites pushed me to change my number. Not so that he can’t reach me, it’s so I would stop waiting for that text from a number that’s embedded into my mind.

Why must it feel so good to ruminate about heartbreak? That’s my issue right now. Stop writing about it and start living! If I keep writing and questioning – I’ll live in a loop. Writing, too, can be a dangerous hobby.

Day 7 ~ Step Forward Disguised?

Yesterday was really hard, as is this morning. I think having my workload shoved to today instead of being tackled yesterday adds to the feelings of it being hard. All self created… the quote book I’m reading addresses this. To paraphrase, there are quotes that encourages you to act on your words, and happiness is when what you think, say, and do are harmonious. I’ve been complaining about work, indulging in my self pity of unrequited love and deep seeded emotional issues, and thinking of better days. To be fair, I feel I am doing what’s needed to heal. Although, it doesn’t feel like it when I still cry and miss him.

Yesterday’s silver lining, though, was dinner with Sam and Brenell, followed by good conversations with Loan and her new boyfriend (whom I just met last night!). Loan is one of the two people that knows I feel broken about Billy, to what extent I’m unsure. Loan and Erin both have experienced similar heartbreaks. I thought I was getting better about talking about it, but I felt a large lump in my throat and tears in my eyes when Loan brought Billy up. Both times I was able to hold on my tears and carry on the conversation, which is a big step for me.

Still, I felt really sad about it. I truly don’t know if I’ll ever be ‘over him’. Some say you never get over it, you just learn to live with it. I don’t want to live with this dark cloud forever 😦

I have a optimistic and a self pity side – optimistically I feel I am getting better everyday and growing into myself more, growing my ability to love others in correlation to loving myself. Because I work remote, I now want to better appreciate conversations with girlfriends, also, if anything it helps me get out of my head space and into another’s for a moment, which is freeing.

The self pity side – well, you know all about that. I’m not worthy or beautiful enough for the love that I see. The girl who thinks she is and the girl that thinks she isn’t are both correct. Right now, I truly think I’m not but I’m working towards believing that I am. In order to believe that I am, I think I must start living in the moment instead of existing in the past. Do what I think I want to do, do what I’ve said I’ll do, and do what makes me feel good. Complain less as well. This job has been the easiest, least stressful job ever bestowed on me. It’s easy to take advantage and not produce to your potential, but is it right? Does it make me feel good? No, it makes me feel good to throw myself into work and be highly focused. Currently, my focus is Billy, but I will be able to transfer that focus power to something more fruitful.

 

Random Thoughts Throughout the WorkDay

 

  • things don’t happen for a reason – and it’s your job to figure out that reason to realize why you’re glad it didn’t happen. Or you can let go and move on?
  • Am I doing too much examining instead of moving on? is this just a silly effort to make myself feel better about me and feel like i’m superior to billy just because of this? he’s just living his life while i examine the remnants of what happened. if the end result is me living my life, in the moment, then it was worth it. trial and error… writing is the trial, self examination is a trial. just because i lost weight doesn’t mean what i do and think is right..that’s just a disguise. i have to keep moving and keep examining and questioning myself. i think i will know when my soul has reached the surface of my skin.
  • i shouldn’t beat myself for self examining alot. it’s my way of coping with the pain. just like running and starting songs is for me. it just feels like alot right now because for some reason i have a lot to say, im thinking a little clearer today. maybe this could be a path to something I would like. Mental health has always been a topic of importance and it’s growing – this is my way of having a positive mental health. In hundreds of years time, people are going to think we lived so backwards by undervaluing the importance of mental health.
  • example of positive: i hated lutti. she was hateful towards me. but i realize.. she clung on to billy and wanted from him want her husband didn’t give to her. Billy was between his dad’s infedility, and probably picked up his dad’s lack of communication with his mom, and at the same time had to be consoling towards his mom. I remember him holding her as she broke down. i remember him saying he never wants to do that to another woman. That’s alot for a kid to go through. The irony is, I am in the same boat as Lutti. She and I are more alike that she would ever know. I broken hearted over her son, who treated me the same way her husband treated her. She hated me, instead, in realizing this shared experience, i’m beginning to let go of that anger. at least thats my understanding of it.. i dont know, there’s no such thing as truths when it comes to the human mind and why we do the things we do. we can only guess – and sometimes, if these guesses promote an inner change that points us to what we think is our northstar, then we call it enlightment.
  • I enjoy it though…
  • single – why we need it. over population of women. causes songs, media.. more options to be different definition of women. men have a lot of us to pick from. if you aren’t ready to be picked, you’ll know.?
  • use this time to define us – that is key to lasting relationships. divorce happens when you weren’t ready? i don’t know.. i need to research things i’m not familiar with. divorce, overpoulation, music media influences. etc.
  • we have a need to relate and be connected. we have a need to know we are not alone in  our struggles.
  • find a friend or two in life that are those who we can talk to like we talk to ourselves. who muse in our musings, entertain our curiosity, and are responsive.
  • it still hurts. my soul loved him, our souls touched for a point in time. the place he touched is still throbbing with pain. the honest embarrsing truth is i dont want him to be happy because i’m not happy. selfish right? is that even love at all?
  •  it’ll take time to heal. no matter how much positivity i can think up, it will hurt and time is a patient beast when it’s working for you. Time demands that you follow through with your resolves before you can be tested again. right now, the answer is still yes to him. Time, though, will shape my lips to a smiling no.
  • dont be sad when friends let you down or don’t meet your expectations. don’t have any expectations for them, thats what unconditional friendship means. just be grounded in yourself even though they’re not responsive the way you want. you must not take it personal or undervalue your attributions to the friendship. you have no idea what they’re doing or going through, everyone is  dealing with their own personal struggle, don’t add on to it by being sensitive and causing more stress on them. find things to do if you’re bored and  maybe in doing so, you can find new friends that, instead of meeting an expectation, opens your eyes to different possibilities.
  • when we were young and i asked myself if i saw him as my husband for life, i thought no. in retrospection, and this is fragile becuase it’s based on memory with addages of my gettig older, the young vien knew all along and was wise beyond her years in this realization. she just didn’t trust herself..but maybe it was needed for this moment in time to happen. All this writing and pouring of my heart. He is the topic of my days but my growth is what I am seeking. I realize now, he didn’t make me feel the way i wanted to feel. he emulated what i already was feeling at home, glimmers of happiness but more often sad over him. right now, the way i feel in my heart for him would still be felt whether i’m with him or without him.. let that digest.. with him, i would still feel this pain. the young vien wanted more from love and life. she tried to leave him a few weeks into dating, but he convinced her to stay. and she latched on ever since then.
  • Sherlock, in looking through a women’s phone, talking to lab assistant:
    • is that your girlfriends?
    • you think it’s my gfs because i’m looing thru her phone?
    • we all do strange things
    • unhealthy relationship insight from Sherlock
  • I want to be irene adler. sherlock is effing hot, and she’s got him in cahoots. and that’s because she smart, focused, and confident.
  • my struggle – consistency. effected by ebb and flow of confidence
    • remember that you once ‘hated everyone’. that’s because of your expectation of them. you enjoyed this period bc you felt unaffected by your perception of others treatmeant towards you. but it wasn’t sustainable. you don’t hate everyone, you need people. from that, though, you must remember the lesson that other’s actions don’t have to affect you
  • an idea can destroy an entire civilization…
    • all my progress, i stumbled on obsession with writing to see if others write as much as i do in a day.. i ran into hypergraphia. now i’m questioning every positive thought I’ve had and connections i’ve made. i’m back down to be inferior to everyone.. at a loss without billy.. i’m weird, this ‘improvement and weight loss’ was just a mental disorder actualizing…
      • disorder can lead to victimhood
      • self control is cure
      • the reason i shouldn’t let these manic thoughts trigger my downfall. look at this article. i feel better about it because i t talks about the disorder in a positive way: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200705/quirky-minds-hypergraphia-river-words
      • my opinion is so easily swayed.. this is an issue here… i freaked out and a simple article of someone elses opinion made me feel better
  • group setting anxiety – i must be in the moment to report back in writing
  • i think writing took over my addiction to food…
  • am i merely inventing all this up to avoid feeling like i really did fuck up and am worthless…
  • im currently internally freaking out – correc those thoughts. talk yourself out of it.
    • importance of getting out of the house and being on a sport or team
    • writing alot is great because you love it, but you must get out and get fresh ideas in the mix. you can’t isolate yourself or else you’ll go mad
  • insecur