Feeling that Feeling

Who am I? I don’t know… I’m afraid, I never will. What are my thoughts? What are my beliefs? My opinions? I spend a lot of time listening to others. It’s what I do most of the time, instead of talking. I don’t have much to say, or if I do, I’m highly censored. The censorship keeps…

Day 12 ~ Anxiety Incoming

Tonight is the Christmas party. I’m getting anxious because I am afraid that I will get drunk and miss this mother fucker. I’ll be feeling cute and lonely. I need something else to focus on. The thing is, I know I’ll think of him because he’ll be my escape from social anxiety. I want to…

Day 11 ~ Love Language & Relationships

Healthy mindsets today: (Working out) You only have 20 minutes to give to spin, do you want to make the best of it? I preceded to do interval spin. I was lazier on the treadmill, but the spin was good at the very least. Unhealthy mindsets today: Overanalyzing what I said Overthinking what I will…

Day 8 – Beginnings of Detachment 

Attachment – according to a quote from the book – creates all life’s sufferings. I agree with this quote. Attachments to people, ideas, and beliefs is what makes the heart break when the attachment is threatened by life happenings. It is why being smart and deliberate about who you choose to attach yourself to is…

Remember This…

I’m glad I kept messages so I know what happened and how I felt if I am ever forced to question my actions in the future, and my resolve to letting him go was also questioned. To be direct, if he ever tries to guilt me for breaking off communication… After he said no to…

Day 7 ~ Step Forward Disguised?

Yesterday was really hard, as is this morning. I think having my workload shoved to today instead of being tackled yesterday adds to the feelings of it being hard. All self created… the quote book I’m reading addresses this. To paraphrase, there are quotes that encourages you to act on your words, and happiness is…

Random Thoughts Throughout the WorkDay

  things don’t happen for a reason – and it’s your job to figure out that reason to realize why you’re glad it didn’t happen. Or you can let go and move on? Am I doing too much examining instead of moving on? is this just a silly effort to make myself feel better about…

Day 6 ~ Up & Down

I’ve taken myself to the gym between 5:30-7am everyday this week. I see a lot of progress with my body, but there is much left to do and there is much left to accept. I’ve returned a full length mirror to my room. I dance in front of it when I want, and look at…

Day 4 & An Unending Post

Today is day 4 since I’ve seen the pictures. It’s still pretty rough, trying to focus during the day. I didn’t want to stay inside so I worked from Starbucks, moved to Barnes and Noble (picked up a breakup book), came home to dog park the dogs, then to Starbucks to fight through work. I…

Day 3

I’m crying again. Thinking of him. It hurts in my heart. I dropped Z-Shan off this morning and realized something that might expose something deeper in my insecurities and may explain why I think Billy is the only one. During the ride, I felt like I had to entertain, I felt like I was boring compared…

Update ~ Impulse Change

I was encouraged to cut off all ties with Billy after reading a couple of online articles: Community Support & Fantasy & It’s Effect The first article came from women who repeated one advice ~ cut off all ties. Some helpful things they said: “You still love him because you have allowed yourself to continue the relationship…

Day 2

I went to the gym this morning. Yesterday, I weighed myself to be 136.2. That’s the lightest I have been since I can remember. I’m not stopping though, there’s no reason to. To live a purposeful life, I must be the best version of me possible. The best version of me is a fit and…