Daily Digest #3

My days have become gentle and routine. My dog is eyeing me, wagging his tail with every move I make. He’s gotten use to our daily dog park trips. My comforter is white, and it makes that crisp sound I love when I shuffle it. I have Spotify playing the Deep Focus channel. I’m in bed with a bed table for my lap top and mouse. Cheeto is snoring, nestled to my right. It’s bright out, my window is completely open to the world as the blinds fell off a long time ago. My days are gentle. I don’t cry like I use to, and when I do, it’s alright. I haven’t had jammed packed weekends like I use to. I sit in the still of my room on most days. The little ache I felt every time I was left alone is slowly dulling away. I’m becoming my own friend. I worry, sometimes, that I am changing for the worst. That this remote job is changing me in a way that’s making me anti-social, conceited, and so on. But then I ask myself, do I really feel that way? Do I feel anti-social, conceited? The answer is, most of the time I don’t like to spend with other people unless they know me and when I do get big headed I really try to stop it. What am I so worried about?

I am worried that my skillset is replaceable and I’ll lose everything I have going on. This isn’t a stupid concern, it’s very realistic. But, it’s also a gamble. It may or may not happen. The best thing to do is be the best you when you need to and give yourself slack when you need it.

Men…

I worry about this as well. You see, this trainer, I don’t know if he looks at me or not, but for some reason, I feel him looking. Plus with what Charlotte said, that he seemed more interested in me, plus his efforts to talk to me that one day… I don’t know where it’s going. I don’t make efforts to talk with him, or even look at him. This morning I felt myself being too harsh. I question if I would be this oblvious to anyone else’s presence. Why am I avoiding it so? I’m expecting him to ask Charlotte out, or refocus his attention on another girl, I’m ready for that disappointment.

But strangely, I ask myself, do I want him to focus on me? I don’t have a one word answer.

I don’t want to give my love easily anymore. I don’t know if that’s what the right thing is, but it’s the outcome the past. Its strict purpose, though, is to be realistic. I have a long way to go physically that I don’t think I can be 100% comfortable naked yet. There are parts of my body that I want to accept as me before I ask anyone else to accept it. If I give him eyes, it would feed my hopes, and make me starve for his affection…in which I will find only a substitute feeling – binging. It boils down to that.

Say these changes I’m making are for the better, and I begin to actually become more attractive to the other sex, what do I do with the attention? How do I talk to them? How do I not lead them on? How do I not get attached?

Right now I don’t reach out to anyone other than my first day buddy. Which I must stop as I have a little crush on him and he is in a relationship. His friend, our coworker, I believe has a thing for me as he was pretty forward about saying I’m the complete package (teasing of course). I was a little curious about him, but I don’t think I’m going to pursue that – he doesn’t have it. I should probably stop thinking too much on it as it’ll give me  a big head… but on another day, it is a serious question. I don’t know who to be or how to be. I hope this period provides me an answer to that question. Because, if I have an answer to that question, that means I’ve discovered who to be and how to be – I’ve realized myself by spending time with myself successfully. If I don’t have an answer for that it means I haven’t fully realized myself yet.

At least that’s my theory.

Anyways, at the gym this morning I did the stairmaster, row, pushups, situps, squats, and sprints. I sweated profusely on the stairmaster. I became lazier as the workout continued. Trainer was there, I barely looked at him and he at me. But at one point we were within 5 feet of each other. Who’s going to be the first to break? Am I going to hear it from Charlotte that he thinks I’m weird because I don’t say anything in the mornings to him? I don’t because he’s with clients or he’s too far away.

Alright, I must get back to work… I’ve yet to start campaign writing. My goal today is to write through Monday & knock out another design. Tomorrow, I’ll schedule Tuesday and knock out another design.

Ok – what’s knocking me off my balance is that Barbara is talking to me like normal now, Charlotte is and this new colleague and I are having a little small talk. I’m liking it too much – it’s what I use to want. But I can’t let that deter me from reaching my goal of being an honest communicator, not fishing for compliments, and not a lonely communicator. I’m ok without talking to anyone all day long, I’ll just be more focused on work that way. I am so productive when I am zoned in like that. Anyways… today is strange.

I’ve been lackadaisical with my workout this morning and with work today. I don’t like it, I know I get this way from time to time. But it’s a pre cursor to binging and feeling guilty. So, I must be patient with relationships and maintain my goals.

 

Advertisements

OMG

I just felt a huge pang of emotion… and following that are thoughts and feelings and reflections of my past wanton actions… and now I’m questioning my worth…

But I don’t feel like binging, I feel like figuring out why I feel this way and how to correct it.

Ok – the company hired new people, girls. I immediately felt, I wish there was another word for it, jealous. I was already thinking they were prettier, or just better all around. On the company trip, I felt like the new girl. This made me realize, I’m no longer the new girl. And that’s ok.

There will always be more prettier, nicer, smarter, more skilled, more dignified, and charming girls. I am completely far away from that. I feel ashamed now, because I realized, on the company trip, I was so big headed. I thought I was the bell of the ball with my red turtleneck and close fitted dress. In the moment, I felt like I had to show off, to be that girl, to get attention. But now, in retrospect, as I imagine a new set of girls coming in, all much more of what I’ve listed, are now the bell of the ball. And that’s ok, because maybe that’s their thing. I tried it, and it wasn’t my thing. I ended up messing around which resulted in a possible spoiled reputation and a +1 in the rejection scoreboard.

All my life I wanted to shine and to be loved. What I’ve learned is that it takes a lot of work to be that girl – and it has to take someone who is genuine in what it takes to actually be that girl. I’m not that girl. I envy that girl.

Today I truly realize, I’m not that girl. And right now it makes me feel a bit down, especially as I tread through this shameful/guilty feelings thinking of my past actions. I hold onto the past so that I can recreate the feelings of when I was that girl. 

Why do I care to be that girl?

Right now it’s livelihood. I think I have to be that girl to keep my lifestyle – work from home with a flexible schedule. Here’s the thing… this is completely out of anyone’s control. I might lose the job from something unexpected like the CEO was smuggling something something and got caught and the company went under. What I need to do, if this is a legit concern is spend time (when I’m bored and just want to eat) learning something that can create a backup if this job falls through. 

*I want to keep in mind, my lifestyle is what I like right now.  I know it is subject to change as I change with time.

That girl gets the guy. At least that’s what t.v. tells me. I think it’s natural to want to be what guys want so that you end up with someone. It feels good being with someone who understands you, who can make you laugh (vice versa), who is good for you, and doesn’t bore you. Maybe I’m pretty particular. That’s something I’m learning about myself these days. My binging personality does not care if the chicken strip is cold, she will eat it and want more. I like this side of me because it keeps me open minded. But it also leaves me choosing guys that don’t make me feel all those things. My cold self that I am trying to keep alive, the self that is 135 lbs. and smiling is picky. She actually takes time to taste and will put the fork down if she doesn’t like it, but she can come off as an asshole (which I’ve admitted that I am – just need to control it for friendship/family sake), she isn’t flirtation and is more cognisant of who she lets in.

When I exercise, I am more so my binge self. The binge self keeps me going because it’s seen me get up a million times before while my cold self starts feeling overly confident and big headed by thoughts that I let roll on too long. Downfall of having an imagination… I am working on controlling it though.

So I need my binge and cold self to work together. My past motivations were to be the bell of the ball and wanted, it’s no longer that. My current motivation is to be motivated to focus on anything as much as I was at finding love . Well not anything… it has to mean something to me. I already admit that I’m not a saint, I’m a pretty shitty person so I’m not always going to say or do the right things. I’m going to be selfish but I will always try and be honest. I guess exploring meaning is a motivation. Especially what happens as I feel any sort of emotion, such as jealousy from this morning. Why feel jealous? And is that answer reasonable enough to maintain the feeling? Such as I felt jealous because I was kind of slutty and thought I was hot shit on the companies meet up. Ok.. why did you think you were hot shit?

Cold self:

  • I lost a lot of weight
  • I like my reflection
  • I looked good in my outfit
  • Felt like I got a lot of eyes

Ok this is as honest as I can get with my vanity. But then this gets me really insecure:

Binge Self:

  • Still have mushy skin and loose boobs
  • My gap and big nose isn’t perfection
  • I don’t look good all around
  • It’s mainly makeup and efforts on hair
  • Getting eye contact isn’t really that hard

Where is the warm self? The mixture of these two extremes…

What would have the warm self, the self that mentally give itself Tulips as a way to forgive itself when it knows it’s being too unkind, or too conceited, or too assholish, or too much of anything. It forgives itself and reminds itself that:

  1. Refocus on the moment
  2. Every thought that just freaked you out isn’t grounded in reality and has no weight
  3. Other’s thoughts, behaviors, and actions don’t have to affect you, keep doing you
  4. What would you do if you didn’t feel badly?

So my warm self, on the company trip, wouldn’t have worn the red shirt, much too sexy, as well as the dress. Well, no, my warm self can wear those things. But my warm self wouldn’t be surprised when she gets attention and would have turned down the invitation to go to his bedroom knowing that it isn’t a declaration of love but a validation of something you, today, know. You don’t have to settle or give any parts of you that you don’t want to because there will be more. I’m not sure who, but I know there will be more that would be much more of a fun time compared to this person who doesn’t seek monogamous love… from you. As much as that hurts to admit, don’t use their rejection as validation on your negative self talks and just keep doing you. It might be true, it might not, it’s just not worth the bother in figuring out.

You don’t have to prove it, you just are. And someone will notice it. If no one does notice it…then maybe this century wasn’t meant for you. Live it out and wish for a better reincarnation.

How do I let go of feeling anxiety for the future? I imagine GFW giving his attention to another girl. Which, I don’t have a lot of feelings for him, but that embarrassment is going to be real..I’m going to need to give myself lots of tulips then..and even so I don’t think I’d feel much better… I have to face the reality that they are going to move on and I should to, no looking back. No need for it. I think of what others would think… how they would sympathize or laugh at me.

  • if they did, so what?
    • people will devalue me
  • If so what?
    • nothing… I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing

What matters most is what you think of you. When this happens, you’ll know how much you’ve grown since the last time you met everyone. You’re afraid he’s going to do something that you were nervous people would judge you for… going with another person. But for him, you don’t think of him as a slut like you think yourself. You think, oh then people will think I wasn’t worth it, or I must feel bad that he didn’t chose me, blah blah.

See…I’m spending too much time on this. I need to stop blabbering about this nonsense and get actual work done.

OK OK

Recap of my rant:

-Tulip for my feelings of jealousy and wanton behavior

-Realized I don’t have to be the bell of the ball

-Realized being yourself is much more fun than trying to be the bell of the ball

-It’s ok to binge, but if I can try to use other preventative strategies and tools, try that first

-Think about plan b to sustain lifestyle if this job is lost

-Don’t look for things to try to hold on to because you are most likely going to find yourself gripping something that’s not real yet you can’t let go. Note the loss and move on. It’s ok to lose. 

-Stop blabbing and really focus on getting work done. Timely

 

If Everyday Were Like Today… You’d Weigh 153 lbs.

Damn… yeah, I binged last night. Funny thing is My Fitness Pal has a “binge” category (made by users). I picked the one that said “Fatass – 2000 calories”. Something was different about last nights binge and waking up this morning. The difference is I’m not upset at all. I binged, it happened, it is what it is.

As I was laying in the middle of my bed snacking, I felt complete… I was watching The Flash and I knew it was past my bedtime which would trigger the binge…but I did it anyways. You know, in a relationship I’d be in the same exact spot, watching an addicting show, eating the same amount but would feel more shamed. That’s what made the difference. I wasn’t ashamed because there isn’t anyone I’m trying to please, not anymore.

I’ve reset my bedroom again. I’ve moved things around and now have a hammock to the left of my bed. It’s a pretty nice set up and I know no one is going to be here for a while, nor will anyone be on my bed, next to me, and touching me in ways I use to want so badly. So, for now, it’s all about me and what I want. I wanted to snack, so I did. I don’t want a naked boy in my bed so there won’t be. I want to lose more weight, and I will, despite these what might seem like setbacks. I want to finish the music site and I will. I will find something that makes me just as high and happy as food does. For now, since I haven’t found it yet, it makes sense that I binge.

I give myself credit for Saturday night, where, I wanted so badly to overeat, but I just went to bed instead.Last night, I was feeling guilty for various reasons. Instead of writing about it, I decided to eat – next time I’ll for certain write.

Today – I’m going to work hard again, to knock out a good chunk of work so that the end of the week will be light again.

Reminders to Avoid Overeating:

  1. Write when guilt rises instead of eat
  2. Eat properly
  3. Exercise is never punishment
  4. Give yourself a Tulip
  5. Must sleep when tired or accept responsibility of not binging if you are going to stay awake
  6. Other’s opinions, thoughts, & behaviours don’t have to affect you
  7. Drink more water

Change of Strategy Recap

Negative talks – I’ll envision myself giving myself a tulip. A reminder to be kind to my and others. Don’t judge myself or others on their behavior.

Other’s thoughts – Not judging others on their behavior ties into not being affected by what I think others are thinking or what they’ve said/done

Binge eating – I’m treating these as my cry for help. Right now I’m working on recognizing that sour feeling that leads into thoughts that urges me to feel better with food.

Exercise – I won’t abuse exercising. It’s something for me to feel good about. I will make efforts to only exercise for good and not to “make up” for anything I’ve eaten.

Fishing – I won’t fish for validation or compliments. I’ll continue to be honest and keep people at a healthy distance.

Oops I Did it Again

I binged last night. I’m now at 141.5. I normally don’t track this but I want to know to see the full effects of binging.

I’ve settled on something, binging isn’t my problem. It’s my flare gun. It happens when I’m not feeling right and really need a pick me up. It comforts me and holds me when no one else is there to do so. The problem is what makes me want to binge.

What happened yesterday to cause the binging?

I’ve been feeling strange with my relationships, you know, the whole I hate everybody thing. It feels really good not to care in the moment, but yesterday I was overthinking so much. I felt really awkward with Pip. I have ill feelings there but since we live together, I can’t escape it and pretend to be cool. I’m not great a pretending so there’s just a lot of silences. I don’t know what to do there.

I left when she went into my room to chat a little. I got to Zman’s and was feeling down already because of the situation at home. I didn’t have any makeup on – which is fine but that added a little of insecurity. Then when I got the Zman’s, my high school crush Isaac was there. He does live there. Mia was back from Mexico, learning to be a scuba instructor. My head started going on and on about how Mia would be who Isaac wants and my thoughts completely destroyed me. I started acting really awkward and left shortly after I got what I needed.

On the drive home, I just kept thinking, perhaps my dad was in this position when he grew up and decided to really push everyone away till he just had his work to focus on. That scared me more than anything. I don’t want that. Instead, I want people around, it’s just people I connect with. People who are like me. I kept thinking how Isaac, Mia, Pip, WHF, and so many other friends who know who they are (at least I think so) but me, I am so split between different types of friends that I had to change myself for depending who was in the room.

When I got home, Lorence was in the kitchen, I started talking more. Lorence wasn’t very talkative. My head started punching me some more. I got into my dark room, the room I’ve spent so much time in and loneliness washed over me. Is this my life now? I have a kick ass job and I wish I could just enjoy my life and how great it’s set up now.

I think I will get there. But moments like these are what holds me back and realizing it will push me forward. A few pounds for a few growth spurts.

I no longer hate that I binge or think I’m abnormal. I love myself more than ever.

What should have I done yesterday?

  1. When I have these negative thoughts, stop and start paying attention to what’s going on in the moment
  2. Get ready for the day, everyday, either put efforts into your hair or face – not both as that would be caring too much… I just want to look decent enough to feel good
  3. In the moment I felt the craving, I should have notice that growing pain and started writing
  4. Find the balance with relationship – this is going to be ongoing

Something else to wonder is, why do I feel fine now? Where is the hunger pain? That type of craving occurs when I feel this…social panic.

  • I don’t feel this way with work, I’m doing well there.
  • I don’t feel this way with exercise, I’m getting stronger.
  • I don’t feel this way (anymore) with family relation, I am who I am.

I am who I am in all these arenas, so why not think that way when it comes to love and social relations?

  • I feel this way with social relations, they’re talking about me or thinking bad about me
  • I feel this way with love, I’m not loveable

These are my own thoughts – there are some evidence of smack talking but, most likely, it’s blown out of proportion in my head – causing me to hate everyone. I must learn the art of healthy gossip.

 

I Have Nothing to Lose

I think I’m so cool just because I try a little harder than usual with work. Why am I so conceited?

Before I beat myself up, remember, I’ve already admitted to being a shitty person at heart so, nothing you say can hurt me. I’m a shitty person ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But, I’m changing. It’s scary because I feel like my relationships are changing and not for the better, but it’s exciting because for the first time ever I don’t actually care.

I’ve already been rejected by love, I’ll survive rejection from anything else because I’ll never stop learning. Wherever I end up, I’ll learn and grow. So, there is nothing you have to hold against me because I have nothing to lose.

Self Reflection

I read through my last post and realized I actually do need to do the self reflecting parts. Write out what is bugging me and challenge those thoughts.

Negative Thoughts:

  • I keep seeing 0 texts. 0 texts = 0 care? I get a sinking feeling when I don’t see any texts from people. I’ve tried so hard to tweak my tools to make myself not feel that way. I’ve silence my texting notification basically, and am not on social media.
    • Why do I expect to have a text every minute of every hour? There are tons of people who don’t text at all and are ok with it. I don’t reach out to people as much anymore, either, so why do I expect to be reached out to? Why do I put so much value in texting?
    • Expectation of others to text me
  • He isn’t texting me. I’m really not “all that” because he’s not texting me
    • Just because he isn’t texting me, doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about me. Just like I am to him. And, maybe he isn’t thinking about me at all. What does that mean? Am I worth less because WHF isn’t thinking about me and doesn’t want to see me all the time? This ties into attention seeking again. Why am I in such a need to get attention from men I think are attractive? Why do I care to get that adoration? Instead, I want raw, honest, and trustworthy friendships. I want to know the skeletons in their closets and know how they truly feel. There’s too much frontery in the world. How do I get there? I want to use it to benefit us though. That would be cool… but I’ll remember to aim for average.
    • There’s no such thing as an “all that” person. We’re all flawed people with faults.
    • Expectation of WHF to text me
  • My honesty will push people away
    • The fact that you hate everyone will push people away at least now, they’ll know why you pushed them away. Just don’t be a super cold and insensitive asshole.
    • Expectation of self to provide honesty and that it will push people away. Don’t expect this and it won’t happen. Make honesty come from a good place. Always, always, always, think before speaking. Are you speaking for you or for the other person?
  • My honesty is bad advice
    • Solution – only give advice if it’s solicited or allowed
    • Looking into how to stop this habit
    • I’ve unintentionally started this growth by asking people, first, if they want my opinion
    • This is the tension I have with Charlotte…I give too much unsolicited advice. I’ve stopped trying, though, which is why I thought our relationship was on the rocks. It’s not though…don’t create drama if it’s not there
    • I don’t have to ask so many questions – but, if it’s who I am… I can ask all I want to ask – then ask if they want opinion, advice, or a reminder that everything is going to be alright…
      • will this make me inhuman? Ah…. 
    • How to stop advising the victim (humor me…they are victim of my unsolicited advice)
    • I came to realize that advice was the last thing I needed. What I craved was for people to simply accept and acknowledge that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. All I really wanted was empathy and some company until the tide turned to ferry me out.

      After my moment of clarity I cringed because I, too, surely have hurt someone’s feelings in the past by giving them advice when they’d not asked for it. And the sad depth of that realization made me feel ill. And guilty.

      The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and unsolicited advice is the mortar.

  • I am not living in a soap opera
    • Stop thinking everything is awkward when there’s no communication going on. Get out of their heads, damn it.

So maybe what I can work on is my sense of expectations for myself and for others. Be okay with how I talk with people, but don’t give unsolicited advice. Don’t be affected by others opinions/behavior/perceived thoughts, really think about what I’ll say as to not talk about other people’s business. Gossip is a monster I must tackle… just as bad as binge eating.