Control

I binged again last night. 

I’m releasing control today and beyond. 

Control….

Control…..

Control: the actions that one takes as a means to a desired end. 

I sincerely believe that everything that happens has values. That’s a statement that mimicks ‘everything happens for a reason’, but doesn’t rely on fate or destiney. 

In telling Erin about my BED, she reminded me of control being a factor in the disorder. Which leads to this mornings ponderings. Everything has a value – even BED. 

So… control. What are things I try to control in my life currently?

  • My appearance
  • External judgements of me
  • Food choices and intake (cravings) 
  • Perfection (not knowing when to let go) 

If there was one thing jiu jitsu taught me, it’s that you don’t win by willing control. You win by being present, going with what’s given, and reacting properly. Also, in parenting, you don’t succeed by trying to control your children. Control never works – it won’t work to cure binge eating, it won’t work to maintain a healthy lifestyle. 

That’s what free eating did. I didn’t control cravings, but I was present and recognized my fullness. I reached by stopping. Binge eating is opposite. I controlled cravings, loss control of managing others judgements, and losing control of body shape. 

What I’m going to work on: 

  • Spread of the ‘non control’ I have at night to the rest of the day in a good balance 
  • Put my goals first, and let go of self judgements and mind reading judgements 
  • Continue to be natural. I’m my best without makeup or ‘sexy’ clothes
  • Meditation & Mindfulness 

Challenge: 

It’ll be a challenge to let go of the importance of others judgements. I relied on that so much in the past because I wasn’t confident enough in myself to judge myself. I’m growing to be confident though. Perhaps that’ll help me release that need for controlling others judgements. 

Be prepared for: 

  • Push and pull of the pursuit of releasing judgement 
  • Rushes of fear of weight gain from free eating 
  • A much happier life : ) 

Fighting! ‚úäūüŹĽ

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Not a Binge

My support friend and I have been trying something different. We have been repeating to ourselves that no food is bad. I have been ordering and eating what I want, with the goal of stopping when I’m full. For one week now, I have not had a binge on this method. That doesn’t mean I haven’t eaten more than I needed, it means I haven’t hidden away and gorged on any and all foods within reach while feeling numb and mindless.

Yesterday was the first truly successful day of eating what I want, stopping when I’m full, regardless of what was left on the plate. I went on a road trip with sorority sisters to a formals event back in our college town.

Not obsessing over what I can and cannot eat helped me stay in the moment and be present with everyone. It was one of the best days I’ve had. I laughed, I joked, I ate, and I let negative thoughts pass like thought clouds.

Mindful eating was successful –¬†until we went out on the town at midnight.

Every meal breakfast and lunch was restaurant bought, dinner was catered. At each restaurant I tried listening to my instincts to order what sounded good. For breakfast I had mcdonald’s breakfast sandwich, a hash brown, and an orange juice. I actually did not finish my foods. How I didn’t finish was by telling myself that I I’m no longer restricting, and good food will keep coming. As long as I don’t eat till I’m uncomfortable. The mindset of no food is bad and good food will not end helps my animal instincts relax and make decisions based on feel rather than deprivation. I can tell it’s a muscle that is very weak because of how uncomfortable it is, but it’s a muscle I really want to build because for the first time – this truly feels like progress (knock on wood).

The scary part is I have not been weighing myself and I know weight gain is¬†inevitable. The goal is, though, to not yo-yo as I have in the past. It’s okay if I gain some weight, as long as I’m healthy and not eating disorderly. In the long run, the weight I gain now while I learn how to eat will be less than the overall weight I would gain if I kept myself on the same binge and purge (through exercise) cycle I’ve been on.

Nighttime Woes:

So during the night time, my friends and I ate junk food while drunk. I ate more than others, but, I didn’t eat uncontrollably (I ate much much more than I needed), but I wasn’t deathly uncomfortable by bedtime. I didn’t sneak away or feel the strong urge to destroy the kitchen when everyone left.

That’s a success – although it’s not perfect. I did feel guilty waking up this morning. In reflection, it truly isn’t guilt. It’s fear. This lingering fear of weight gain and loss of attention from attraction is the heart of my fear. Also being teased by asians too.

But, I must remind myself. This recovery journey is about me and my health. It’s about not binging anymore and it’s about living a healthy, sustainable lifestyle. My ultimate goal is to love my body and to be sustainably and naturally fit.

My mantras:

  1. Walk in the morning
  2. No food is bad
  3. Eat what is there
  4. Talk isn’t scary
  5. I am enough
  6. Allow myself to feel guilt, observe, and let it go

Today:

Instead of running umteen miles like I usually do in a subconscious effort to control weight, I hit up a girlfriend to go walk our dogs. This makes the energy burn much more fun and fruitful – also less taxing on my body & my pups get to burn energy too.

I’ll continue to live out my mantras above as well.

FIGHTING!

WENTI + Recovery Update

WENTI

  1. Walk in the morning
  2. Eat what’s there
  3. No food is bad
  4. Talk isn’t stary
  5. I am enough

Walk in the Morning:

Cheeto and Chester needs their exercises each day. Cheeto, especially needs his arthritic back legs to be exercised. I need to get my blood going first thing in the morning. I added in a stretch this morning as well.

Eat What’s There:

Instead of chasing a certain lifestyle, I’ll eat what I intended to eat in my past purchases. No food should be wasted (it’s okay if you do). Eat up most of everything before the next grocery trip. Make mindful but not restrictive decisions.

No Food is Bad:

This is the key to my recovery. No food is bad. I absolutely love: Chips, chocolate, ice cream, meats, cheese, etc. Foods that I use to label as bad and off limits, foods that I feel I had ‘fucked up’ if I allowed myself to eat. Foods that I would try to undo the next day. Not anymore. No food is bad.

Talk isn’t Scary:

Talking isn’t scary and isn’t something to cause me anxiety. Often the act itself or the avoidance of it causes me to turn to food for comfort. There will be people I click with, there will be people I don’t click with, and that’s ok. There will be silences, and that’s okay too.

I am Enough:

Me, in this moment, is me. I am enough for whatever it is that my heart desires. If I don’t have what I desire yet, it’s because it hasn’t happened yet. Everyday, I grow from the person I was the day before.

Journey Update:

I’ve been mindful about exercise. I haven’t worked out to the extent I did a week ago. I have exercised with the intent of having fun, giving my pups exercise, and just getting my body moving rather than to burn calories. I’ve walked with Angie, and I’ve walked with Erin. I do want to have good workouts but I don’t want to live on the opposite ends of each pendulum anymore (extremes of eating and extremes of working out). I am to live in the middle. Eat what I enjoy, and enjoy burning off that energy.

I am still scared of the weight gain, but the positive side is that I should be more scared. The topic of weight has dominated my mind, pretty much, my whole life. The fact that I’m no longer resisting what I truly want to eat¬†should be¬†a scary thing. I’m handling it pretty well.

Yesterday:

In the morning, I walked my dogs. I didn’t work too much. My creativity is suffering from a blockage, and that’s ok. I can’t be super creative everyday. I went to the gym with Erin. We walked and talked for 2 miles, then I did some workouts that just kept my body moving around.

When I got home, I was quite hungry. Because I had in my head that I wasn’t restricting myself, I didn’t feel ravenous and I didn’t feel an urge to binge. I felt excited for what I was going to eat. That allowance gave me patience. I didn’t rush to food, I was able to wait just like my roommates. I showered, I talked, and I felt normal.

For dinner, choosing¬†what to eat at Boston Market was a challenge. My old self of calorie consciousness was fighting my current self of non-restriction. I met in the middle with a bowl of mac n’ cheese meatloaf, that seemed to not have that many calories – but who knows on that, really. In the past, I would have gotten chicken, side salad, and mac n’ cheese, while feeling guilty about eating the mac n’ cheese and the salad with cheese and dressing.

Jake got a pecan pie that he offered to us. I had one bite to taste. The reason I didn’t have more was because I knew I wanted to get a treat at the theaters. I wasn’t restricting, I was being mindful. I got a scoop and a half of chocolate ice cream (no cone), it was so good.

Yesterday, I mostly felt good eating it. I paid attention to the movie well. I did feel guilty at certain points while eating dinner and the ice cream throughout the night – it comes and goes. Again, it won’t be easy. These are thought patterns that are so old and habitual. It will take time for me to unlearn them. Weight gain will come with it, but not as much of the weight gain that puts me at 180 .lbs.

Something I didn’t do while I felt it yesterday was accepting the feeling of guilt, then letting it go. As I’m writing, I realize I was resisting the feeling of guilt. It’s okay to feel it, in fact, it’s important to allow myself to feel it. But, I shouldn’t believe in it. I’ll now observe the feeling of guilt, but I won’t believe that I truly should feel guilty. And I’ll let it go. Today, I’m not ‘undoing’ the foods I ate yesterday. I’m carrying on, and will eat what I want, but I will also be mindful of how it makes me feel.

Additional Mantra:

  1. Don’t resist feelings that come up
  2. Don’t’ believe in them either

Food Affects:

I didn’t eat carbs for each meal so I didn’t feel as lethargic. On Tuesday and Wednesday I ate rice for the majority of my meals. It didn’t fill me up and I felt lethargic. I should keep a food diary purely to track how I feel – but I’ll think on if I really need it or not.

Today:

Today I’ll continue to eat what I feel like eating but making mindful choices of its effects. I will allow myself to feel guilty but I will remind myself to not believe in why I should feel guilty. I will repeat that no food is bad. I have BJJ tonight as well that I’m excited for. I might go to the thrift store to find something to wear at formals tomorrow.

FIGHTING!

Recovery is Scary

Goal: 

Heal relationship with food and live a life free from an eating disorder.

Recovery Method:

  1. Eat when I want but really observe how I feel
  2. Eat what I want without labeling it good or bad
  3. Work towards being guilt free after eating what I want
  4. Exercise for the feeling rather than the calorie burn

Recovery is scary because:

  • You will eat more than you typically let yourself eat throughout the day
  • You will eat things that you typically would label as bad food
  • You will feel yourself gain weight and you will feel yourself want to exercise less

Recovery is amazing because:

  • You get to eat without a battle of¬†whether your portion was enough or not
  • You get to eat foods that use to be bad and now is¬†just food
  • You get to exercise for fun and not for the calorie burn & your weight will even out

Similarities of past struggles:

Pot: I use to smoke a lot of pot. At first it was wonderful, I felt creative and happy while high. There came a point where I wanted to be high at all hours of the day. There was stress with money around that because of how much it costs. Then, there came a point where being high caused me great anxiety. This cycle happened twice. Today I no longer smoke, but I also don’t label pot as ‘bad’. I don’t label people who use it as ‘bad’ either. I just know that I no longer get from it what I want to. It’s no longer appealing to me.

The cycle was: I tried pot, I didn’t portion control my usage, I became anxious, I stopped because of the anxiety, and now it doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I didn’t restrict myself from smoking it.

Relationship: Billy, my first boyfriend. I restricted myself from admitting that I liked Billy a lot because, truthly, I knew he didn’t like me as much as I liked him. Our relationship caused a lot of stress and it was unhealthy. Resisting my feelings was a way of denial – you must really want¬†the object if you have to put effort into resisting it. My way of protecting myself from being hurt by him was to act like I was better than him. But, this restriction made me want him even more. The moment I became honest with myself and honest with him, I no longer restricted myself from how I felt about him. I embraced it. Once he told me how he felt, it really did hurt. And I allowed myself to feel that hurt. But now, the hurt isn’t as strong anymore.

The cycle was: I resisted my feelings towards Billy, the feelings only grew, once I embraced it and was honest to him and myself about it, the feeling subsided and I moved on to other things

Imagine this…

There is a huge bucket of water way up high above you. The only thing that is keeping it upright and contained is the rope that it’s tide to, held in place by you that is standing beneath it. You’re in control. You hold tightly onto that rope to stay dry because you are deathly afraid of being wet. At first, you are strong and are able to hold it off with zero effort. You feel good and happy where you’re standing. You keep it up because you’re afraid of getting sick. Others are dry so you must be dry too. So you stand there, holding onto that rope.

Until you begin to get tired. You begin to get weak. You start to notice that others, who are dry, are freely walking around, while you are stuck in place. In control of this bucket. Your arms become sore, your hands are stressed. You’re not enjoying life, standing still underneath that bucket anymore. But you continue to hold on, until out of your control, the rope starts slipping from your hands.

One day, you decided to just let go. The bucket tipped over and poured all it’s content onto you. Just as expected, the pressure from the water hit you like a tsunami, knocking you over. Water got into your nose, your eyes, it made you cough. You sink to the ground. Others walk around you, looking down on you as you’re soaked. Once the pain from the collision subsides, you slowly get up. The bucket is still above you, swinging back and forth. Your arms are a bit sore, but it’s already starting to recover.

But, now that you’ve let go, you’re free to walk around.¬†But, you are uneasy. You’re still a bit wet, and you almost forgot how to put one foot in front of the other. But you continue on. As the weeks went on, you begin to dry. You start to feel yourself become happy again. You start to forget about your time under the bucket. You are walking around freely just as others are walking around freely! You are in control. You come back to your bucket, still empty swinging in the wind. You hold on to the rope, but nothing is there to pull against anymore. You leave it, and walk on.

The bucket of water is the fear of weight gain, the ‘bad foods’, the disappointment, the judgements from others. You holding onto that rope is the control¬†you think you are exuding over the contents in the bucket. But really, the bucket is controlling you. The more effort you put into holding that bucket in place, the more tired you’ll become. Once you stop resisting those things, it will hit you and it may hurt. But you will learn that it isn’t that bad, and you will learn that the fear of those things are greater than the fear itself (thanks FDR).

The Process:

That long analogy above is similar to restricting yourself from foods that you love. I love junk food, I love candy, I love chocolate, I love meats, and I love cheese. I love it all. But I wasn’t allowed to because others called me fat, and others told me what I was eating was making me fat, and so I began to believe it. So the foods that I once loved, I was taught to hate.

I hated it for over a decade it feels like. But, the more I hated it and the more I resisted it, the more I wanted it. The more I binged and binged until I couldn’t feel a thing anymore. I was holding on to that rope so tightly afraid of the water in the bucket – afraid of the weight gain. But each time I restricted, I would binge just as strongly. So…. this week, I decided I needed to let go of the rope. I needed to feel the rush of the water hit me (gaining weight from eating what I want), and I will allow myself to dry off.

The method I’m using is similar to the Billy and Pot method. No more resisting how I feel about it, I will embrace it. I love all those foods I listed up above. The difference though, is I also love being active. I love how it makes me feel when I can do things with my body. This is where moderation comes into play.

I am very terrible at moderation. But excessive uses from anything is caused by the desire to restrict it. That feeling of ‘today I’ll go all out but tomorrow I’ll be better’. Let go of that control & of that restriction, let go of that judgement, and everything can be done in moderation.

Long story short – the more you resist yourself from liking and wanting something, the more you will want it. If you allow yourself to admit to wanting it and letting yourself have it, the desire will go away.

What You Resist, Persists

I lose myself in food because I hated who I was by about 7th grade onward. This is an open letter to no one and everyone:

I was never bullied. I didn’t get hit or ostracized. Marks weren’t left on my body, but bruises and scratches were committed on my self worth and body image. My body was not hit, but my heart and mind took a beating.

Growing up as a mixed Vietnamese girl, who had bones bigger than the norm I was the topic of poor body talk within the communities I was apart of. There’s so much in my past that is invisible to me – yet has affected me in ways that I can’t even imagine, that if I was aware of it, I might be better off. But that’s based on assumptions.

The point being, I was the subject of teasing growing up in the temple. I hated that place. It was filled with tiny vietnamese people who seemed to only carry judgement and hurtful remarks. I know not everyone was like that, and sometimes I think I only needed one person to throw me a rope, but no rope was thrown and I felt incredibly alone in the battle. I internalized it and turned it into something I truly believed in, that affects me to today – that I’m ugly and not good enough.

I was teased for being bigger. Remarks like, “You’re just as big as your mom”, or “You’re the youngest but the biggest”, or “Vien, eat this for me, your bigger so you can eat more”, or “Why can’t you be skinny like me, you can’t fit this costume”, god, I lived my Sundays in hiding. My mom forced me to go to a place where I would just get teased. Without a rope being thrown or tools to defend myself, I just soaked up all the comments up. Almost a decade later and I am still working through the scars they’ve left on my heart. I develop close relationships because close friends won’t judge me for how I look. I avoid groups because I’m trained to be put on the spot for the way I look. Temple really fucked me up.

This is the resentment I carry with me in my heart. By nature, I think I am outgoing. I use to want to play soccer, I use to want to be in dance with temple friends, I use to love hanging out with friends, but somewhere along the road, I stopped. Somewhere along the road, I let myself become isolated on a Saturday night. Driven to binge, and purge, and binge again.

How do I dig myself out of this hole that I allowed others to dig and put me in? Even forgiveness wouldn’t heal me, would it? Today I am fit and get less comments because I’m not around Vietnamese people. But if I were still overweight or still around Vietnamese people, that scar would be reopened again, and again… what would forgiveness do for me then?

I usually have a positive answer for problems I have in life, but this one, is the biggest hurdle I’ve ever had. Healing a deep wound without the help of those who put the wound there.

If I compared this to being shot, I wouldn’t care to be friends with the shooter, would I? If he shot me because he singled me out for whatever reason, it was not in my control. It was what he wanted to do. Once he shot me, I’m not going to run to him and beg for his approval. I would take the arrow out, and I would seek refuge elsewhere. I would recognize the decision the shooter made to shoot me, and judge him for his decision, rather than believing in the reason why he chose to shoot me. Perhaps therein lies tool that would have helped me then… it’s not too late, I can still use this tool now.

The belief system I had last night that led me to binge and purge was faulty thinking. So what if I was alone on a Saturday night, so what? What does that mean about me? It only means what I want it to mean. It only means what I allow myself to believe. Like I allowed myself to believe I was fat and uncool then. I just didn’t fit in

I didn’t fit in… I didn’t fit in anywhere.

What if I didn’t try to fit in? What if I just was me, and just observed things then, and now? Especially now? What you resist persists…

I resist not fitting in, I resist not being socially awkward, I resist wanting to be alone on a Saturday night, I resist foods that sounds delicious, I resist not being hurt by hurtful remarks. I’ve lived a life of resistance…

I’m not resisting anymore. Instead… I’m cooperating with who I am now… I’m not going to try to fit in or be liked. I’m not going to beat myself up for not having plans. I’m not going to stop myself from eating what I want to eat.

I’m going to start cooperating. It’ll be hard at first. But, this is my goal. To cooperate with my true self. I’m not fighting anymore.

I still need to practice getting out of my head. I will always need to practice this.. to be mindful. But I’m going to also start practicing cooperations with myself.

Tools to Move Forward With

What Went Well Yesterday:

  • I sat with boredom without binging
  • I played guitar and made music
  • I went to Jiu Jitsu
  • Although I binged, I drank a lot of water and didn’t eat as much as I could have eaten

What I’ll Work on Today:

  • Be mindful throughout the day
  • Be mindful when the urge hits
  • Be mindful when I feel negative thoughts seep in
  • Talk to people and hangout with friends
  • Meditate¬†through binging urges
  • Observe all thoughts as they come in, then let them go¬†(I’ve forgotten to do this lately)

Last night I binged. I felt the moment when my binge urges held on to negative talks. It was an eye opening experience. When there is no negative feelings, the binge urge has nothing to hang on to. It’s like taking a vitamin without any food, it has nothing to latch on to to make its affect. The negative feelings, though, must be caught after it pops up. It must be observed, then let go of. Without that observation and release, the negative thoughts rolls downhill, collecting other negative thoughts and making the ball of negativity even bigger until you forget to be mindful.

Although I binged, I feel I am still making my way towards breaking the cycle. Success isn’t linear, it has ups and downs, but it is going towards an upward direction.

If I were to examine yesterday’s happenings and what may have happened that led to the binge, I’ll expose:

  • Work: I felt uneasy throughout the day due to the fact that I didn’t put any hours into work
    • Although it was easy not to because management isn’t micro, I still feel the pressure of not using my time wisely and it biting me later on
  • BJJ: I got too caught up on the social aspect of the game. I took offense to something someone said or behaved and internalized it

If I were to repeat yesterday with what I plan to moving forward, I would have:

  • Work: Done my work despite no micro-management. There is a reason I felt uneasy. I would have done the work I laid out to do to avoid later feelings of uneasiness
    • When I apply myself – I often feel very good. It’s like practicing something you don’t have patience for, or doing something that requires mental exercise. It’s not fun to get started, but it’s fun amidst it. It’s more fun to challenge yourself than to do nothing at all.
    • Challenging yourself creates an accomplished feeling based off of effort, being stagnant creates an inadequate feeling even though you are adequate.
  • BJJ: I would have observed my thoughts that I had in response to external cues, without judging myself or identifying with what the thoughts were saying about me, then I would have let it go. Mindfully, I would have worked my way back into the task at hand.

In the rolling ball example from above, the first negative ball was formed when I felt uneasy about work. This led to mindlessness during BJJ which hindered me from being aware of my thoughts and feelings, and being aware to let these thoughts and feelings go. At this point, the ball was too big and the binge urge seeped its way into the ball. The ball needed to be broken with a binge.

What I learned:

  • Mindfulness throughout the whole day will help with mindfulness during moments where negative thoughts arise
  • Mindfulness is my protection

Meditation has taught me thoughts pop up randomly. All of positive, negative, and thoughts that make no sense at all. Binging likes to latch on to the negative thoughts and make it seem the most real, causing me to seek relief. Mindfulness will teach me that even those negative thoughts, that seem so real, are just uncontrollable thoughts. They’re just as useless.

Research:

  • Why are negative thoughts the most believable and persuasive?
    • All thoughts – positive and negative are not facts
    • Perhaps I shouldn’t seek why these thoughts are believable. Just as all thoughts are so random and sometimes senseless, negative thoughts are the same. What I should instead explore, is the strength to not believe them. And there is where the art of ‘observing & letting go’ comes into play
  • Why do you crave sugar after working out?
    • I need to look more into this, but from what I’m reading, post workout cravings happen because your body needs to replenish itself through carbs. Sugars are the quickest at this replenishing. Yesterday, after BJJ I was craving sugar. What I should have done was make myself a smoothie and added honey to it and call it good.¬†

Recap:

  • Practice mindfulness throughout the day
  • Observe all thoughts, both negative and positive, without judgement, then let them go
  • Be aware of cravings before and after workouts, give the body what it needs to work at the level you want it to work
  • Be aware of the Binge Ball – the ball the binges on negative thoughts that without observation and release, will collect other negative thoughts, until a binge is needed to break it apart

Today is a brand new day. My actions yesterday teaches me of what I want my actions today to be. Toodaloo!

 

 

Hello Diary, My Old Friend

I’m here to speak with you again….

What Went Well Yesterday:

  • I volunteered to design a newsletter for TAG slog & it turned out pleasant
  • New work at work gives me excitement, makes me realize I don’t like repetitive work
  • Went to no gi BJJ training for the first time and it was fun, I’m absolutely loving BJJ
  • Returned the pet harness with no hassle today
  • Got groceries and a better fitted harness for Chester
  • Went on a pleasant date – even though it’s not going to lead anywhere, I’m glad I experienced it
  • I put myself to bed with a bowl of cereal in light of my recent discovery about carbs and sleep

What I’ll Work on Today

  • Be mindful throughout the day and check in with myself
  • Be present while eating and not multi-task
  • Be more present during work and try harder on my tasks

Binge Eating Recovery:

  • Connect my post binge self with my current self. The more time passes in between binging and not binging, it’s easy to forget the pain that binging causes. I’ll remind myself everyday of the morning after anguish – the “I fucked up” feeling that I never want to have again
  • Compare the strong pull to other strong pulls I’ve had in the past. As simple as having a cigarette while driving or a coffee in the morning. I don’t do any of those anymore, the initial pulls were hard to refrain from. Once I truly realized the negative effects, it wasn’t as hard quitting.
  • Continue to¬†not¬†eat after 7:30 unless it’s a bowl of cereal or carb item to put me to sleep. Yesterday I had carbs for dinner so I really didn’t need the bowl of cereal, but it was good and I didn’t keep going.
  • Prove to myself and Jackson that recovery is truly possible. He is losing hope and is getting frustrated. I am going to stop this habit to prove to him that we can beat this.
  • Fake it until you make it – be that person that eats intuitively or normally. Even when you feel like binging, pretend you’re not someone with binge eating. Instead, your the average person who gets stressed and gets cravings from time to time. But that normal person doesn’t turn to mouth hoarding food for comfort. That person just lets the stress pass, gets bored, takes naps, and finds something to occupy their time/mind instead.

My Date:

We met at Yogurtini near the plaza, and then we went to Loose Park to talk. It was strange diving into a date with someone I’ve met on the internet and barely talked to. He was good at conversing and made me laugh quite a bit – but there was no spark. I think both he and I felt the lack of spark. We parted ways with a “hope to see you around”. ¬†I think that’s all I needed with online dating. It doesn’t feel like ‘me’. I’ll do my thing until Mr. Right shows up – I’m not going to go looking for him.

BJJ:

It’s becoming more and more welcoming, the more I come. Everyone that’s a regular has become dear to me – it’s pleasant to walk in and see familiar faces with the same motivations in this sport. I wore a loose shirt and loose pants. My shirt worked against me because it kept getting caught when my back was sliding on the mat.

There was so much sweat everywhere, but strangely, I didn’t care because I was sweating like a fountain too. I am going to try to make it everyday now and see where that takes me. Joey tells me he can tell I’m progressing quickly. Tonight is Gi night from 6:30 – 8.