Oops I Did it Again

I binged last night. I’m now at 141.5. I normally don’t track this but I want to know to see the full effects of binging.

I’ve settled on something, binging isn’t my problem. It’s my flare gun. It happens when I’m not feeling right and really need a pick me up. It comforts me and holds me when no one else is there to do so. The problem is what makes me want to binge.

What happened yesterday to cause the binging?

I’ve been feeling strange with my relationships, you know, the whole I hate everybody thing. It feels really good not to care in the moment, but yesterday I was overthinking so much. I felt really awkward with Pip. I have ill feelings there but since we live together, I can’t escape it and pretend to be cool. I’m not great a pretending so there’s just a lot of silences. I don’t know what to do there.

I left when she went into my room to chat a little. I got to Zman’s and was feeling down already because of the situation at home. I didn’t have any makeup on – which is fine but that added a little of insecurity. Then when I got the Zman’s, my high school crush Isaac was there. He does live there. Mia was back from Mexico, learning to be a scuba instructor. My head started going on and on about how Mia would be who Isaac wants and my thoughts completely destroyed me. I started acting really awkward and left shortly after I got what I needed.

On the drive home, I just kept thinking, perhaps my dad was in this position when he grew up and decided to really push everyone away till he just had his work to focus on. That scared me more than anything. I don’t want that. Instead, I want people around, it’s just people I connect with. People who are like me. I kept thinking how Isaac, Mia, Pip, WHF, and so many other friends who know who they are (at least I think so) but me, I am so split between different types of friends that I had to change myself for depending who was in the room.

When I got home, Lorence was in the kitchen, I started talking more. Lorence wasn’t very talkative. My head started punching me some more. I got into my dark room, the room I’ve spent so much time in and loneliness washed over me. Is this my life now? I have a kick ass job and I wish I could just enjoy my life and how great it’s set up now.

I think I will get there. But moments like these are what holds me back and realizing it will push me forward. A few pounds for a few growth spurts.

I no longer hate that I binge or think I’m abnormal. I love myself more than ever.

What should have I done yesterday?

  1. When I have these negative thoughts, stop and start paying attention to what’s going on in the moment
  2. Get ready for the day, everyday, either put efforts into your hair or face – not both as that would be caring too much… I just want to look decent enough to feel good
  3. In the moment I felt the craving, I should have notice that growing pain and started writing
  4. Find the balance with relationship – this is going to be ongoing

Something else to wonder is, why do I feel fine now? Where is the hunger pain? That type of craving occurs when I feel this…social panic.

  • I don’t feel this way with work, I’m doing well there.
  • I don’t feel this way with exercise, I’m getting stronger.
  • I don’t feel this way (anymore) with family relation, I am who I am.

I am who I am in all these arenas, so why not think that way when it comes to love and social relations?

  • I feel this way with social relations, they’re talking about me or thinking bad about me
  • I feel this way with love, I’m not loveable

These are my own thoughts – there are some evidence of smack talking but, most likely, it’s blown out of proportion in my head – causing me to hate everyone. I must learn the art of healthy gossip.

 

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Heart Flood

It’s pumping, speeding, and chasing fantasies.

I sent Dave an email… now I don’t know what to say next. Am I barking up a tree that I’m not ready for?

Was I suppose to sit back and wait for someone to notice and approach me? Is that more lady like?

I have no idea what I’m doing and what I’m chasing… but it sure feels nice to have a somebody new…until possibly rejection hits me again.

Or perhaps… I do know what I’m chasing, and running away from. I’m running away from unrequited feelings in chase of something brighter and more encouraging. It might take more sadness to get there though, and I don’t know what side Dave lays on. I just know I miss talking to someone – to the opposite sex. Is that desperate or is that human nature?

Vien – I love you…there is no right or wrong way to answer. Just, be and things will fall into place. It always has.

Heart and mind:

Heart: I’m dying

Mind: No you’re not

Heart: It feels like it, what’s wrong with me?

Mind: It’s just adrenaline

Heart: From where did it come from?

Mind: Well, yours truly reached out to Dave…

Heart: Why did you do that? I thought we agreed to be patient with things…

Mind: I know, I just have been thinking of time wasted. We’re just waiting here heart… nothing is happening.

Heart: You don’t know that. The point of waiting is because there possibly could be something good coming

Mind: So much uncertainty heart. We’re human, we want that connection, that someone to talk to…I don’t want you to grow cold.

Heart: How am I suppose to heal if he too rejects us?

Mind: I honestly don’t know. I don’t have an answer for it. But I would like to believe that we will be stronger for it and better than today.

 

 

Conversations of Heart & Mind

If you asked my heart what it wants to do in life, it will tell you it wants to live in creativity (music):

Mind: But, heart, how can we plan to write music as a legit hobby if we don’t even finish our songs completely?

Heart: We could finish our songs if you would get out of our way…

Mind: What do you mean?

Heart: Each time we start and semi finish, you stop because you start thinking of other people’s opinions..

Mind: This is true…

Heart: We love music, it’s a form of expression…you and I are very emotional people and music is our outlet… I guess the next question is…why do you want to share the music? Why can’t we just write and keep it private?

Mind: That’s a very good question… if we don’t share then no one can tell us what we already think, that we’re shit. Once that happens, we might be at a loss for what to do next. But, I want to share so that we can get that validation…that what we create is something others understand and connect with… without it, I feel a bit lost..what am I suppose to do with our lives?

Heart: It’s hard when you put out what you’ve worked hard on only to be told it’s not really good at all.

Mind: Yeah, that is really tough. I think that’s why you’re having a hard time shutting Billiam’s door…

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I gave my all to Billy, he says nothing in response… that is rejection in its purest form. I’m still alive, I’m coping. I can deal with rejection.

I can deal with rejection. 

Rejection is the prerequisite for success.

Mind: So you can’t get over Billiam because that was you putting your hard work out there only to be told it’s shit…well, not told even…basically your work was ignored…your feelings weren’t acknowledged. That sucks. That sucks for anyone…I’m sorry Heart.

Heart: Yeah, and I think that’s why I am trying so hard to change his mind…like, no, you got it wrong, I’m actually really great! Tell me I am great…

Mind: Perhaps you weren’t great, well, the proof is there that you weren’t. I was there to make sure you weren’t…I’m sorry heart. I don’t know why he didn’t like us, but perhaps I tried too hard to protect you. So maybe, it was me that wasn’t great. Heart, you are a wonderful thing whereas I, I am weak. I need to work on myself.

Heart: We’re in this together Mind, you did what you thought was right. I love you for that. Let us tackle life well together. I’ll be there to remind you to be honest, confident, and to be kind to yourself. You will be there to remind me to be strong when things don’t go our way and to continue to learn and grow.

Mind: Good deal, Vien, I love you.