Day 2 Morning Tracking

I woke up this morning without feeling guilty, even though I snacked last night. I put my sports bra on and intended to run with Chester in an effort to maintain the same activity level as I had before – running in the morning and BJJ in the evening.

I didn’t follow through though. The thought that went through my head was, ‘this isn’t sustainable’. I started thinking about the cycle that I get into, where running gets me hungry and training gets me hungrier. So I end up eating a lot. What I’m going to do is just train today, and maybe walk cheeto and chester before class.

I’ll continue to eat freely today, no undoing of yesterday’s snacking, no starting over, no off limits or forbidden foods. I will continue to take note of how I feel. Last night, after snacking, I felt kind of bleh. I do notice my energy levels declining, and I think it’s because I stopped eating super clean. I added carbs back into rotation too.

It’s about sustainable health (across changes in environment & plans), maintaining a healthy weight, and a healthy relationship with food as well as exercise. 

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Day 1 of Freedom Eating

I’ve been eating what I want, and snacking when I feel like it. Although I do this, it is not guilt free. I still get the feeling that I need to eat better tomorrow to not gain weight. But, I’m not going to. I’m going to continue what I’m doing. Cravings can be controlled and I proved it while at a Mcdonald’s drive through just now. Prior to that, I felt hungry so I ventured into the kitchen and snacked on a bunch of treats, sugars, and pancake. Not a full blown binge, but grazing. After that we decided to go to Mcdonalds in which I ended up not ordering anything because I really wasn’t hungry and nothing sounded too good.

This was because I was eating when I wanted to throughout the day and snacking more often.

Feeling wise – I feel less stress from not having a strict structure or obsessing over ‘bad foods’ that I crave or had. I do feel not as energized, I feel bloated too, which isn’t great.

Goal addition: I want to keep the guilt free feeling but remove the bloat, weight gain in my chin feeling.

I think the more I allow myself to eat and the less I pressure myself to undue the damage, the less urges I’ll have to binge. I’m crumpling the structure I have around food while maintaining my activity structure. 

If this type of eating results in massive weight gain or a complete crash/decrease in exercise motivation, my next trial is to either eat only when I’m hungry (without food restriction).

My ultimate goal is to be able to hit my weight goal by being free from binge eating and food restriction and maintaining a healthy active lifestyle.

One Month of Intuitive Eating (Vien’s Style)

I am back on this wagon (Vien’s style because I didn’t read a book about it). My goal is to normalize foods that I have engrained as off limits in my subconscious. I am prepared to gain a bit of weight because I will be eating fatty & greasy foods I kept myself away from for so long.

Method: I will allow myself to eat whatever I want in order to de-value the food. This follows the idea of supply & demand as well as what you resist persists. What I’ve been operating on is the scarcity I’ve allowed myself to eat ‘bad foods’. Although I’ve lost weight so far, it may not be sustainable because I am drawn to the limited supply of foods that I truly want. This leads to binging on these forbidden foods.

Initial Stages: I am expecting to gain a bit of weight. Not substantially as I will still keep my activity levels high.

Challenges: I will experience negative cycles where I am gloomy about the weight gain, and I will question myself if this is the right action to take. There will be challenges in understanding my body’s cues. And because of that, there will be days where I eat much more than others, possibly unnecessarily.

Tools to Stay the Course: Mindfulness, meditation, & exercise will continue to be in my constant daily activity. For every moment of panic I have about what it means to gain weight, I will pull myself out of that mindset. I will remind myself that healing takes time & it isn’t linear. I’m not giving up, I am starting a trial to find errors. This isn’t about others and their views (it’s been this way for so long now), this journey is about me and my relationship with food.

Long Term Goal: I will no longer have binge eating disorder. I will have de-glorified forbidden foods. I will be able to treat myself to any foods, when I want, and stop when my body tells me it had it’s fill – even if there are still food on the plate. I will have taught my body that there is no food scarcity and that I can have more in a little bit, or have more tomorrow and be ok with it. I will maintain a healthy weight that sustains my active lifestyle. I want to eat 80% to live out the life I want and eat 20% for pleasure.

Education: During this journey, I will continue to educate myself on effects different foods have on my body. Already, I notice that rice does not keep me full for long. I notice that eating eggs with veggies in the morning kept me full for most of the morning. I notice I crave so much sugar after a big workout

Where I’m at Now: I am gaining a bit of weight, I am a bit uncontrolled with eating sweets (I ate quite a bit at midnight last night on Easter chocolates). I had rice and pork for most of the day. I felt hungry the whole day, possibly due to eating rice. Mentally, I am still consumed by the fear of weight gain but am hopeful about my plan of action. I am planning on reading a book about the Ketogenic Mediterranean Diet that I picked up before I decided to go intuitive. I hope to gain information about foods and effects from this book without intending to go keto.

I recognize that I am an active person and I enjoy sports. It’s play to me. Somewhere along the road, I developed a skewed view of how I feel about myself. My self-esteem & my self-worth, my potential and my competence were all put under a microscope by me. I wasn’t born that way. I wasn’t born hoarding food for comfort. I want to get back to that person that is ok with leaving food behind and knowing I can have it whenever I want – the key is growing in terms of what I want. I don’t want to live a strict lifestyle. I want to enjoy foods with friends and family. I want to live.