What You Resist, Persists

I lose myself in food because I hated who I was by about 7th grade onward. This is an open letter to no one and everyone:

I was never bullied. I didn’t get hit or ostracized. Marks weren’t left on my body, but bruises and scratches were committed on my self worth and body image. My body was not hit, but my heart and mind took a beating.

Growing up as a mixed Vietnamese girl, who had bones bigger than the norm I was the topic of poor body talk within the communities I was apart of. There’s so much in my past that is invisible to me – yet has affected me in ways that I can’t even imagine, that if I was aware of it, I might be better off. But that’s based on assumptions.

The point being, I was the subject of teasing growing up in the temple. I hated that place. It was filled with tiny vietnamese people who seemed to only carry judgement and hurtful remarks. I know not everyone was like that, and sometimes I think I only needed one person to throw me a rope, but no rope was thrown and I felt incredibly alone in the battle. I internalized it and turned it into something I truly believed in, that affects me to today – that I’m ugly and not good enough.

I was teased for being bigger. Remarks like, “You’re just as big as your mom”, or “You’re the youngest but the biggest”, or “Vien, eat this for me, your bigger so you can eat more”, or “Why can’t you be skinny like me, you can’t fit this costume”, god, I lived my Sundays in hiding. My mom forced me to go to a place where I would just get teased. Without a rope being thrown or tools to defend myself, I just soaked up all the comments up. Almost a decade later and I am still working through the scars they’ve left on my heart. I develop close relationships because close friends won’t judge me for how I look. I avoid groups because I’m trained to be put on the spot for the way I look. Temple really fucked me up.

This is the resentment I carry with me in my heart. By nature, I think I am outgoing. I use to want to play soccer, I use to want to be in dance with temple friends, I use to love hanging out with friends, but somewhere along the road, I stopped. Somewhere along the road, I let myself become isolated on a Saturday night. Driven to binge, and purge, and binge again.

How do I dig myself out of this hole that I allowed others to dig and put me in? Even forgiveness wouldn’t heal me, would it? Today I am fit and get less comments because I’m not around Vietnamese people. But if I were still overweight or still around Vietnamese people, that scar would be reopened again, and again… what would forgiveness do for me then?

I usually have a positive answer for problems I have in life, but this one, is the biggest hurdle I’ve ever had. Healing a deep wound without the help of those who put the wound there.

If I compared this to being shot, I wouldn’t care to be friends with the shooter, would I? If he shot me because he singled me out for whatever reason, it was not in my control. It was what he wanted to do. Once he shot me, I’m not going to run to him and beg for his approval. I would take the arrow out, and I would seek refuge elsewhere. I would recognize the decision the shooter made to shoot me, and judge him for his decision, rather than believing in the reason why he chose to shoot me. Perhaps therein lies tool that would have helped me then… it’s not too late, I can still use this tool now.

The belief system I had last night that led me to binge and purge was faulty thinking. So what if I was alone on a Saturday night, so what? What does that mean about me? It only means what I want it to mean. It only means what I allow myself to believe. Like I allowed myself to believe I was fat and uncool then. I just didn’t fit in

I didn’t fit in… I didn’t fit in anywhere.

What if I didn’t try to fit in? What if I just was me, and just observed things then, and now? Especially now? What you resist persists…

I resist not fitting in, I resist not being socially awkward, I resist wanting to be alone on a Saturday night, I resist foods that sounds delicious, I resist not being hurt by hurtful remarks. I’ve lived a life of resistance…

I’m not resisting anymore. Instead… I’m cooperating with who I am now… I’m not going to try to fit in or be liked. I’m not going to beat myself up for not having plans. I’m not going to stop myself from eating what I want to eat.

I’m going to start cooperating. It’ll be hard at first. But, this is my goal. To cooperate with my true self. I’m not fighting anymore.

I still need to practice getting out of my head. I will always need to practice this.. to be mindful. But I’m going to also start practicing cooperations with myself.

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Home is Where the Heart is…

Where is your heart if you don’t desire to go home as I?

I learned something this holiday break. My routine was broken when Karen, Kristina, and Jake went home. I felt… really lonely. Now that they’re home, the duplex seems alive again… It’s the strangest thing.

This weekend has been filled with old sad feelings and binging on food. I spent all of Sunday alone and half of today the same. I took myself to Cong’s to spend time with Lily and his family, and to get out of the house. I took the pups with me. Holiday time is harder because it reminds me that I don’t have my ‘own home’ yet. It’s made me realize how much I do want to have a family, but it also made me realize I can’t have one until I learn to love others beyond myself. How I know I’m ready is if these weekends, filled with feelings of loneliness, self pity, and food binging don’t happen again. I can’t love my child until I get pass the effects of the lonely ache.

I am not upset with myself for binging on food. It’s natural for me to fill myself with that in place of the fulfillment from others. It’s a cry for something is missing, and something is missing. But, I don’t know what to do about it. What if it’s ingrained in me? What if it’s a part of my DNA?

I guess the way to solve the issue is to recognize it and its effects, and do things I know will help deter unhealthy habits. I can look at what did go well this weekend and what I would do different next year:

What went well?

  1. I got great gifts for people
  2. I spent a lot of time with Lily
  3. I had a warm house

What will I do different?

  1. On Christmas day, accept friends invite to hang with their family or volunteer

I read an article about creating your own tradition if you don’t follow everyone elses’. Volunteering every Christmas can be a good tradition for me to start for myself.

I must reflect on the realization that my world seemed to self destruct when my roomies went back home. Why is that? I didn’t go to the dance class I planned on. I started to think myself crazy for wanting to do all these things.

I’m glad the holidays are over, though.. I must work on this ache in preparation for next year. I can’t expect for it to be gone, but I can prepare for it. I can be smart and actually plan for it to visit rather than denying that it will make an appearance. Now I know it will.

Day 3

I’m crying again. Thinking of him. It hurts in my heart. I dropped Z-Shan off this morning and realized something that might expose something deeper in my insecurities and may explain why I think Billy is the only one. During the ride, I felt like I had to entertain, I felt like I was boring compared to other people. It’s why I’m still single. I stopped myself from bashing myself too much and becoming too awkward but was still highly insecure.

Why do I feel I am less than? Why do I judge myself on others energy around me? Why do I judge myself harshly? I tried starting the convo and he responded but didn’t try to start the conversation. Why did I immediately take offense to it?  I don’t have the answers, but I know I shouldn’t be doing that to myself. I know I felt it deep in my heart – a certain ache of “you’re not enough” even though I know I am. I know it’s not logical and it doesn’t have to be this way. I am enough.

I felt this way yesterday when I was in a group setting. I just don’t feel like what I have to say is valuable, and what I do have to say is so laced with wanting to say what others hear, or making a joke. I want to form my own opinions and not think of me in a group setting. instead, I just want to be. First step is realizing it, second step is really feeling the pain that focusing on that insecurity brings, third step is to learn to live with it, and maybe one day, step four it will be gone. I think once I lose that insecurity, I’ll lose my love for Billy. I’ll miss our chemistry, but at least, I’ll be more inviting and more myself so that love is more welcomed.
Being with Billy was easy because he was socially awkward. Anything I said or do, I felt cool around him. He was easy to make laugh, and I laughed often around him. I also felt unwanted and unimportant when I was with him too. He gave me a sense that I was just enough to be on his plate. And because my self esteem was and still is a bit low, that was and may still be enough for me.

But I don’t want it to be. I know I’ll be miserable day in and day out if we were together if the same issues arise. I always think the grass is greener on the other side, but I know that it rarely is. Him loving someone else adds to the feeling that I’m not enough. I already question myself enough, I shouldn’t let others who make me feel like I am not enough, around me.

What am I wanting to be enough for?

  • other’s love

I think that’s all I’m pining for. Genuine love for me. Because… I don’t feel it for myself yet. The reason why I seek to dive into hobbies is to find a community, I want to flourish in the community and feel seen and heard. I’ll have this to fill me up when I feel down on myself.

So anyways. This week has been a little depressing. Yesterday I spent the entire time writing a song about this heartbreak instead of getting work done. Today, I must get good work done, it’s hard to focus, but I will.

I may go home and work from Cong’s house. Ashly and Lily will be there. Even though I don’t know if it’ll make me feel better, a change of scenery and a smiling face and a beautiful baby may brighten me up.

Daily Digest #3

My days have become gentle and routine. My dog is eyeing me, wagging his tail with every move I make. He’s gotten use to our daily dog park trips. My comforter is white, and it makes that crisp sound I love when I shuffle it. I have Spotify playing the Deep Focus channel. I’m in bed with a bed table for my lap top and mouse. Cheeto is snoring, nestled to my right. It’s bright out, my window is completely open to the world as the blinds fell off a long time ago. My days are gentle. I don’t cry like I use to, and when I do, it’s alright. I haven’t had jammed packed weekends like I use to. I sit in the still of my room on most days. The little ache I felt every time I was left alone is slowly dulling away. I’m becoming my own friend. I worry, sometimes, that I am changing for the worst. That this remote job is changing me in a way that’s making me anti-social, conceited, and so on. But then I ask myself, do I really feel that way? Do I feel anti-social, conceited? The answer is, most of the time I don’t like to spend with other people unless they know me and when I do get big headed I really try to stop it. What am I so worried about?

I am worried that my skillset is replaceable and I’ll lose everything I have going on. This isn’t a stupid concern, it’s very realistic. But, it’s also a gamble. It may or may not happen. The best thing to do is be the best you when you need to and give yourself slack when you need it.

Men…

I worry about this as well. You see, this trainer, I don’t know if he looks at me or not, but for some reason, I feel him looking. Plus with what Charlotte said, that he seemed more interested in me, plus his efforts to talk to me that one day… I don’t know where it’s going. I don’t make efforts to talk with him, or even look at him. This morning I felt myself being too harsh. I question if I would be this oblvious to anyone else’s presence. Why am I avoiding it so? I’m expecting him to ask Charlotte out, or refocus his attention on another girl, I’m ready for that disappointment.

But strangely, I ask myself, do I want him to focus on me? I don’t have a one word answer.

I don’t want to give my love easily anymore. I don’t know if that’s what the right thing is, but it’s the outcome the past. Its strict purpose, though, is to be realistic. I have a long way to go physically that I don’t think I can be 100% comfortable naked yet. There are parts of my body that I want to accept as me before I ask anyone else to accept it. If I give him eyes, it would feed my hopes, and make me starve for his affection…in which I will find only a substitute feeling – binging. It boils down to that.

Say these changes I’m making are for the better, and I begin to actually become more attractive to the other sex, what do I do with the attention? How do I talk to them? How do I not lead them on? How do I not get attached?

Right now I don’t reach out to anyone other than my first day buddy. Which I must stop as I have a little crush on him and he is in a relationship. His friend, our coworker, I believe has a thing for me as he was pretty forward about saying I’m the complete package (teasing of course). I was a little curious about him, but I don’t think I’m going to pursue that – he doesn’t have it. I should probably stop thinking too much on it as it’ll give me  a big head… but on another day, it is a serious question. I don’t know who to be or how to be. I hope this period provides me an answer to that question. Because, if I have an answer to that question, that means I’ve discovered who to be and how to be – I’ve realized myself by spending time with myself successfully. If I don’t have an answer for that it means I haven’t fully realized myself yet.

At least that’s my theory.

Anyways, at the gym this morning I did the stairmaster, row, pushups, situps, squats, and sprints. I sweated profusely on the stairmaster. I became lazier as the workout continued. Trainer was there, I barely looked at him and he at me. But at one point we were within 5 feet of each other. Who’s going to be the first to break? Am I going to hear it from Charlotte that he thinks I’m weird because I don’t say anything in the mornings to him? I don’t because he’s with clients or he’s too far away.

Alright, I must get back to work… I’ve yet to start campaign writing. My goal today is to write through Monday & knock out another design. Tomorrow, I’ll schedule Tuesday and knock out another design.

Ok – what’s knocking me off my balance is that Barbara is talking to me like normal now, Charlotte is and this new colleague and I are having a little small talk. I’m liking it too much – it’s what I use to want. But I can’t let that deter me from reaching my goal of being an honest communicator, not fishing for compliments, and not a lonely communicator. I’m ok without talking to anyone all day long, I’ll just be more focused on work that way. I am so productive when I am zoned in like that. Anyways… today is strange.

I’ve been lackadaisical with my workout this morning and with work today. I don’t like it, I know I get this way from time to time. But it’s a pre cursor to binging and feeling guilty. So, I must be patient with relationships and maintain my goals.

 

OMG

I just felt a huge pang of emotion… and following that are thoughts and feelings and reflections of my past wanton actions… and now I’m questioning my worth…

But I don’t feel like binging, I feel like figuring out why I feel this way and how to correct it.

Ok – the company hired new people, girls. I immediately felt, I wish there was another word for it, jealous. I was already thinking they were prettier, or just better all around. On the company trip, I felt like the new girl. This made me realize, I’m no longer the new girl. And that’s ok.

There will always be more prettier, nicer, smarter, more skilled, more dignified, and charming girls. I am completely far away from that. I feel ashamed now, because I realized, on the company trip, I was so big headed. I thought I was the bell of the ball with my red turtleneck and close fitted dress. In the moment, I felt like I had to show off, to be that girl, to get attention. But now, in retrospect, as I imagine a new set of girls coming in, all much more of what I’ve listed, are now the bell of the ball. And that’s ok, because maybe that’s their thing. I tried it, and it wasn’t my thing. I ended up messing around which resulted in a possible spoiled reputation and a +1 in the rejection scoreboard.

All my life I wanted to shine and to be loved. What I’ve learned is that it takes a lot of work to be that girl – and it has to take someone who is genuine in what it takes to actually be that girl. I’m not that girl. I envy that girl.

Today I truly realize, I’m not that girl. And right now it makes me feel a bit down, especially as I tread through this shameful/guilty feelings thinking of my past actions. I hold onto the past so that I can recreate the feelings of when I was that girl. 

Why do I care to be that girl?

Right now it’s livelihood. I think I have to be that girl to keep my lifestyle – work from home with a flexible schedule. Here’s the thing… this is completely out of anyone’s control. I might lose the job from something unexpected like the CEO was smuggling something something and got caught and the company went under. What I need to do, if this is a legit concern is spend time (when I’m bored and just want to eat) learning something that can create a backup if this job falls through. 

*I want to keep in mind, my lifestyle is what I like right now.  I know it is subject to change as I change with time.

That girl gets the guy. At least that’s what t.v. tells me. I think it’s natural to want to be what guys want so that you end up with someone. It feels good being with someone who understands you, who can make you laugh (vice versa), who is good for you, and doesn’t bore you. Maybe I’m pretty particular. That’s something I’m learning about myself these days. My binging personality does not care if the chicken strip is cold, she will eat it and want more. I like this side of me because it keeps me open minded. But it also leaves me choosing guys that don’t make me feel all those things. My cold self that I am trying to keep alive, the self that is 135 lbs. and smiling is picky. She actually takes time to taste and will put the fork down if she doesn’t like it, but she can come off as an asshole (which I’ve admitted that I am – just need to control it for friendship/family sake), she isn’t flirtation and is more cognisant of who she lets in.

When I exercise, I am more so my binge self. The binge self keeps me going because it’s seen me get up a million times before while my cold self starts feeling overly confident and big headed by thoughts that I let roll on too long. Downfall of having an imagination… I am working on controlling it though.

So I need my binge and cold self to work together. My past motivations were to be the bell of the ball and wanted, it’s no longer that. My current motivation is to be motivated to focus on anything as much as I was at finding love . Well not anything… it has to mean something to me. I already admit that I’m not a saint, I’m a pretty shitty person so I’m not always going to say or do the right things. I’m going to be selfish but I will always try and be honest. I guess exploring meaning is a motivation. Especially what happens as I feel any sort of emotion, such as jealousy from this morning. Why feel jealous? And is that answer reasonable enough to maintain the feeling? Such as I felt jealous because I was kind of slutty and thought I was hot shit on the companies meet up. Ok.. why did you think you were hot shit?

Cold self:

  • I lost a lot of weight
  • I like my reflection
  • I looked good in my outfit
  • Felt like I got a lot of eyes

Ok this is as honest as I can get with my vanity. But then this gets me really insecure:

Binge Self:

  • Still have mushy skin and loose boobs
  • My gap and big nose isn’t perfection
  • I don’t look good all around
  • It’s mainly makeup and efforts on hair
  • Getting eye contact isn’t really that hard

Where is the warm self? The mixture of these two extremes…

What would have the warm self, the self that mentally give itself Tulips as a way to forgive itself when it knows it’s being too unkind, or too conceited, or too assholish, or too much of anything. It forgives itself and reminds itself that:

  1. Refocus on the moment
  2. Every thought that just freaked you out isn’t grounded in reality and has no weight
  3. Other’s thoughts, behaviors, and actions don’t have to affect you, keep doing you
  4. What would you do if you didn’t feel badly?

So my warm self, on the company trip, wouldn’t have worn the red shirt, much too sexy, as well as the dress. Well, no, my warm self can wear those things. But my warm self wouldn’t be surprised when she gets attention and would have turned down the invitation to go to his bedroom knowing that it isn’t a declaration of love but a validation of something you, today, know. You don’t have to settle or give any parts of you that you don’t want to because there will be more. I’m not sure who, but I know there will be more that would be much more of a fun time compared to this person who doesn’t seek monogamous love… from you. As much as that hurts to admit, don’t use their rejection as validation on your negative self talks and just keep doing you. It might be true, it might not, it’s just not worth the bother in figuring out.

You don’t have to prove it, you just are. And someone will notice it. If no one does notice it…then maybe this century wasn’t meant for you. Live it out and wish for a better reincarnation.

How do I let go of feeling anxiety for the future? I imagine GFW giving his attention to another girl. Which, I don’t have a lot of feelings for him, but that embarrassment is going to be real..I’m going to need to give myself lots of tulips then..and even so I don’t think I’d feel much better… I have to face the reality that they are going to move on and I should to, no looking back. No need for it. I think of what others would think… how they would sympathize or laugh at me.

  • if they did, so what?
    • people will devalue me
  • If so what?
    • nothing… I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing

What matters most is what you think of you. When this happens, you’ll know how much you’ve grown since the last time you met everyone. You’re afraid he’s going to do something that you were nervous people would judge you for… going with another person. But for him, you don’t think of him as a slut like you think yourself. You think, oh then people will think I wasn’t worth it, or I must feel bad that he didn’t chose me, blah blah.

See…I’m spending too much time on this. I need to stop blabbering about this nonsense and get actual work done.

OK OK

Recap of my rant:

-Tulip for my feelings of jealousy and wanton behavior

-Realized I don’t have to be the bell of the ball

-Realized being yourself is much more fun than trying to be the bell of the ball

-It’s ok to binge, but if I can try to use other preventative strategies and tools, try that first

-Think about plan b to sustain lifestyle if this job is lost

-Don’t look for things to try to hold on to because you are most likely going to find yourself gripping something that’s not real yet you can’t let go. Note the loss and move on. It’s ok to lose. 

-Stop blabbing and really focus on getting work done. Timely

 

Keep Writing

When things go well, I stop writing. So I stop reflecting, which means things will go wrong again. So this post is my effort to write even when I didn’t feel like it. To be honest, I wasn’t going to write until I noticed myself freaking out, again, about my social relationships.

How I’m feeling today:

Overall, I am feeling good. I am a bit sick still (had it since coming back from Nola). I am exercising well, I think, but am also eating more. I was losing weight really rapidly so I am giving into my cravings a bit more now. I fear it may stomp my weight loss, but I think the intensity of my workouts since Wednesday night has been good. Here’s a breakdown:

Wednesday: Long walk around the city, spin class + ablab (with Charlotte) at 6pm.

Thursday: Walked around the track for 30 minutes, swam laps (most number of laps done!), did the elliptical for 30 minutes.

Friday (today): Walked for 10 minutes, ran (intensity progressed), I was tired by the end of it. I then rowed (not as intense) for 15 minutes.

So exercise is good. My food intake, though, is what will be challenging. I acknowledge that I lost all this weight quickly because Dylan was a motivation. Now that I’m a bit more confident, and am not in need of his validation, I am craving more. What is the proper balance?

My ideal goal is to continue to lose weight, I would like my stomach to lose it’s mush at the very least. From there, it will be maintenance. I still feel overweight, I want to try to rid that feeling. Then I wonder, what will be my next vain obsession?

Goal ~ I would like to not have one

Update on hating everyone:

I am pretty cordial with most now. I am fighting between saying what people want to hear, and saying what’s only productive for the conversation. It’s a tug of war. I am on good terms with Barb. I stay positive and genuine in my conversations with her – but, no longer will I let her in.

I am on good terms with Charlotte for the time being. I was just reminded of why I don’t divulge too much with her is she is the quickest to throw in her 2 cents of negativity to any topic of conversation that really isn’t up for debate. For example: Me: I might go to downtown for Halloween Her: Downtown, not a fan. Now, my old reply would be “Me: Yeah, it gets pretty crazy”and her words would affect me negatively without me know. But now, I’m writing about it… and I’m analyzing it. Which I wasn’t intending to, this was going to be a rant about Charlotte…

This ties to my social rule of: Don’t let opinions of others affect you. 

Don’t let others opinions have an affect on you. Yes, people will talk smack and you will care a little bit, just don’t let it affect you as a person. Keep doing what you’re doing.

– Taken from old post: https://aimforaverage.wordpress.com/2016/10/26/137-lbs-my-god/

So, she has the right to react how she wants and say what she wants, I have the right to react the way I want. Do I try to change her mind or state my own opinion. Stating my own opinion should be the route. But, we go into heated back and forths when I state my opinion and don’t back down. Then I feel as if I were too harsh somehow. But, we’re still friends so I guess she doesn’t mind. Maybe it’s not a bad thing, growth will happen, right?

Next Steps:

I have lots of work to do and on a bit of a deadline. I also must start the ATM page tomorrow, devoting most the day to it. I cannot let frustration distract me as it has this morning.

Reminders to self even though you hate everyone:

Don’t be cocky and insensitive. You can be honest without being cocky or insensitive. If you can’t separate them, then you are a next level shitty person.

Lose the chip on your shoulder. Most thoughts that boost your ego are self created, unnoticed by most, and not based on proven facts.

All in all, don’t be overzealous when you see success. Let your results do the talking and let the people do the questioning. Don’t seek attention.

I can’t log out without talking about love. I was able to push that out of my mind for a few days, then I masturbated, then I started getting all “in want” of that feeling. Plus, I’m to start my period any day now. So I’m chalking all this up to hormones. After it’s done (period gone) I’ll be back to the self that doesn’t want it. All this growth can’t happen with a guy in my life right now, that’s 100% the truth.

 

 

Bridges on Fire, It’s Happening

It’s getting hot, almost too hot to bear. I’ve lost Barb and I’ve lost Charlotte. I’m feeling myself distancing from Lorence and Pip. I don’t know what’s going to happen or if my job is at stake because of our cold shoulder towards each other, Barb and I. I’m not incredibly sad, at times a little lonely, but I’ve always felt that regardless. This time, I won’t have people to fake the feeling with. Maybe that’s better. Maybe I’ll find people who I don’t have to fake the feeling with. Who knows. Maybe I don’t hate everyone, just some – or most.

Is this the point where my life crashes and burns? Because I am seemingly cold to people? I’ll update you later…

With Charlotte – she needs me emotionally and I’ve given all I’ve can. I am not who she needs in a friend. I’m too honest, too advisable when unwanted. But that’s who I am. Should I change or should we bid each other fair well and accept the roles we’ve played in each others lives? Maybe me letting her go will in a way push her to do what she always wanted, to prove me up. Or maybe I was suppose to be positive even though anything I suggest, she most likely will make me feel silly for it. I didn’t like feeling that way anymore, so I stopped trying to help because I truly can’t.

With Barb – she got me my current job, but she adds a layer of stress into my life. That is harsh and selfish coming out, but it’s true. I did what I thought best in repaying her, but there comes a point where I can’t live in the same stress she lives under. She was pulling me under her cloud until I became short to break away. I don’t want to freak out over things I normally wouldn’t freak out over, I don’t want to think about gossips and social hierarchy being the true hierarchy when it comes to career success as she has me believing. It may be true, but I enjoyed living in oblivion. I think. I just couldn’t anymore, at least for now. As if I had a choice.

Those are the two main relationships that I feel are coming to an end.