My Little Jester and the Letter

Meet Jester, my four month old lab mixed with *I think* pointer.

I adopted him from Unleashed pet rescue in Mission, Kansas. I had no intentions of adopting a puppy but he snagged my heart the moment he walked in slowly with his forehead leading the way and his puppy eyes looking up at Hana and I.

He came from a foster home where his parents were kept and he was the only of his litter to not be adopted.

I took him to Penn Valley Dogpark yesterday with, his older brother. At first he was timid and afraid of the other dogs, but sporadically he would burst into play with dogs his size. He’s going to be a fun little guy.

I am hoping that he becomes a big guy, but judging by the size of his paws, he might be lab size or a little smaller. I have full intentions of socializing him enough to where he is comfortable with playing with other dogs.

_____________________________________________________

Luke left a letter on my windshield the day I adopted Jester. Not yet a week since we broke up. It almost deterred me from going through with adopting. My mind was waffling – should I get back with him? Is adopting a dog just a way to fill the void? Am I making a huge decision too impulsively?

The letter he wrote filled the front and 1/3 of the back of the paper. His handwriting was small and straight on the paper. He wrote that he missed me and he dreamed of me. He wrote he realized why we broke up and what I was trying to say. That he understood what I meant by wanting someone more encouraging and energetic.

Perhaps I should have just discussed it with him before breaking up. But the issues I had seemed more characteristic driven, not something I would want to change in someone if that’s not them.

In attempts to discuss before, he got defensive and shrugged his shoulder saying “that’s how I am”.  That’s a common theme with him, he gets defensive when I point out something with him. Even at my request for him to not follow cars too closely because the stopping and going made me nauseous he was defensive about, like “I can’t drive any other way”. But, he did drive slower and was more mindful.

I acknowledge my tendency to point things out and it could get annoying, and I’ve talked to him about it. But, still, there are times I feel I should be able to point things out and we can talk about it rather than him just shrugging his should passive aggressively and say ‘that is how I am’. He did adapt to what I wanted, but it was done without the intention of being kind.

In one of our bigger arguments, he yelled loudly at me, reminding me of a child not getting his way, that I always nit pick him and have issues with ‘everything’ he does when he never nit picks me. It is true that he never does me, and the fact that he felt I had an issue with ‘everything’ he did is sign enough that our joint path was not going to work. At least right now.

We started arguing, he yelling at me, I probably yelled at him. I demanded he drop me off and we didn’t spend the night together. That was one of our bigger fight, a battle of our characteristics and judgement of each other.

I’m painting him in a terrible light, mostly because I want to feel less guilty and regretful of our broken relationship. These were things, though, that were red flags to me. None of which makes him a bad person, but that us together was not a good match.

BUT, I’ll end the rant.

The letter was sweet, but I’m no fool to my indecisive emotions. I know what I want. I went through the adoption, and today is day 2 of having Baby Jester.

I intend to take Jester on his 2nd dog park trip this afternoon. Pictures to come!

Advertisements

Breakup Binge

As the title says, tonight I am having my breakup binge. I’ve been eating non-stop today. This morning I started light but, as it usually goes during these times, it gets heavy by end of day until I am uncomfortably full going to bed.

I’ve been single for four days now but I’ve been binging before the breakup. It’s my body’s way of telling me something is wrong. The issue I have is I don’t know how to make it feel right. Even working out and eating well seems like I’m pretending everything’s okay. Binging is quick gratification when I feel really down.

I don’t mind being single. I was single for years before I got together with Luke. I’m in mourning over our relationship. I was the one to end things for reasons I know in my heart was right, but I still grieve over our shared moments and guilty over breaking his heart.

So, I’m sitting here watching Leap Year with my roommate. I’ve had multiple serving of Pho and we just took a trip to the gas station. I got a chocolate donut, sour worms, and a monster beef jerky. The shame is to come but right now I feel ok.

 

Everytime I see something of Luke’s I get sad. I think of all the things he did for me and how thoughtful he is. But I remind myself of the constant doubt I felt and the hole he couldn’t fill because we weren’t on the same wave length.

This article below really helped me put into perspective why I broke up with him:

http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

I hope to be whole again. And not to rely on my addiction to feel good. I don’t know if that will every happen but at least I feel like I’m moving forward. That’s what is important.

 

Choices

He said before he met me, he knew what he wanted out of life. He just found a way to fit me in it. Then, he asked me the same.

“Do you know what you want out of life?”

I didn’t have an immediate answer.

“You don’t have to answer it. You just have to ask yourself, if I fit in it.”

That triggered another bought of tears, because, I didn’t know. His calmness and compassion towards my pain made it all the harder. I’ve been engrossed with thoughts of leaving him for a week now. And I couldn’t hide it on my face as we laid together.

What he wants out of life is a family to come home to after a hard day of work. He didn’t expect his wife to work if she didn’t have to, a comfy couch, and good television. A year ago, that would have been an exact answer of mine. But, my heart is yearning for something deeper now.

That unfulfilled room in my heart has been draining more and more each day.

“I am conflicted” I finally said after contemplating if tonight was the night,

“You are giving me your all and are in this 100% while I’m – ” it took me a couple tries to finish, “while I’m not certain about how I feel towards you. I’m not 100%”.

And suddenly, all the movies about a yearning that isn’t satisfied by the current partner makes sense (specifically Take This Waltz). I use to think, the unsatisfied partner stupid for wanting something they don’t have and ignoring the great qualities in someone they do have.

Luke has been nothing but kind and committed towards me. Thoughtful, a great listener, he loves dogs and cats as I do, he’s dependable, and he’s there. He doesn’t come with a lot of emotional baggage. He has compassion.

But I can’t fight off this feeling that we don’t speak the same language. I’m not talking about language in a conventional sense. I mean, when we talk, I don’t get a feeling that words can’t describe. I don’t feel passion. I don’t mean with sex, but with life.

Maybe it’s admiration I want to feel, or I don’t feel understood when we talk.

It boils down to his incurious nature. He only touches the surface of topics and is unable to dive deeper to explore more while I’m yearning for deeper conversation on the meaning of life and events.

Life is an exploration…but he’s content with just the surface.

So, I’m in a fight between understanding my feelings. Is it silly and too much of me to want more? Or do I follow my heart and let him go. Do I love him while we sit on the surface and I dive deeper alone into the intricacies of life knowing he’ll be waiting for my resurface? Or do I leave him and go in search for someone who is capable of diving with me?

Breaking up feels like any other challenge in life. In the beginning, you feel heated and certain it’s the right thing. Then when you’re at the brink of it, you falter and question if you can follow through and begin to question yourself.

I don’t have an answer for any of this and I don’t have any dramatic action planned. Time does have all the answers, but I’ll have to wait for her.