Remember This…

I’m glad I kept messages so I know what happened and how I felt if I am ever forced to question my actions in the future, and my resolve to letting him go was also questioned. To be direct, if he ever tries to guilt me for breaking off communication…

After he said no to commitment, I still texted him. I invited him to dinner when I was in New Orleans in October – that’s why we had dinner at Zocolo and why he sent the I had a good time text.

I then texted him, perhaps a week or two after for dinner. He responded, again, hours later with “I’m pretty lit from the chiefs game”. That combined with seeing pictures of his girl activites pushed me to change my number. Not so that he can’t reach me, it’s so I would stop waiting for that text from a number that’s embedded into my mind.

Why must it feel so good to ruminate about heartbreak? That’s my issue right now. Stop writing about it and start living! If I keep writing and questioning – I’ll live in a loop. Writing, too, can be a dangerous hobby.

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Charlotte

Ok.

Charlotte has made me feel like the guy in the relationship here. Perhaps I was insensitive to her needs to meet up. Here’s what happened:

Yesterday, I suggested we did spin today since I turned down her request for it yesterday. It was an unusual day with Baby Lily’s arrival. I remember asking if she wanted to today but didn’t remember her response. So, I went to the gym this morning. I needed to for my own reasons.

So, she’s feels her time is ‘undervalued’ and she was really looking forward to meeting up. I didn’t think she’d feel so because, not to point fingers but, we’ve both done our fair share of backing out when it comes to spin. This time, it was an honest mistake. In the past, she’s backed out of things that has made me not take serious our plans.

So I’m the bad guy here, because, I don’t want to say sorry over and over. I didn’t expect her to when she backed out of things. So…I don’t know what to text back that won’t upset her and would be the honest truth from me. The truth is, shit, I don’t know. It’s not a big deal?

Ok. Let’s break it down here:

it’s okay, I just don’t feel like my time is really valued when stuff like that happens. I was just looking forward to seeing you
When plans change, she feels her time isn’t valued. It may happen quite often. She was looking forward to catching up. She was being open and honest, I respect that. But, that’s just a train load of ‘did I do something wrongs’ waiting to hit me. So I don’t want to put any thought to it… at least for now. I need to get my work done.

WHF: It was good catching up with you yesterday (8:27 am)

I’ve got a lot of work to do today so I must stay focused.

  • Finish workload
  • Clean car
  • Pick Stephanie up from airport
  • Lunch with both Stephanies
  • Get money from bank and alcohol
  • Begin ATM site
  • Travel to Columbia

One thing I must learn and practice – share knowledge. Sometimes I feel threatened when others are learning what I only knew – it makes me feel less valuable. I don’t want to think that way. Sharing knowledge is how we got to where we are today. We stand on the shoulders of giants – and that’s a metaphor for knowledge shared.

What Time Were You Wanting To Meet?

I am suppose to meet up with WHF tonight. I know, baby steps right? This baby step is setting no expectation. My one single expectation was to have a good meal – but even that didn’t happen. I just had leftover chicken dumpling soup and expired pork. No one’s fault, a time was never set.

I don’t know if it’s still happening anyways. So, I’m starting on ATM right now… cracked open the HTML book. Wish me luck.

Heart Flood

It’s pumping, speeding, and chasing fantasies.

I sent Dave an email… now I don’t know what to say next. Am I barking up a tree that I’m not ready for?

Was I suppose to sit back and wait for someone to notice and approach me? Is that more lady like?

I have no idea what I’m doing and what I’m chasing… but it sure feels nice to have a somebody new…until possibly rejection hits me again.

Or perhaps… I do know what I’m chasing, and running away from. I’m running away from unrequited feelings in chase of something brighter and more encouraging. It might take more sadness to get there though, and I don’t know what side Dave lays on. I just know I miss talking to someone – to the opposite sex. Is that desperate or is that human nature?

Vien – I love you…there is no right or wrong way to answer. Just, be and things will fall into place. It always has.

Heart and mind:

Heart: I’m dying

Mind: No you’re not

Heart: It feels like it, what’s wrong with me?

Mind: It’s just adrenaline

Heart: From where did it come from?

Mind: Well, yours truly reached out to Dave…

Heart: Why did you do that? I thought we agreed to be patient with things…

Mind: I know, I just have been thinking of time wasted. We’re just waiting here heart… nothing is happening.

Heart: You don’t know that. The point of waiting is because there possibly could be something good coming

Mind: So much uncertainty heart. We’re human, we want that connection, that someone to talk to…I don’t want you to grow cold.

Heart: How am I suppose to heal if he too rejects us?

Mind: I honestly don’t know. I don’t have an answer for it. But I would like to believe that we will be stronger for it and better than today.