Life Changes – The Big Move

To move to California or to move into a downtown apartment with Hana. That is the question of the next 3 months. Our lease is up July 31st, and I was set on option #2, but something triggered the California dream once more today.

I was walking on the track at my gym, just leisurely. At first, I was looking up pictures of my new crush Park Seo Joon. I went as far as to put his images on my iPhone wallpaper. Then I thought about what others would think if they saw it (ie. Dave) and I thought if the roles were reversed, I would be turned off.

The desire to see Park’s face everyday triggered the realization that, I don’t want who I can’t ever be with to be plastered on my phone, reminding me of what I can’t have. Also, the realization that I’m thinking of what ie. Dave would think triggered another question in regards to my life. I was valuing myself based on others, rather than just living my own life.

Who am I and who do I want to be? And not so much of, who do others want me to be and who do I want to be with (purely on attraction). 

I started looking up other backgrounds, and thought of the ocean… and then I thought of surfing & California….

A year ago, my ex and I were a few months away from packing up our lives and moving to California. I called it quits, instead, to both the relationship and the move. In my mind, I merely postpone the move. In my gut, I know that I won’t be fulfilled if I live my entire life in Missouri. If I move downtown, I feel I will want something else afterwards.

This gut feeling, that I’m trying to also figure out if it’s just impulse, is what’s making California a serious contender in my life change.

What holds me back are:

  • close friends (ENFP personality here)
  • family (mom, dad, Cong, Lily)
  • jiu jitsu (community at Gracie Humaita)
  • independence & change (living with Hana only)

What pushes me forward:

  • California aroma (beautiful weather)
  • beaches (chester & cheeto can finally see the beach)
  • more opportunities & connections (music & activities)
  • family (mo, mike, and Nathan)
  • mo’s restaurant (a place to go to when bored)
  • rent savings (can save up for own place)

I’m going to let it simmer for a few days. This decision is really based on what I am imagining my future to be. It’s a hard decision, because it’s merely predictions of both outcomes. There is no such thing as a right or wrong decision, there are only decisions. Neither are decisions final.

One thing I thought of when I was walking was the fact that, even though the things that are great are great here, it doesn’t mean I can’t… be apart from it for now. We don’t always close the doors to bad things. Sometimes, we have to make the decision to close the doors to good things, in the pursuit of something else that might push us even farther and closer to where we want to be, who we want to be. Although, I’m not really closing the door on the great things here, I am just putting it on hold while I go exploring.

I’m not sure what that thing I am getting closer to is, but my gut is telling me to go explore it. Maybe it’s not my intuition telling me that California is the holy grail, but more so, it’s telling me to try something so that I can move on to something else if I don’t like living there.

Similar to confessing to my ex that I loved him just to end the chase we partook in for years. He rejected me, but that allowed me to move on to the next thing. It’s like dominos, a piece can’t fall without being pushed by the piece before it. Perhaps this big move isn’t about California. The move is just packed with lessons that will push my next piece. It might lead me back to Kansas City, it might lead me elsewhere. But, I will be a more experienced person for it. Others may see it as failure, or “I told you so”. But, I will understand what I gained from it, and I would learn even more about my likes and dislikes, rather than just guessing and dreaming.

This post sounds like I made up my mind… but I’ll let it simmer.

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The Continual Pursuit of Happiness

Alright. Last night, I binged. I surely did. I was happy with my abs coming through the entire day yesterday and then, BOOM, the night came and I found myself in the kitchen. Like a racoon, I was scavenging for food. I ate everything from 2 chicken sausages with squash spaghetti, half a stack of crackers with sour cream and salsa, a chicken drumstick, 2 cups of ice cream, and almost 5 tablespoons (blocks of butter measurement) of cheese (maybe even more!)

This morning I feel the same old feeling I’ve felt after a night of binging, as I have for the last umteen years…

Why did I binge? Is it worth asking that? Eckhart mentioned a saying… when an arrow is shot and hits you, you first don’t question why the arrow was shot, you first try to remove the arrow. That was applied to a question that was “where do thoughts come from?”. But in the context of binging, is it worth asking why I binge? Do I have to seek the why to stop the action? Say a child is crying after school and you kneel down to console her. You will ask why she is crying and then you will dispel whatever happened with a better outlook to make her feel better… so with this example, it’s like figuring out the list of why’s so you can talk yourself out of each point that encourages a binge. But, you know what would be even more badass… if that child wasn’t crying in the first place… if that child wasn’t affected by whatever happened on the outside world and she carried on as is… if that arrow shot and missed her… I think that’s what I aspire to be. I don’t want to dig my brain for a endless list of why’s to the question of “why do I binge?”.

Meditation so far has been so difficult but it has made me realize how overactive my brain is in terms of thinking. It also has allowed me to find a bit of peace in the moment, I can breath through anxious feelings in my belly that arise when certain thoughts take over. This peace and little bubble of happiness in my belly is what I am investing in to enable me to be this badass child – to not feel down because of external happenings.

Last night, I binged, though. I don’t feel stressed about it because I feel I am working towards understanding my body better. Who knows, I was hungry but lacked a bit of self control. That’s simply what I’ll work on today. If I’m hungry, I will eat and control myself from eating the junk I did like last night. With that being said, I truly want to heal my relationship with food. Sometimes I look at food as if it’s the enemy. Food brings me fear… I look at junk food and a little fear is triggered in me. I look at healthy food and a little resentment arises. How do I heal this relationship with food? Healing this relationship though, might sidetrack from being that badass child I want to be – but it might be necessary to be that girl by being opposite her for the time being.

I would think I would have to heal my relationship with my body image and appearance in order to heal my relationship with food. What does that take? Healing isn’t saying nothing is wrong and that what I’m insecure about is from thin air. There are certain expectations and an ideal look that I think is beautiful, what society thinks is beautiful, and that is the standard that I’ve set for myself. So, since I don’t feel I meet that standard, then I think something is wrong. Thinking something is wrong leads to body dissatisfaction. I want the hot body because I want the attention, and I want the youth and energy that comes with it. Nothing is wrong with wanting that, but the issue is that I think I’ll be unhappy without it. 

So there… without going into a tangent… I will accept imperfection little by little everyday. Accepting imperfection… I think this will be a very powerful move in my life. I’ve lived in fear of not becoming someone. I always wanted to be something great and felt less than when it didn’t seem I would be that person. That in itself is an expectation that, without it, caused me great unhappiness. Yesterday, though, I had moments where I felt I’m okay without being that someone. That I don’t have to be, really, anyone special. I’m just another human being, and that’s okay. Some people are wired to be more seen, and more heard. I don’t have to be this great daughter, this great friend, great co-worker that strives to greatness. I’m great in my own way. I am great in that I can write all this out, I’m truly happy about that. I’m great in that I can strum a few chords and sing to it, I’m great in that I can run long distances. I am great in my own way. I have imperfections but, truly, every single breathing and non-breathing thing has imperfections.

This… this release is bringing tears to my eyes. I am great in my own way. It’s different from the greatness we see others are known for, but it is still great. Everyone has this greatness in them, this hidden greatness. There’s even greatness from the realization of the greatness within all of our imperfect greatness…what a mind twister. It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop working towards being this badass child, it’s opposite of that.

So.. food.. I deeply love you, do you love me as well? I’ll give you time to figure that out. Breasts… I also love you for your imperfections… do you love me as well? Stretchmarks, thighs, to my average eyes… I love you all… do you love me as well?

I’ve always craved to be me… but felt lost because I didn’t know who me was. All along, the me has been here. I’ve just been too embarrassed, in denial, and a little bit of a sheep to let me break through the current front that is me. I’ve been told growing up that ‘me’ wasn’t good enough and that I should fix this, do that, act this way, don’t act that way…but now, I’m on my own. I don’t have those voices in my ear every single day anymore. Well, I did, it had become my own voice.. but I’m realizing, that is not my voice that I’m hearing. It’s voices of others, it’s their aspiration of perfection shoved onto me to fulfil… I’m not signing up for that anymore.

Vien, I truly love you. Be that messy, sometimes mindless girl that you are. Have no shame.. cross your legs however you want, spill out of jeans and shirts if that’s what your body does, say blunt things, act boyish, be loud, dance, sing, and play! Let your mind run free, you owe it to yourself to let you shine through now. No more hiding behind the curtains because your form doesn’t match the silhouette. Be you, great in subtle ways. You don’t have to make a splash to live happily, nor do you have to leave a mark.

Anyways… back to work I go.

Going For it

Michael asks me “what’s the issue” when we rolled last week. One hand held my sleeve, one foot rested on my shin, a look of intense focus on his face. My first thought was he meant “why aren’t you moving, what’s the issue”? What he truly meant was, “think about it, what is the issue that is holding you up right now? Address that issue”.

“What’s the issue”?

  • I hate that my work in the content department isn’t up to par with the standards that are currently set
  • I hate that my dad takes my emotional life as a joke
  • I hate that I binge eat
  • I hate that I feel incompetent with work and get pinged for errors
  • I hate that I’m hungry right now
  • I hate that I have zero motivation to work
  • I hate that I am being the person I often criticize — seeing my life right now as glass half empty…

“Address the issue”

  • STOP GIVING A FUCK

In BJJ, the way I addressed the issue with Michael was to slow down and think about my escape. Used my hands and feet to get out. Once I did, another issue came about. I had to keep acting and reacting to get out.

All these bullet points are Michael’s move to stop me or to submit me. The way I react is to keep going and not to just fall flat.

I am frustrated today. I feel my hands and feet are tied by those bullet points. I want to lay flat on my back and give up. But I can’t. I can’t because then I may lose my job, then I may have to move back home with my parents, then I’d have to do things I really don’t want to do.

I went through college, I got my degree, I have a good job, and I am creative. Those are my techniques if compared to BJJ. I have a dream of competing just like my dream of writing for a living, but I have to put in the hard work. I can’t just cry and wish things to be different. I have to MAKE things be different.

Ok… that’s my rant for today. My ego and fear of my future will be set aside now. I’m going to work and do my best then invest in creative writing.

Day 26 of January, in 2017

So Ju Jitsu has been a good experience so far. I’ve done two classes. The first class I was the only girl, the second class I got to practice with a couple girls. I enjoyed doing it with girls because I don’t think too much about anything other than what I’m doing. Although, the first girl I started to think she think me too inexperience – but I think that’s just my own projections. The second girl was smaller and more nervous. Her movements more frantic. I stayed a bit after during the second time, motivated by a purple belt guy to do the warm up with the competitive team. I absolutely loved the physical challenge. The touching, the lessons, the motivational talks, the physical challenges have been intoxicating. Here are what I have going on in terms of growth:

  • Not falling for every guy I meet
    • The more I become use to hanging with the guys, the less I’ll be so inclined to fall for them. I’ve read a little bit of resources about this topic. Much of which talked about personal insecurities and the need for validation in the form of attention being the cause of this ease of love.
  • Focus on a goal instead of emotional attachment
    • Relationships are wonderful and warming, but being too attached to it weakens you when things don’t go well, or you overthink your actions and words with someone.
  • Be ok with not being ok, be ok with being uncomfortable
  • Learn to detach from desires
    • Personal relationships: it’s ok if you’re not getting what you want from a relationship, it’s great if you do
    • Work: it’s ok not to take charge if that’s not your passion
    • Detachment from perfection

Last night I came over to Angie’s, Karen, Kristina, Cory and his friend Clint were there. I came late because I went to Yoga first. Also, because dinner was at 8 and since I already had dinner, I wanted to make sure I made it after meals were being served as to not tempt myself. I’ve been following a meal plan, I’m on day 3 and it’s been good so far. I haven’t been really hungry. I’ve been talking to a couple people who also have bing eating disorder, and I’ve been active on the subreddit, asking questions and offering advice. I’ve been meditating more, and feel happier all around. Happier doesn’t mean happy – just not in a paralyzed state of covetous (which I learned is opposite of contentment) as I usually am which causes binge eating.

Whoa.

Covetous: greedy, acquisitive, grasping, avaricious mean having or showing a strong desire for especially material possessions. covetous implies inordinate desire often for another’s possessions

Although this describes the desire of material possessions, I can actually apply this state of mind to my desire for emotional things – showing strong desire of the possession of other’s affection.

I think digesting this new finding may aid in my detachment journey.

Last night during conversation with everyone, I let out that I’ve been thinking about moving into the apartment complex Kevin use to live. Although I marked in my calendar that I was going to bring it up in Spring, it came up last night because we were talking about living situations, and I wanted to set that expectation soon. I didn’t want to go along with everyone else’s ideas knowing I already have my mind set. I felt bad at first, like I was trying to prove something. But, it did, partially, come from a good place. Honesty.

Anxious Thoughts Throughout the Day

  • James think I am combative and incompetent because of my debate with him over an idea
    • The facts are: I had a question, I tried my best to understand why he doesn’t like it, in the end, I can see where he is coming from. I don’t know what he’s thinking about me.
    • This is good practice to be detached from the desire of wanting other’s adulation. Let go of my attachment to my own idea of who I am as a friend, and as a co-worker. Let go of self judgements and thoughts that don’t serve the purpose of moving forward. Growth happens when you step forward instead of standing still in fear of what other’s may think of you.
    • The reason I called was to achieve the goal of understanding. The journey wasn’t smooth, it caused me a little bit of anxiety, but in the end, I got these answers:
      • Process: Before coming to James, huddle with Tom first – choose and offer it would be ideal for then come to James. He isn’t the boss but just needs direction and if I’m insistent he’ll go with it
    • Everyone has the right to cause problems if it comes from a good place – mine was to make the company money
    • Back to my to do list
  • Silence from coworkers adds on to my feelings of being “too much”, “too aggressive”, “not effective”
    • I don’t know what others are thinking. Others are busy with their own work. Breath, focus on task at hand. You don’t need clear cut, step one, step two. You think you do because you want validation for what you’re doing. You are smart enough to measure your own effectiveness even without someone else measurement stick. Be your own measurement stick, Vien. Don’t line up for the rac
  • So much of my mood is dependent on outputs out of my control. It doesn’t have to be this way. I recognize it, why do I need it? Why do I need positive reaction? Because I’m not confident in my own outputs.
    • someone’s reaction to me
    • people not looking at me
    • others good mood and good relationships

 

Day 14 ~ Shooting Star

I had a moment of realization yesterday that felt like a shooting star. It was beautiful and most impactful but, the moment didn’t last. It’s up to me to keep its memories alive. Like an artist’s first spark before starting a song, that spark must be preserved by the artist somehow to finish the song carrying the same spark even though the emotions that caused the spark is no longer felt.

Karen and Kristina were in the living room and I was in my room. I can’t remember what I was doing, but I remember feeling the privacy I needed to feel sad. The ruminating feeling, in that moment, was annoying. I thought, “why am I choosing to feel sad?”. In my earlier posts, I’ve realized the negative effects of placing yourself as the victim, constantly. That realization sparked the emotion of annoyance at myself for choosing to ruminate, and choosing to live in sadness. There are two things, maybe three things, I can control that helps me choose to feel good.

  1. My thoughts
    • My mind is like play-do. It’s constantly molding and remolding
  2. Music
    • Music is magic. It can connect with you in ways you wish your best friend could. What you choose to listen to will impact your thoughts and feelings
  3. People
    1. People, like music, can affect you just as powerfully. Repetitive thoughts and actions of others can become yours. You must choose people who are like your sounding board. They accept you for who you are, entertain your random thoughts, and help you grow as you do for them

These three things can be expanded into books but for the sake of my car that’s running to dethaw outside (totally not an excuse), I must keep it short.

Yesterday, I also took a leap of faith into Erin’s arms. We were in the sauna room and I had a very heavy feeling in my heart. My thoughts were swirling around Billy and Corrinne, it dragged me down and weighed heavily on my heart. So I spoke up, “Erin, do you ever go through your day feeling great, then thoughts of your past love comes up and knocks you down?”. I just needed to express my emotion because I felt I was being quite. After I asked that, and she responded with the main point of “it just takes time”, I felt 90% better. I started talking about other things. I learned that expressing your feelings can be a remedy for the moment. Expressing your feelings isn’t a statement of facts if you don’t fool yourself for it to be.

I learned that like writing, talking about your feelings is also therapeutic. I have yet to learn that what you say, others won’t take as cement. That’s the thing. I’m so worried that others take what I say as bible when really, words like writing are there to aid in understanding which aids in personal growth.

I hope my relationships with my girlfriends not only last, but grow. Erin and I have grown a lot together. I’ve been a bitch at times, and I’m sure she’ll say the same, but we’re still here for each other. Love is born by a reciprocation of this: Wanting nothing more than to give to the other your undivided attention, care, and time. Reciprocation of thoughts/feelings validation and rejection of negative self talk as if you were rejecting your own negative self talk.

That’s why loving yourself and positively talking to yourself is so important. When you are able to do that and thrive, you can be that voice for your dearest friends as well.

I still ache when I think of Billy, but yesterday was a good day regardless. There were no boys, no parties, or anything that would suggest yesterday would be a great day. What did happen was the decision to feel good. I decided to not take things too personal, I decided to express my sadness to Erin, I decided to exercise, I decided to spend time with Karen and Kristina. I decided to hum cute tunes instead of wallow in my sadness.

I decided to live instead of just exist. I have a path in front of me. I’m not staring at the darkness anymore, I’m now walking through it.

 

Day 2

I went to the gym this morning. Yesterday, I weighed myself to be 136.2. That’s the lightest I have been since I can remember. I’m not stopping though, there’s no reason to. To live a purposeful life, I must be the best version of me possible. The best version of me is a fit and confident me. There are things I want to do with my life, some I know and some I haven’t explored yet.

Today I will work from home out of laziness and comfort. Even though the silence feels lonely at times. Perhaps in the future, when I’m in a better place, I will ask the 40Digits crew to lunch. I’ll have actual things to talk about, my exploration in my hobbies and such.

On the way home, traffic lasted for an hour which was not normal, I think it was an accident. I had a few moving thoughts:

  1. Billy: If Billy is with me out of comfort, he’s not going to be happy. He being unhappy will lead to my unhappiness. His unhappiness if he’s without me would make me even more focused on healing him. The only way for me to be happy, is for him to be happy with someone else. He is happy, I am not unhappy. I just haven’t found my happiness yet, but this state is a better state than if he were with me unhappily. Right now it sucks, and my heart literally aches. But I know I am better for it, even though the positives aren’t always in my face and visible.
  2. Food: If I am dedicated to solving problems either with work, hobbies, or other things and I don’t get stopped by a hurdle than I won’t run to food for comfort and procrastination. I left the gym early so I can buy myself more time to knock out work and some tasks on the website. I use to prolong gym trips, and do this and that before tackling work as a way to procrastinate. Not anymore. I’m going to take care of myself as much as I need to then tackle work.

I had another but I can’t remember.

Day 1 and start of day 2 of getting over him:

I’ve cried off and on, even though I said I wouldn’t cry for him anymore. I don’t feel bad, though, I’m going to cry if I want to. Of course my mind jumps from images of him groveling for my love to images of her on his lap and his heart feeling alive again. It hurts thinking of someone else bringing him happiness. But that’s why I’ve constructed thought 1 from above to help with that feeling.

I need to block his number and remove him from my snap chat. I go back and forth because:

  1. I said I’d always be a friend
  2. I want to keep the channels open
  3. I want him to eventually reach out to me and see me happy

All these points are self serving and only setting myself up for even more pain. The reality is:

  1. We are exes, we got together and played the part we needed to to move ahead. I boosted his confidence by openly wanting him, now he’s living out the life he wants. He broke my heart and motivated me to live the life I want, that’s worth living, if 2nd to a life with him. My goal is to make it a life I’d pick over a life with him. He’s not a friend to me, he’s an ex, an ex that I still love deeply and am mourning after. He will never be a friend. If he is in a dire situation, he’ll know how to reach me by using his brain and some problem solving.
  2. Keeping the channel open is pretty much saying I am waiting for him to get tired of his current life and realize that he’s not happy without me in it. Next point.
  3. He’s not going to do this.

The pro points:

  1. I can freely post on snapchat
  2. Eventually, I’ll get back on facebook and delete him too.
  3. I will grow to not expect a text from him since his number is blocked – even though right now I’m thinking I’ll wait for a weird text and it’ll be him. Wishful thinking again.

I’ll forgive myself if I block and unblock him, I am ever changing and my decisions will vary from moment to moment.

Ok. On to starting the day.

Living With Purpose

I am going to start living my life with a purpose today. Last night I realize I had an emptiness in my heart that I really thought Billy could fill. But, I asked myself, if I never ever met Billy, would I still fill empty as I laid on my bedroom floor? I realize that I would be. What will fill this empty feeling that I have?

I had another thought this morning – the importance of community. The reason belonging to a community is so important is so that a person can be seen and be heard. Billy joined the BJJ community, he is seen through his dedication and heard. I felt seen and heard when I joined Alpha Phi Gamma. This is a well stated reason as to why I’ve been searching for a community to join. The first step is always the hardest and this first step is learning what community I should join. The only way to figure that out is to explore outside of my four bedroom walls.Some of my ideas:

  • Dance (modern)
  • Pilot’s license
  • Soccer
  • Guitar – Band

Before I dig in deep, a smart way to go about it is to just observe. For example, instead of investing 3k dollars on a pilot’s license right out the gate, I’ll go on a private flight first, or a helicopter ride first. I’ll have to face my fear of social anxiety and get over thoughts that I am a quitter. A must during these explorations is to live in the moment. That’s the only way to truly know if I like something or not. It may be hard because I may overthink things that are unrelated, but, I think I am becoming better at deliberate practice.

I have to live with a purpose or else I will live thinking about Billy every single day ~ wanting what I can’t have every single day for the rest of my life..  Instead, I can discover new things that I want and can have and go after that. This is what singledom is about.

When we were younger we were thrown into communities and hobbies. We didn’t have sex driving us. At this age, sex is a big component and for women, the ticking clock gets louder. I may be one of those who will never get married and have children, even though that’s what I want. I will never because I won’t do it with anyone who doesn’t make me feel whole – which, is a very romantic view of love. But, I think it’s what we were suppose to do here. Love is invisible – it’s unexplainable, you can’t see it when it happens. I think it’s possible for everyone, but not always in the same life span. So, some of us are lucky and do end up with our other half, some will be uncertain, some of us will settle, and some of us will keep our hopes so high until the day we die – single. I think I’m in the last party. But life is unpredictable…

I just think this way because the only man I’ve ever felt like I truly, deeply loved, is out of my reach forever. Even if he was within reach, the perfect he that I created isn’t even real – so forever out of reach and I feel bitter.

That’s why I want to live with a purpose. To get over him. 

This is my current life statement – the green portion will be forever changing.