Not Doing Anything

Sitting silently situated on a couch
I am defiantly doing nothing now
I use to ache for action and excitement
But now I yearn for peace & enlightenment
I hear your purpose is slow to come
Purpose is purposely different for everyone
The world would be bland if we were all the same
Yet ironically the same is what makes us appear sane
My dog is whining crying for a run
But I am defiantly letting things go undone
Sometimes I fear I am wasting time
But in truth what we fear is falling behind
It isn’t the riches, glory, or material things
That brings you happiness you think it brings
It’s being able to sit still situated in silence
Not chasing a thing, just welcoming enlightenment

I’m laying on my couch with Chester nestled on me. Today would be a day I would have binged. The ingredients were there: new uncertain projects at work, work drama and stress from yesterday, residual negative thoughts coming up today.

The poem above speaks to meditation. I use to be uncomfortable with doing nothing and had to fill my time up. I also feared I would binge if I sat in silence for too long. But in this moment, I don’t feel like doing anything nor am I reaching for food as a filler. That’s because I want to be able to sit still and be mindful. To do what appears to be nothing, but is the most important something I’ve realized I wasn’t able to do before.

The main question or thought from the day is the idea that I’m falling behind because I’m choosing to just sit here instead of working towards something. It’s interesting that typically, I would distract myself with tv or my phone, but really, that’s not me working towards something either. It’s more fruitful to sit without distractions, though, because then I can practice mindfulness. This is the practice of observing the random and uncontrollable thoughts that come up, without judgement, then letting them go. This action is that important something I mentioned above.

Anyways… admittedly, I’ve been writing this post up so I haven’t really just sat in silence doing nothing. So… here I go.

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Chaos

There will be silence.

 

Brittle bones, and you, all alone.

Beneath the ground, there will be coldness,

as you lay inside your final throne.

 

Time’s now on your side, but not for long.

Don’t be afraid of dying.

Do, though, be afraid of not living.

 

So let the bells roar

throughout the town.

I’ll taste the pain,

can’t knock me down.

I’ll face the dark,

I’ll touch the light,

I’ll live and laugh,

I’ll learn to fight!

I am not scared.

Tear me apart.

I trust myself,

and in my heart.

And when it hurts,

I’ll feel alive.

Won’t run away,

or avert my eyes.

 

I’m not afraid anymore.

 

More time is spent in your final throne than above the ground. Embrace that terrifying, confusing, and sometimes painful chaos, for right now, you are not alone.

Word Prompt

Stroll

go, Go, GO!

No time to stroll

Money’s to be made

You’re growing old!

Go back inside!

Stare at the screen

We’re little ants

Feeding the queen

run, Run, RUN!

You fell behind

Life shan’t wait

For wasting time

Forget your dreams

You’ve sold your soul

so go, Go, GO!

No time to stroll

 

word prompt

 

 

 

The Host

You’ve always been the cooler one, the detached one.
No more could I give you to make your love equal
to mine.
I’ve always known I’d leave you when realized my worth
and you’d gone off to collect girlfriends like seashells.

I’m fine.

Three years go by.

I befriended you on Facebook, you my first love
A man now adores me, he’s who I should think of
It’s not love I feel, I don’t want to be your friend
You just situated yourself in a room of mine without rent
Often I pass by your closed door on my way through
and I’ve been meaning to stop to check in on you

Now, the door’s wide open
and we stare face to face
Neither one of us leaves
neither one of us stays
Memories play

You’ve always been the cooler one, the detached one.
No more could I give you to make your love equal
to mine.

These hallways are riddled by your presence, the ghost
and I’ve learned to be kind to my patrons.

signed,
the host.

Time for Poetry

She Said Impossible

You’re unattractive, you’re unintellegent

You’re overweight, you’re under pressure

You’re wasting time, you’re wasting money

You need to get your life together

Put up the typewriter and the papers

Get up from bed put on your shoes

Trade in your creativity for excel sheets

Dreams don’t come true for someone like you

And that was the last thing that she said to me

the last time I called her a friend

still there are days she demands to visit

That frightened girl within

But another voice grows stronger and louder

until I can no longer hear the naysayers

and on days when she demands to visit

this voice shouts back in a voice much greater

You ARE beautiful and you ARE wise

You ARE the perfect shape and size

You’re not in debt and you HAVE time

You’ve got the fire to self actualize

Still I can hear her as I think

Her doubts fueled by what she couldn’t see

her words a challenge I accept

She said ‘impossible!’, I said ‘watch me’.

I learned

Learning can be overwhelming

 

it’s a constant state of confusion

 

I promise to stay determined

but I do have a confession

I’m scared I’ll never get it

I can’t build my strength up and go

I’ll be stuck in a state of lostness

while others around me grow

 

But I know I am smart enough

to reach what others scaled

I just don’t have the courage to

watch myself try and fail

Imagined if I tried

and got weaker with every scar

I’d constantly reteach myself

to give up when things get hard

But imagine if I kept going

stuck to it even when it hurt

I could live the life I want

and can proudly say I learned