Next Chapter & Beyond

There is one week that lies between my past and my future. Next week’s Sunday, I’ll be driving with my mom, my boxes, and my two dogs to Northern California to live with my big sister, my nephew, and my brother in law. The journey is the flip of the last page of this Chapter.

Next Chapter is a new adventure.

Currently, I am (and have been for the past 7 hours) laying in Chester’s bed inside my room that’s riddled with my stuff all over the floor. My bed is gone, so is my computer desk. I have been in my head the entire day. Crying, thinking, watching relate-able videos, planning, and being hopeless and hopeful.

I am happy to have come to a point in life where I am actually welcoming therapy. In fact, I think it’s an integral part of my binge eating recovery as well as my pursuit in building self esteem. I have been driving in a self sustaining vehicle for the past 15 or so years by internalizing my struggles, binging for release, and then researching ways to find personal growth. I’ve reached as far as I can go alone. I am at a a new point, where I need guidance and support outside of myself to, hopefully, open up the Chapter that follows the one I am about to crack open.

And that is what California is about.

In California, I aim to:

  • Pursue personal growth and freedom through therapy
  • Focus on improving my guitar and singing skills
  • Planning for the next chapter

What the next chapter looks like (I know I’m reading way ahead) is hopefully travel. I want to reach a point in my life where I am living in the world. I want to travel with Chester to destinations currently unknown for perhaps 6 months to a year. Working remotely, witnessing the world, and writing music as I go.

After that travel, I aim to come home to Kansas City, purchase a place in downtown Kansas City, create a life here, and continue to live in the world.

This brings hope to my heart, as I lay naked, overly full from my two days of binging, in a messy room on Chester’s bed. The future is bright. The present is alright. And I am going to be okay.

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A September Letter & Updated Goals

Dear BoBylan,
You’re sitting in Beth’s living room. A couch full of folded clothes lay right next to you, Beth is on the recliner and Kirk is in his little yellow chair. He loves that chair – it’s something he can easily seat himself on, make it his own, like we make the couches ours.
For the past 6 days, you’ve been in this house – a getaway from the hectic mental life that you’ve been living in for the past 6 months. A state you’ve been desperately trying to get out of but do not know how. You do know, no matter how much you question yourself, what is causing this stress. You do not love your job. It’s the embodiment of what you do not enjoy – client interaction, the chore of scheduling, and budget tracking. It’s pretty neat though – sounds very adult like.
I think I’m suffering an identity crisis – heavier than ever. Maybe it’s the product of culture’s push towards “finding yourself” and “being yourself”. Regardless – I don’t want to go into a rant about why I’m feeling the way I am. I want to grow – I’ve stopped growing ever since I stopped enjoying work. My room and car is a total mess, I’m a total mess.
Changes:
1. Find a new job
2. Start working out
3. Eat healthier
4. Pick up the guitar again
5. Write
Who do I want to be?
I don’t want to be anyone else but me. The problem is, I am so much up and so much down that I don’t know who I am.
I wrote this to myself back in September of last year (only 5 months ago). I was very sad and down about myself in that moment. Today, I am able to check off 3 items on that list = (eat healthier, started working out, and writing). I am working on finding a new job (from the ground up). I still haven’t fulfilled the guitar number but that’s to come.
On the plus side, my room and car is not a total mess, I should have added that to the checklist.
Updated Goals:
1. Continue learning code
2. Continue working out
3. Continue to eat healthy
4. Continue to write (blog, poems, etc.)
5. Pick up guitar
6. Learn to accept YOURSELF and OTHERS for who you and they are
  • comparisons be gone

7. Learn to live with chaos – especially with work

  • my fear is that chaos will be the downfall of my climb. Chaos of the mind, chaos of work, and chaos of relationships

changeandchaos