New Site

For anyone interested, I decided to purchase a new domain to continue my ramblings. It’s aimforaverage.com. I don’t know what will come from it, but I do have a vision for it. Right now there’s not much there but hoping to write at least once a day there.

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Drunk

I’m drunk and I feel as if I’m on the prowl. I am single and ready to mingle. But the mingle isn’t ready for me. I’m sitting at a table, Erin’s friends are around chatting. I could be chatting too but I’m not. Probably because I’m too focus on being on the prowl. Why? Because apparently attention from the opposite sex means more. 

And now. I realize that is not the case at all. Fuck this. I’m gonna get up and mingle and have fun. Fuck the opposite sex! 

Girl on the Green Mat

New BJJ Blog:

I started a BJJ blog here: www.girlonthegreenmat.com

I’ve been wanting to start a blog about something other than my deep personal life lately. I first thought of doing something around personal development through a site I called BloomingX but I had a problem with really focusing on a topic.

I landed on just writing a blog about my experiences with BJJ – how I got started and where I am now. I want to use this blog as a way for me to track myself throughout the journey, while helping others get started too and to share our experiences. I hope to create a good foundation of readers who will communicate with me through comments and such. It will be a great outlet for my writing and record keeping, as well as being seen and heard.

Binge Eating and BJJ:

Yesterday was a different day. Saturday night was the worst case of binging I’ve ever had in what has to be 4 years now. I binged, and purged for the first time in a decade probably, and binged again. Sunday, though, I am incredibly proud of the realizations I’ve made and what I did during the day.

BJJ came to my rescue. For the first time in my life, something pulled me out of bed post-binge night and out of my misery so that I can, instead, drown in mental focus and deliberate practice. In the past, I would just lay in bed and wait for the next day to come around. Keeping myself looped in the miserable cycle of self defeat.

Not yesterday… I slept until 11am, an hour past the start of BJJ. I drove myself to class and I lost myself for 2 hours. I laughed, I was close to tears thinking of the state I was in, I tried hard, I challenged myself, I continue to strengthen the connections I’ve made with the brothers that were there.

I am in love with this art.

Eating:

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I’ve done a lot of looking into nutrition. I’ve tried low carb high fats and I’ve tried intuitive eating. Both still drove me to binge eat. So I don’t think my eating lifestyle has a whole lot to do with my binging. It’s more so, boredom and also overthinking things that I’m insecure about.

Yesterday I looked into the idea of “what you resist, persists. What you embrace disappears”. I read this article. I feel I am resistant to who I really am, and that’s what sometimes lead to emotional binging. I resist the fact that I am alone on Saturday night, I resist the fact that I might not be super fit, I resist the fact that I’m not the greatest daughter, I resist a lot of things. I don’t want to resist it anymore. I want to embrace having time to myself – even if it’s a Saturday. It doesn’t happen all the time. I want to embrace who I am as a daughter, I want to embrace not being perfect. I want to embrace being able to eat what I want, and choosing to eat healthy if that’s what I want.

Having the perfect body is an illusion. I want to be free of trying to shoot for a body type. I want to instead, embrace who I am, and what I look like. I want to embrace treating my body right with proper exercise, treating myself to treats because it tastes good.

The key is to embrace what I use to resist, and admit that past things truly did hurt me. I didn’t give myself time to heal from it. I use to resist being affected by it. The truth is, what I went through really shaped me.

This is my ideal life. I am not currently living it, but it’s the drop that needed to fall for it to truly affect my belief system. It’ll be hard work working towards this goal, but it’s what I’m aiming for. I don’t want to have off limit foods, or feel I can’t have something when I really want it. I’m still learning about my body, my cravings, and my appetite. I’m still learning about what makes me feel good and what keeps me feeling full. I’m constantly learning, constantly improving myself every single day. Even when it feels like I took a huge step backwards, it’s sometimes what’s needed to propel me towards the right direction.

Anyways. I ranted more than I wanted to.

Binge Shackle, Link by Link

Yesterday we all went out (except for Lola) because Z-Shan was in town. We stayed out until 3am. I drank no more than a glass of wine and a sip of a shot. The night went south when we ate Gyros at about 2am. I contemplated on whether or not I should get one but my appetite told me to.

Once we go home, I caved into cookies. Then when everyone went to bed, I caved into more cookies, chips and salsa, a biscuit & drenched in butter, about 5 or 6 mcnuggets, and meat gravy. When I was binging, I told myself it was so that I could get better sleep.

No, it was an excuse my mindless mind told me so that I would continue to eat the addicting food.

My will power is not weak… or should I say, my ability to turn my life around is quite strong. I effortless stopped smoking pot because it caused me anxiety, I effortlessly stopped drinking caffeine because it felt unnatural, I effortless eat quite healthy during the day, I effortlessly run and keep active. I do all these good things effortlessly, but when it comes to food, it’s a challenge.

Unlike anything else, food isn’t a black or white thing. I need it to live.

If I take a step back from feeling the guilt of binging, I can see the progress that I have made in this journey towards breaking the shackle. One link was broken when I stopped binging during the day, another stopped when I stopped binging during t.v. time with my roommates, another broke when I stopped binging for days on end after I broke the seal on a day. The current link that remains is the link that ties me to the craving during night time.

Recently, meditation has made me realize the random and uncontrollable thoughts that pop up in my head, and the randomness of it made me realize that these thoughts mean nothing and I am able to let them go. Food craving thoughts, though, are tied to an actual feeling – hunger. This hunger acts as evidence to me that I need to act on this thought rather than letting it go.

What I did not do last night at 3 am, was ground myself in the moment. I kept thinking about food but I didn’t yank those thoughts back into my breath and back into the moment. I didn’t let those thoughts go like I do with other thoughts. I kept it there, I let it brew and I let it blossom until it took over.

Plan of action:

  • Continue mindfulness. During last night’s episode I was kind of mindful but the excuse of better sleep kept me going
  • I am excited for the next challenge where I will ground myself and build the muscle of yanking my thoughts back into my breath from the thoughts of cravings
  • Connect my post binge self, (disappointment, the fullness) with the self that contemplates before the binge starts. It’s the same self…what feels good then will hurt the same self later
  • Abide by rules. Because food is a necessity, I must create boundaries for myself and accept that I can’t have the luxury of caving in like other do (eating at 2am and simply stopping at that one food). Last night, in front of the food truck, my rule would have said absolutely not because I know it will lead to a binge.

Breaking the shackles of binging is not as easy as other life changes I have made, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I have made great leaps in my life with this pursuit already, and I feel I am at my last few links. What I am going to ingrain into myself is the rule of mindfulness eating, the realization that I’m different from other people in that I binge and because of that, my actions must be different from them in regards to food – and I must realize that that’s ok. Just because others are eating, it does not mean that I have to. I am not a party pooper for not eating, or not drinking. I am still me. I must realize that the hunger feeling is ok to have. And I am aware of when and why it strikes (hunger at night). It’s okay to feel hunger and just because thoughts of cravings (just like other random thoughts I let go) are paired with uncomfortable feelings in my gut, it doesn’t mean I have no control over my next moves.

I am going to go on a run now, it’s beautiful outside. Chester is officially my running buddy now. Vien, Fighting!

 

How I Look

Facebook is such a humbling experience to be had – especially when you’re feeling mighty fine. I hate the way I look in pictures, to be frank. I don’t think I look good, at least on the recent pictures.

When I see these ‘bad pictures’ I begin to understand why those I am very attracted to doesn’t return the same feelings. Which is dumb. If in the moment, I feel hot and I get that reaction that I want, I still don’t think I’m enough because of my personality. Now that I don’t think I look hot, I think… I’m not enough because of the way I look.

It’s such a human problem to have. Who cares about the way I look and the way I am… No one else cares, I don’t care about the next guy I don’t pay attention to. t doesn’t make him any less of a human being.

I don’t want to be that person that is so connected to the way she looks, I wouldn’t want that in a partner either. A person’s spirit and soul has a lot more weight than the way they look. I’ve felt this before, myself more strongly attracted to a person’s soul than their looks.

It’s not how or the way that you look…. it’s how or the way that you think that makes you beautiful… it’s not how the other person thinks of you, it’s how you think of yourself.

Decisions Made

I’m moving out on my own once this lease is up. That’s in 6 months plus a week.

It will be my first time really on my own. I’ll be 27. The place will be near downtown KC. I am happy I’ve made the decision and am ready for it. I’m ready to really know myself more. I hope to not live for umteen years alone, just for now. It might be risky as I have the missing pit syndrome from time to time, and lonliness. But that is facing the darkness to the max. Here I go.

20th Day of January, 2017

Carly is asking me about MSF output. She thinks I’m not working enough. I think this because I know I’ve slacked a few days.

  • Rethinking: I have no idea what Carly is thinking or planning in asking me about my output. This could actually help give me better direction, if she thinks I don’t do enough then perhaps she can give me more of a clear path since that’s what I’ve been struggling with at work (priorities). What happened was she asked me about work output, that’s it. I won’t interpret it any further.

I requested to be assigned tasks rather than volunteering what I want in new + beta offer writing. Carly must think I’m unable to take initiative or think me a sheep for needing that to work. She must think less of my ability to be my own boss.

  • Rethinking: I know myself, and that is what I would like to happen so that I’m less insecure about my work output. If they assign me what needs to be done then my expectations are set. I don’t want to be a boss, at least right now, so it’s alright if she feels that I’m not cut out for that, right now. I don’t have to be attached to the idea of being the greatest employee ever. It’s okay to make suggestions if it means a less stressful work environment

I’m overhearing this exotic guy chatting to a chick. His accent is of latin descent. His life is colorful. He snowboards, he plays in a band. He has an easy personality. I envy that. I will never be like that. I think of Billy and I think of his exotic-ness. His concert going with his beautiful gals. I’m less of a person because I am not exotic, I am not colorful, I don’t have a lot going on. I’m directionless. I’m doomed to live in the gray and doomed to envy people like this stranger and doomed to miss Billy.

  • Rethinking: I don’t know anything about this exotic guy. Conversations sometimes is like Facebook. He might just be highlighting the colors of his life, he might have bad things going on as well. I have no idea about it. Same with Billy. All the colors I imagine that he has in his life is all in my head. It might be, it might not be. Why dwell on something that is a figment of my imagination? The only thing I know is fact is what I want. I envy this Spanish guy, that in a way is motivation for me to live in that way. Live in color, easy, and open to the world. Just because I’m envious, it doesn’t mean I am doomed to stay envious. I can live that life too. I am just as worthy and capable.

I am meeting with Tom soon about competitor seeding. I feel as if I am having a hard time understanding what he is asking of me. This ties in to my inability to work without structure. I feel stupid because of this and I’m wasting my time. I feel he might think I’m ineffective

  • Rethinking: I have no evidence other than him saying he doesn’t want to waste his time with coming up with mock examples. He’s said I am doing a great job and am creative in what I’m coming up with. I do have a lot of good ideas. Some of my ideas have stuck and have become outliers. This is a new process in which both he and I are in equal control of. The road is long and winding, I don’t have to figure it all out now, we don’t’ have to figure it all out now. As long as he and I are regularly communicating and we both are respectful of each other’s ideas and vision then all is well.

I told Tom I didn’t want to wait for him because I’m antsy to go on a run. Now he thinks I am not committed to work.

  • He has no idea what my schedule is. Plus I might have started work before he did. We all work on our own schedule. I am just as valuable even though I wanted to go on a run. this isn’t really an issue at all. I have no idea what he thinks. The facts are, we planned for 4, he was late, we finally got together, now he said he’ll call back in 10.